Texas Trooper

Red and blues in the rearview. What did I do this time? I pulled out of Shamrock, TX at least 2 hours ago after catching a few hours sleep in a truckstop parking lot. Smoked my last half of a doob as soon as I pulled onto I-40 East, so I know I should be OK. My only worry is the quarter ounce of Arizonas finest shrooms hidden behind the ashtray. Looking in my side mirror as the State Trooper walks up to the car, I can see he is even wearing the mirrored aviators. Jesus, here we go.

"License, registration, and proof of insurance".

Fucker didnt even say please. I hand him the papers without a word. I know he likes to do the talking already.

"Do you know why I pulled you over"?

"I have an idea", I say

"I have been following you for over 2 miles with my overhead lights on."

"Really!? I didnt even see you." And Im being truthful. He isnt amused.

"I clocked you going 96 from the other side of the interstate" he says. I really should pay better attention; he has a good point that he doesnt even have to make.

"Wait here". Good, give me the damn ticket and let me be on my way. This cowboy is just lookin for something to do. He is takin an awful long time back there in his cruiser, which cant be good news. 10 Minutes later...

"Have you ever been arrested?" he asks. Immediate thought goes straight to my mouth.

"No", and I actually believe what I am telling him. Trooper what's his name then asks me to step from the car. Now Im gettin nervous. I have no idea what jail time is involved in having posession of whatever the hell shrooms are in The Lone Star State, but it cant be good. As we step to the rear of the car, he asks again.

"Have you ever been arrested?". I must have, or else he woulnt be asking again. He then reminds me of an incident several years ago in Collier Township, PA which had totally slipped my mind.
The small time copper there had searched my vehicle and found a corner of a baggie with something that appeared to be green veggie matter in it. Not enough to even test to see if it is weed. I end up at the station there for an hour before being picked up by a friend, and wind up with a minimal fine for posession. Wish I would have remembered that 12 minutes ago.

Texas Trooper then requests to search my car. If I say no, he is going to do it anyway, and the stuff is fairly well hidden, so I take my chances. "Go right ahead".

He tells me to take a seat about 20 yards off the side of the road while he does his thing. I take that seat, strategically placing myself in the direct line of sight of the ashtray in the dash. He proceeds to open both doors and the trunk (unwittingly facilitating my view of the important place) and pulls out all 4 suitcases from under the deck lid, opens and searches them all, in the spare tire well, then into the passenger compartment. Back seat first for some reason, he tears everything apart looking for SOMETHING. Then to the front seat, the drivers door. Then the center console for quite some time. He is about 18 inches from catching me in the act, and doesnt even know it. Passenger door is searched next. Then to the ashtray. He sticks his finger in and paws through the cigarette butts, finding nothing. All he has to do is hook his finger and pull, and BINGO!, he would have me. I couldnt squeeze a needle out of my asshole right now, and my stomach is in my mouth. He backs off. Back to the center console. Nothing. He calls me over.

"I could smell the marijuana when I pulled you over. I dont know where you hid it, but I am tired of looking. Go ahead and put your stuff back in the vehicle while I write your citation." Now Im pissed cause it took me 2 hours to pack all of my shit into this Buick, and he ripped it all out and left it on the side of the Highway. As I start packing it in, he stops walking back to his cruiser and turns around.

"Oh, yeah, by the way..."

"Shit" I say, under my breath.

"I found these in your back seat." He is holding a set of brass knuckles that I had forgotten that I even owned. "These are considered a deadly weapon in the state of Texas, and carry considerable jail time."

Now what do I do?

"I'm going to hand these back to you, and turn my head while you do whatever you want with them", He says.

The thought briefly crosses my mind to put them on and blast this fucker in the temple and make a run for the border, but the maniac in me recedes, and I pull back and throw them as far as i can into the field I am parked by.

I pack my car, he hands me a citation carring a fine to the tune of $562.70, and I am on my way, headed east, with the cruise control set.