Texas: What is it and Where Did it Come From?

The other night as I sorted through my booger collection, I heard some faceless voice on the TV babbling on about Texas wanting to secede from the union. As an expert in American history, just imagine my surprise when I heard those words. "Holy crap!" I cried out. "Texas is a state? When did that happen?"

Immediately, I ran to my computer and did a Google search on the words "naked blondes and Texas." After a few hours checking out those Web sites, I was unable to find any information on when Texas became a state, so I narrowed my search to just the word "Texas." Sure enough, up popped all sorts of information on how the "Longhorn State" had joined the union way back in 1845. "No wonder I didn't know anything about it!" I exclaimed. "I wasn't even born yet." Then I had a few beers and watched the latest episode of The Girls Next Door.

As I sat back in my recliner downing my sixth Bud Light and thinking how great it would be to have three hot blondes with enormous hooters and tiny IQs living in my house, I wondered how many other things there were that I didn't know about Texas. So as a service to my faithful readers, I have spent several long nights at my computer studying various Web sites and as a result I am now prepared to answer just about any question you may have about hot blondes with enormous hooters and tiny IQs.

Unfortunately, such extensive studying cut heavily into my Texas research time, so-truth be told-I don't know a goddamn thing about Texas. As a result, this article will be nothing more than just a few made up questions with made up answers that may or may not be somewhat accurate. If you are a student looking for info on Texas for a school paper, you may want to check out Wikipedia. If, however, you are a hot blonde with enormous hooters and a tiny IQ, feel free to drop me a line.

So why do they want to secede from the union?

I have no freakin' idea! I told you I didn't even know Texas was a state.

Where did Texas come from?

After several years of bloody conflict, the U.S. acquired Texas from Mexico as part of the little known Give us Texas or We'll Kill all of you Goddamn Mexicans Treaty of 1843, which is not to be confused with the even lesser known Give us California or We'll Kill all of you Goddamn Mexicans Treaty of 1848.

What does Texas mean?

Texas comes from the Latin "Texacus," meaning: "Dumbasses who, despite the fact that it is the 21^st century, still dress like cowboys."

What do Texans do for fun?

Among popular things to do in the Lone Star State are wearin' cowboy hats and cowboy boots, chewin' and spittin' tobacco, ropin' cattle, shootin' guns, killin' varmints, cookin' and eatin' armadillos, rippin' bean farts around a campfire while strummin' a guitar, sayin' things like "Don't mess with Texas!" and executin' black people.

What is the number one product made in Texas?

Texas is known as the Longhorn State because it has more cattle than any other state; therefore Texas is the leading producer of bullshit in America. (See: Bush, George W.;Reasons for Iraq Invasion).

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders-any chance I can nail some of them?

Not if you snore too loud. The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are basically a bunch of bisexual nymphomaniacs who get together on weekends and sit in a giant hot tub while drinking margaritas before engaging in pillow fights and nude Jell-O wrestling. Then they take a group shower, give each other massages with exotic oils and all climb into one enormous bed. That's when they call my name and ask me to join them. And it is right around that time that my wife rolls over, smacks me in the head and tells me I'm snoring too goddamn loud.

So that's it. I can't think of any other questions about Texas that I haven't already answered. Gotta grab a few beers and hit the recliner for the next episode of The Girls Next Door. Hope they teach me more about Texas.