Thanksgiving's Angels

I was sitting in my private office last week behaving like the "seasoned" mental health clinician I am, and talking to my new client, Ben, Ben had fired his last therapist and had come to see me as he had heard I was "advanced". Ben and I had immediately hit it off. Aside from being "advanced" Ben appreciates it that I am smart and snappy. I often wish to tell Ben that it is frequently noted that these are my least likeable traits, in both my professional and personal life, but I do not wish to break the spell that is the new client/new therapist "honeymoon". I try hard not to break spells anyway.

Lately Ben has been bored and unable to find a job. I paused thoughtfully, before leaning forward in my chair and suggesting volunteer work. "Look Ben you are one smart and talented guy. You have a solid bank account and have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of your life, so how about you donate some of your time to those less fortunate than you"? Ben startled me by quickly retorting "I will not do a thing for anyone if it is not for money"I

"Okay then", I said, and nodded my head trying to appear as "advanced" as possible.. A long silence followed while I waited for him to fire me as his therapist. Surprisingly he did not, but instead asked me why I had suggested volunteerism. I told him that one of my graduate school professors had been an expert on "meaning" and she and other experts in her field had taught me that the ability to engage in activities just to provide something to another without expectation of compensation, or for very little compensation, is the one of the highest indicators of mental health. People who donate their time and expertise are simply happier and more stable than the rest of us.

Ben stared at me intently before inquiring, "So Cathy, you are saying no charge for my session this week"? (Yes I forgot to mention that Ben is a pretty smart and snappy one himself). Fortunately Ben chose not to fire me and while he is not convinced just yet that he can give without getting money for that gift, he is thinking it over.

Which brings me to the subject of this year's Thanksgiving column.

This year I write about three women whose actions are inspiring and uplifting and for whom I give thanks every day. I share their stories because each of them have endured hardship and disappointment in their lives but their means of coping with struggle is to donate themselves, their time, their talent and their passion. I am honored to know all three of them personally and they all live nearby in Western Massachusetts. All were reluctant to take credit for their outstanding contributions to our planet but each changes our world, and in so doing change all of us, every day of the year.

Erica
Five years ago I was interviewing social workers for a clinical position in a treatment program where I had been Coordinator for only a few months. I had seen Erica's curriculum vitae and while reluctant to interview a new graduate I agreed to meet with her. Erica brought with her several years experience in caregiving positions in Behavioral Health but had only recently earned her M.S.W. from the one of the top Ivy League programs in the country.

On interview day, Erica arrived and I greeted this beauitful young woman who was smartly dressed, but clearly anxious. I couldn't tell if her anxiety was due to interview nerves, her newness to the profession, or that she had trekked into one of the most dangerous, drug infested, gun ridden neighborhoods in an otherwise wonderful city. I was impressed by her because for while she knew the clinical material cold, she was also an idealistic and passionate woman who reminded me a lot of who I had been in an earlier generation of clinicians. I was still not convinced she would make a good hire. Our clients were among the most ill and tragic in the mental health system. The working conditions were gritty and challenging. I knew it would a rough and thankless job for her and I thought I might like not to hire her and risk putting out the fire that shone so brightly in her eyes when she talked about what she wanted to do with her life. I put Erica's name on my "short list" and decided to leave it up to happenstance.

As happenstance would have it, my short list narrowed down to Erica. As I interviewed other more seasoned therapists I was struck by their lack of passion and life. In their turn, I am sure they took one long hard look at the battleground around us and opted not to risk life and limb.

When Erica did come on board she fiercely showed her mettle. The work was grueling and her new colleagues were not as welcoming to this fresh new face, with great ideas and plans as I would have hoped. More than that, she often got stuck with the jobs no one else would do. She was routinely assigned the messiest cases, the dirtiest jobs and the toughest assignments. Lots of times she was angry with me for the load she would be asked to carry. Eventually though, after an especially rough day, she would shuffle into my office and say "Hey Cath is there anything I can do to help you out here"? She would help me as I staggered home each night laden with hours of paperwork that marked the ends of my days". I would always drive away each night and as soon as she waved good bye would respond quietly to her, "Yes Erica, what you can do for me is to please not quit". Of course she did not quit. She hung in there for a good year and once her obligatory "first job" time was done she went off to work her way up the ladder to becoming a supervisor in another highly respected agency a few miles away. Erica has married and is a new Mommy to a beautiful daughter as well as becoming my pet dog Albee;s god mother.

In the all the years I have known her and for many years before, through high school, college and later graduate school, she has been an active participant in sports. First as an athlete and now as a coach, She is involved in softball, volleyball, and field hockey coaching young women who sorely need more role models like her. While most parents participate in community sports programs because their children are impacted by their efforts, Erica's little daughter Lucy is far too young to profit from her mother's committment. LIttle Lucy watches from her stroller in the stands while her mother instills in young athletes the tenets of sportsmanship and integrity lost on many of us.

Recently I asked Erica to share with me the value system she uses in her coaching and what she tries to instill on the field, with her young players, She said:

"Good Sportsmanship is about winning without boasting and about losing without making excuses. It is about being a person and not just a player. It's about helping a person who might be weaker and has fallen. Good Sportsmanship is about going out of one's way to make sure another is okay".

I cannot say it any better than she does and I will not try. It seems to me that just as times are so dire for so many of us Erica shines as a coach and mentor to the young. She teaches integrity and honor and these are lessons that we should have all learned.. Thank you Erica for changing our lives every day of the year.

Robyn

Three years ago, having initiated the project I moved to Massachusetts to do, I accepted another position with the same agency in another city. I knew Robyn as the efficient and polite office manager from another department in the same building where I had been assigned. My office was originally in the same suite as hers, then moved down the hall, then up the stairs and finally back to the same suite where she works. Eight office moves in less than three years has been troubling for some of my long term clients who refer to me as "Gypsy", My clients like to tease me not to hang up prints or get too settled. "Cath", one said, "Don't get too comfy here because you are going to be reassigned within six months". To the many who wish to know why my "space" was once again shuffled, I reply, "Well, actually this time I requested it, you see my barista is here".

I was joking of course, but the reality is that no matter where I moved I would almost daily visit Robyn and beg a cup of her incredibly brewed coffee. Robyn's coffee is better than most of those internationally known chains, She would laugh each day while I slunk into her suite holding my empty mug. She would then wave me off to the coffee machine while others asked "Doesn't Cathy have a coffee machine in her own suite"? If Robyn went on vacation or took a day off, I would shrug off the coffee and slink up back to my office and pop the first can of diet coke for the day. If she did not make it I would not drink it.

Over the years I have known her she has twice become a proud grandmother and twice become a generous fundraiser. Over the years we shared a secret that perhaps has contributed to our mutual acceptance and tolerance of each other. She is my only friend who is not a lover of dogs and I am sure I am her only friend who is not a rabid rock and roll fan. We share cancer survival.

Now we have handled our survivals quite differently. On my fifth year clear anniversary I said "Whew" and "Glad that is over" and "Done". Robyn, nine years clear, asked what she could do to give back. She wanted to thank those who had cared for her and other breast cancer survivors, She wanted to show compassion and support for other cancer patients.

I had to wonder why she did not simply sign up for a pink ribbon event as she walks, runs and bicycles almost daily.It would seem to me that would be the thing for her to do. Such was not the case for Robyn who found a way to combine her talent and expertise as an organizer with her passion for music and of course her deep love for her two daughters, Heidi and Crystal, whom she had raised as a fearless single Mom.

She would not do this the easy way.

In fact while Robyn started out small last year she grew the gala this year. While she poured over her home computer for hours selecting just the right gifts for the hundreds of raffle prizes she did everything else on foot. Well, car and foot. She told me today that she is just not an email type of person. If she has to send a thank you note, she writes in on paper and sends it. For Robyn's fundraiser though, she is not content to phone, write or email (incidentally all the very things one would expect of most office managers), she visits in person. You see this is not a small thing to Robyn. She means business and she spends 365 days a year working her business of giving. She may not take herself very seriously but what she does is serious stuff. She invests every ounce of her fiber in her family and her passion. Her passion is to help people in a place where she once found herself. She understands the terror and the pain and she is not going to let you forget that she is out there and is spending part of each day of her life helping to insure that new research, new treatments and new cures are on the horizon.

She routinely takes the week before the gala off from work (if you could see the size of the room she decorates, the balloons and decorations and the hundreds of beautifully and personally made gift baskets she makes for each guest you would know why) and since I could not attend this year, I arrived at work the day she returned a bit out of breath. I had not fully opened the door or taken off my coat when she greeted me at the door. Bubbling with joy she told me "Eight thousand dollars Cathy, it looks like we raised over eight thousand dollars"!

Unsuccessful at choking back my tears, Robyn looked troubled by my response. I muttered a very bad swear word and then I said, "Robyn, Imagine if every single one of us did half of what you do"? I was a little less emotional after she inter officed me and told me coffee was fresh.

Thanks to Robyn who took a very horrifying experience with a very scary illness and turned it around in such a selfless and compassionate way. Thank you Robyn for your selfless efforts to find a cure for breast cancer every day.

Cheryl

The thing I like most about Cheryl is that from the moment you speak with her it is as if you
have known her all your life. Cheryl is one of the most naturally ebullient people I have ever met and since that very moment, I have been inspired by her compassion. I first met Cheryl after moving to my new city a few years ago. My dog Albee had been severely abused as a puppy and he did not take to grooming so very well. He is not always sure he wants to be touched and he is pretty sure if he does not like to be touched where you touch him he might bite you.

I found Cheryl quite by accident. Her van with her poster advertising Cheryl's Grooming Room was parked in the lot of my office building.
"Having a Ruff Day?" read her poster. This made me chuckle on my way to work. Oh my, I thought as I hurried to my office."Oh my, Cheryl, you have,no idea".

A few months later when it was time for Albee to get his salon treatment I found it difficult to find a groomer who was not skittish about working with him. ""He only bites if he is afraid", I reassured. "I will stay there the whole time with you so he will be calm" I pleaded. I was about ready to call the Vet and ask for some sedating medicines for Albee when I remembered Cheryl's poster. I began to google her. When and I finally did find her Cheryl's Grooming Room, I left her a voice mail.

"Hi Cheryl, this is Cathy and I saw your sign on your van and I am so hoping you can help me... because my dog is a rescue dog and no one in town will groom him... and he does not bite but he gets very scared... and then he tries to bite and I do not know what to do, can you help me...sniffle, sob, sob....thank you Cathy". I figured she would never call me back.

Actually she called me right back and told me not to worry and she would see Albee and everything was okay. She told me she was a rescuer of animals and understood Albee's problem . When Albee and I did arrive she had her sister, Linda, and her assistant in tow. All were poised to take on the 16 pound West Highland White "Terrorist" who began his life in not such a very nice place. You see Cheryl knows all about this very thing.

You would not know from any outward appearances today that Cheryl's early life was one of immense struggle and disappointment. A stunning blonde with a quick and infectious laugh she runs her grooming room as a side business because she and her Tom pay out of pocket for every animal she rescues Cheryl and her long time partner Tom live in a meticulously and beautifully maintained house in one the city's best neighborhoods. They have, for thirteen years, built a magnificent home while they passionately dedicated themselves to animal rescue. In ten yeas they have rescued well over a hundred dogs, cats and geese. Their own four "children" are rescued creatures and bark loudly whenver Albee and I visit Cheryl's Grooming Room where animals having a "ruff" day go for loving and careful grooming.

Cheryl began her life in poverty. Living in "housing" in our city meant that dogs or cats were not permitted. Cheryl's mother, ill with alcoholism, was not able to see her daughter's lonlieness or need for companionship. She was not permitted goldifsh or hamsters even though she desperately needed someone to care for and someone to cae for her. To assuage her pain she began playing with and caring for the animals in her nieghborhood. Almost from the very start of her life she developed a strong bond with animals and a concept of "rescue" long before it became a "cause celebre". She knew she would spend her life rescuing and caring for abused and neglected creatures because in a very profound way they had also rescued her.

I don't know what happens when I drop Albee off for his appointments. As he has come to know and trust Cheryl he has become calmer and less of a "tantrum canine" when I drop him off for groomng. Cheryl bends down to meet Albee at his own level and speaks to him softly while she shoos me out the door. For his first appointment I waited just at the end of her driveway fearful he would attack her and her assistants. Now I catch up on the grocery shopping or worse camp out at the local ice cream shop serving up the best hot fudge sundaes anywhere. Heck yea my nerves need soothing too!

While Cheryl provided me with a quote, an affirmation and prayer that guides her every day, I do not have permission to use that author's work so instead I use her own words to me about her life's mission. She believes that we are stewards over the animals on the planet. Her passion is in saving animals and Cheryl does what she can, in her own backyard at a huge financial expense to her and Tom.. Her rescue stories, too heartbreaking for me to share, show that she takes on the most desperate of cases and by dint of her unwavering devotion and prayer she heals. Cheryl in honesty and with humility is honored to do the work. She feels priviledged to give and she does so 365 days a year.

I pick up Albee from grooming and he is a calm and handsome dog. He wears a little ascot that Cheyl has made for him and he literally prances out the door. He knows he is "cuteness incarnate but does not apologize for his stubbornness of earlier in the day. He sits next to me in the car and sighs. He has just been in the presence of an angel and she made him look so handsome indeed.

Thank you to Cheryl, her partner of 13 years,Tom, her sister Linda and her best friend, Lisa. Cheryl made it very clear to me that together this family does the work. She refused to take credit alone for her efforts.

I share these three stories with you of three extraodinary women as this year's annual Thanksgiving column. It is not because any of them wanted or needed thanks or kudos. In fact, all three were initially a bit hesitant about putting themselves out here. All three women understood that the point of this year's article was not about them or their selfless efforts to change the world. All three of them agreed to be profiled to help me,the author, and not to promote themselves or their work. All three women understood my objective in this article would be to send the message that if each of us did just one small thing, one small give back, our world would be in such less dire straits than it has been.

It is huge to expect that anyone would spend thousands of dollars rescueing creatures of abuse, or devoting thousands of hours to fundraising for a cure, or thousands of hours promoting integrity and understanding for a new generation of young and impressionable children. These women are exceptional in that regard. What we all can do is to open our hearts and mnds and look for ways to make a difference. All of us, no matter how dire our financial resources, no matter how compromised our health or how difficult our family situations can find ways to give every day of the year.

Last year I wrote that it is time for all of us to tap into our vast bank of resources of kindness, compassion, knowledge and expertise. Open the doors to the vault and send the stored gifts of a lifetime of your experiences, passions and wisdom. Send them out to the world.. Send everything out without any expectation of a thank you or a dollar. Your reward will exceed your expectations beyond your imagination.

Blessed thanks for giving to all.












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