Texting Doesn't Always Send the Very Best

I recently discovered a new feature on my cell phone that should prove to be a major improvement in text communication.

I'm not much of a text-messager. I have one friend with who is a fluent, and perhaps compulsive, texter. Every few days my cell phone will warble and it will be John. He has one of those phones with a full keyboard that makes texting fast and a lot easier. I have the old-fashioned kind where you have to hunt and peck through groups of letters to find each letter you need, taking an average of ten minutes to compose a three-word reply. I barely have enough time to close my phone before John's eight paragraph reply to my reply comes shooting back.

Being a person of few words, which many who know me might argue with, not to mention lazy, I admit that I frequently turn to my "quick notes" feature in my telephone, where I can choose from 15 pithy responses without typing a single word. This feature comes in very handy for those of us without a keyboard, or who may happen to be driving on a busy freeway and want to send a timely response to a texting friend. The only drawback with this tool is whoever came up with those quick note replies seems slightly lacking in the creative department - not to mention a little rude.

For example, quick note number two on my phone is the single word "Busy." I used that one to reply to John yesterday while negotiating through traffic on a four-lane highway in Milwaukee, and John replied back (within a nanosecond of course), "What the heck does that mean?"

I quickly scanned my quick notes for one that said "Driving." Amazingly, no such note existed, even though we all know that almost all text messages are received by or sent to a person who is behind the wheel.

I looked for an alternative, less terse response. "Thank you"? No, that wouldn't do it. "Call me"? No, not while I'm driving. Hmm how about "Can this wait?" No - way too bitchy.

So, I did the only thing I could do. It took me three stop lights but I managed to peck out the word "driving." A few more stop lights and I could have added the word "sorry."

That's the main problem with the quick notes. There's not even a cursory attempt at common courtesy. How hard would it have been to affix the words "sweetie pie" to the end of quick note number one, "O.K."? Or, change it completely to my own personal preference, "Okey dokey dominokey"?

Which is exactly what I found out I can do. By accidentally hitting the menu button while glancing at my list of perfunctory missives, I noticed that I could write "New" quick notes. My very own bibliography of pre-fabricated heartfelt responses.

No longer will quick note number three read as an aloof "Thank you." From here forward any text I send expressing gratitude will read as, "U totally kick ass!"

There, that's more like it.

The formal "Yes" will heretofore be "Yessirreebob!," and the tepid "Call me" will has been forever changed to "I'd love to hear your voice."

Number 6, the word "No," needs a major overhaul. I have used this QN in response to the question "Can I call?" and I felt like I may as well have driven a javelin through the texter's abdomen. When what I really wanted to say was, "Nosey people nearby."

It will take some time to fully develop my repertoire of "No" responses, as there are obviously more reasons than that why one would be unable to speak on the phone at the moment. One reply that pops to mind that would potentially get a lot of use is "Shopping."

That one-word retort needs no dressing up if replying to a female - and is just enough information to put off a male caller for hours.

And "No way Jose" is an obvious must-have.

Soon my phone will contain more witty and meaningful one-liners than a Hallmark card display.

OMG! I never got back to John yesterday. There's never a red lite when U really need 1.