That was Some February 2008 We Just Had - Part 2

Well, good thing it was a leap year, you couldn't fit all this stuff into a regular-sized February:

Sports Business:

Super Bowl champions, the NY Giants, were welcomed home with one of New York's famous ticker tape parades. Unfortunately, most of the team was killed by excessive paper cuts.

Pitchers and catchers reported for spring training in February, with steroid suppliers and lawyers reporting later in the month.

Roger Clemens appeared before Congress denying any charges that he used HGH and steroids. Clemens said these false charges are, "Making me angry. You don't want to make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

But Congress is really serious about looking into this baseball steroid scandal. Personally, I hope they find out Osama Bin Laden is on steroids, then they can really go after him.

Government Business:

Democratic House leaders attempted force a vote to hold Ms. Harriet Miers, former White House counsel, in contempt of Congress. We had no idea Miers was taking steroids.

Congress passed the Economic Stimulus Bill giving many taxpayers a rebate of up to $1200. There was much debate over which taxpayers would receive a check, but both sides agreed, "Nothing for Wesley Snipes."

The government proposed a 28-mile virtual fence along the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona to help prevent illegal border crossing by virtual smugglers and virtual immigrants.

It's the 225th anniversary of the Great Seal of the United States, so the State Department opened a new touring exhibit to trace the history of the seal and dispel the myths that it is a secret code by the Freemasons that leads to a fabulous treasure. When asked to comment, Nicholas Cage said, "Drat!"

Senate Democrats rejected the Attorney General's request to delay new sentencing changes for crimes involving crack cocaine which will let nearly 20,000 federal inmates seek reductions in their crack cocaine sentences; just in time to vote for Obama. The Democrats say these felons could then go out and buy crack cocaine, which will help stimulate the economy.

World Business:

Iran state television reported that Iran launched a research rocket as part of its goal of developing a space program. Think how fast their bombs will go when they put them in rockets instead of cars. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared that they hope to land a car bomb on the moon by decade's end, bringing space travel into the 12th century.

Saudi Arabia convicted a woman of being a witch and is going to execute her. It makes Hillary so glad to be an American. This is further expected to dampen the campaign to make Halloween a holiday in Saudi Arabia.

Danish authorities arrested three people suspected of plotting a cartoonist's assassination for his depiction of the Prophet Muhammad wearing a bomb-shaped turban that enraged Muslims two years ago. It took so long to catch them because police sketch artists were very reluctant to draw sketches of the suspects.

President Bush completed his tour of Africa, where he received many accolades and thanks for all the good deeds he and America have done for the continent. But as the American Media reported it, "Africa who?"

Business Business:

Microsoft made a 44.6 billion dollar offer to buy Internet server Yahoo. How did we learn of this deal? We googled it.

Science Business:

Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic are saying that patients' cell phone use can effect the quality of his sperm, so all you guys you were worried about getting brain cancer from using a cell phone, it seems strapping the thing to your belt wasn't the swiftest move.

An Israeli study shows that Cialis, the drug used to treat impotence, may help fighter pilots operate at high altitude and thin atmosphere by helping them keep a better grip on their joysticks. Apparently it speeds up take-offs but, however, delays landings.

The Pentagon shot down a dying, bus-size U.S. spy satellite loaded with toxic fuel on a collision course with the Earth. They wanted to prevent the fuel-filled satellite from hitting the earth and avoid any more real estate destruction under the Bush Administration. So let that be a warning to all you decaying orbit satellites out there.

Hamas children's programming is still using cartoons to teach children to hate, with a Bugs Bunny character that threatens to kill Jews. On the other hand, Palestine's Equal Time laws force the show to also have the rabbit announce he hates Americans, too. Yes, it's the Mickey Hamas Club. M-I-C...see you in hell. K-E-Y...why? Because we hate you! Even worst are their games shows, "Jew or No Jew" and "One vs. 100 Infidels."

Hey, Cuba!

Fidel Castro resigned as leader of Cuba due to ill health. So, good-by Miami! Oddly, he hopes to retire to a nice gated community in Boca del Vista. The 81-year old dictator has placed his younger brother in charge, the 79-year old Raul, which is exciting the younger voters of Cuba, because he's vowing to be a younger, more vibrant agent of change. So, anyway, I'm glad we finally got that out of the way.

Fidel Castro said that he's relieved to be stepping down as Cuba's president, complaining that the process of selecting Cuba's next government had left him "exhausted." Because running a dictatorship is just that time-consuming. Not for nothing, he's a dictator! If he can't get vacation days, who can? Man, if only we had known, we would have asked him to step down years ago.

With the recent change of power in Cuba from Fidel to Raul, Chris Matthews, on his show, "Hardball," wondered aloud why Cubans on the island still support the Castro brothers, asking "What is it that allows that lock on those people to continue?" Later on, Matthews also wondered why prison inmates support the prison wardens and guards.

With little brother Raul Castro taking charge, one wonders how this will affect the distribution of his "Raul Beer" brand beer.

Naturally, the Media covering the Castro story are calling Fidel a "rock star," "the world's longest-serving political leader," "president," "dashing" and "charismatic." That's strange, because with the thesaurus I used, none of those terms came up for the word "dictator."

Meanwhile, back here:

The Dallas County district attorney released a transcript of an alleged conversation between President Kennedy's assassin Lee Harvey Oswald and Oswald's killer Jack Ruby two months before the assassination. The authenticity of the transcripts is in doubt because at one point Oswald says "LOL" and refers to Ruby as his "BFF."

ABC news did a story noting that "Americans give back 438 million vacation days a year" pointing out that "America is the only major country in the world that has no government-mandated time off." So, wait, I'm supposed to come out against days off from work? That's just silly.

In Sunnyvale, California, a man tried to file charges against his neighbors because their towering redwoods blocked sunlight to his backyard solar panels; in case you were wondering what would replace the "Paper or plastic" eco-conundrum in the future. Then an earthquake hit and destroyed both.

A bank in New York mistakenly put $5 million in a man's account and then had him charged with grand larceny when they allowed him to withdraw $2 million. Also, he has to return the toaster.

The Media has begun throwing the term "stagflation" around for the first time since the 1970s. What is stagflation? It's inflation where woman aren't invited.

USA Today reported that global warming could allow for giant Burmese pythons to colonize up to a third of the USA. Fortunately, the nuclear and chemical wastes weve been dumping for years will cause giant mutant Mongooses to appear which will eat the snakes. This, of course, may explain those late-night TV commercials for the ACME Institute of Air Conditioning Repair and Snake Wrangling.