That was Some Month We Had, Part 2

There were updates on the war on terror when Al Qaeda shut down its secret internet system after information from the site wound up on an ABC news show. Losing this link to Al Qaeda intel is a big lose but ABC did say the information was necessary for their new hit show, "Dancing with the Terrorists."

Marion Jones had to forfeit her Olympic victories because she ran while using steroids. In a related story, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has to forfeit the governor's office for the same reason. Jones was forced to return the five medals she won. Unfortunately, she did not have the receipts for the medals and could only return them for Olympic store credit. When asked about the situation, a spokesman for the steroids industry responded, "Get out of my way before I crush you like a bug, you pencil-necked geek."

A report by Entrepreneur.com lists a number of industries that may no longer exist by the year 2017. Because of changing technology and business climates we may see an end to used bookstores, record stores, coin-operated arcades and Clinton Fundraisers.

A black professor discovered a hangman's noose on her office door at Teachers College at Columbia University on Tuesday police said. The media is calling for new rope control laws.

Mayor Bob Levy, the Democratic mayor of Atlantic City, resigned after a mysterious 2 week disappearance...beating the spread. This situation prompted other mayors to put together a new slogan, "It's 10 o'clock...do you know where your mayor is?" But as the old saying goes, "What happens in Jersey, stays in Jersey, usually in a swamp somewhere." In the end, the Mayor resigned when it was revealed he lied about his military record. Dan Rather is expected to sue him.

And yes, there's more New Jersey news. Governor Jon Corzine filed a lawsuit challenging the Bush Administration's limiting of eligibility for the State Children's Health Insurance Program. The Governor claims the policy would deny health insurance for over 10,000 New Jersey children. The governor added, "And if the lawsuit doesn't work, I know a guy..."

In other Tri-state news, New York City created a new ad campaign to attract foreign visitors, featuring the slogan "This is New York City." This replaces the old slogan, "Come to New York. Don't worry somebody here probably speaks your language."

The Bush administration reported that the federal budget deficit fell to $162.8 billion in the just-completed budget year. This is the lowest level in five years proving the government was on track to accomplish President Bush's goal of creating a surplus by 2012. Democrats in Congress responded by calling "dibs!"

Things just keeping coming Al Gore's way: He's won an Oscar, an Emmy and the Nobel Peace Prize. And now he just received a letter telling him he may have won a million dollars. With his win of the Noble Peace Prize, speculation has resumed that he may run for the White House. But a spokesman for the former vice-president stated "Al Gore will run again when the Arctic freezes over."

Bill Cosby published a new book called "Come on, People" in which he claims that African-American families today are in trouble but not wholly because of institutional racism, saying a lack of proper parenting skills by mothers and fathers is also responsible. The liberal establishment has labeled Cosby a racist and told him to go back to Hollywood where he belongs.

The nation's first baby boomer applied for Social Security benefits in October, signaling the start of an expected avalanche of applications from the post-World War II war generation. Her check was then issued...post-dated.

A fisherman in Florida caught a record-breaking 844-pound shark during a fishing tournament. Several law firms are now bidding on the fish.

In Alabama, an 81-year old woman shot a homeless man after finding him washing his clothes in her laundry room. The man claims he was out of quarters. Liberals are now demanding stricter washing machine control laws.

A federally funded study in Chicago area is looking to determine if homosexuality is genetic. If the study is conclusive, look for a very special episode later this season on HEROS.

Embattled Sen. Larry Craig asked the Minnesota Court of Appeals Monday to overrule a county judge who refused to allow him to withdraw his guilty plea in connection with an arrest in an airport bathroom sex sting. Said Craig, "when I made my guilty plea that didn't mean I was admitting guilt, it meant I'm just a really bad lawyer." The Senator then announced he will not be resigning from Congress, despite the court's ruling. Talk about your flip-flops...which, coincidently, is what he was wearing at the time of his arrest.

A 15-year old boy scout survived a bear attack in Pennsylvania this week by playing dead in his sleeping bag. How was he able to so effectively seem lifeless and unanimated? He's a graduate of the Joe Biden School of Public Speaking. And yes, not only is Joe Biden a member of the Hair Club for Men, he also wants to be president.

Ellen DeGeneres was reduced to tears on her talk show while talking about a puppy adoption gone wrong. The agency took back a dog she had adopted then passed along to a friend, a violation of a contract signed by DeGeneres. The friend? Dogfight League commissioner, Michael Vick.

The Dalai Lama received the Congressional Gold Medal in October, with Pope Benedict getting the Silver and Rev. Billy Graham grabbing the Bronze. Ironically, the medal was made in China. And had to be recalled because it contained traces of lead.

And in the "It's a Small World" department, it turns out that Barack Obama is a distant cousin of Vice President Dick Cheney. Said a spokesman for the Cheney family, "Where did we go wrong? You try to set a good example for your family and this is what happens! Kids, today."

Education officials in the state of Maine have voted to make birth control available in middle schools, to children as young as 11. The State is also changing its motto from "Dirigo," a Latin word meaning "I lead" to "Boinko" a Latin word meaning "I boink."

During Russian President Vladimir Putin's annual call-in show he ridiculed America's troubles in Iraq, spoke about his ties with Iran and warned against U.S. efforts to create its missile defense system. Air American immediately offered him his own show.

David Copperfield's warehouse in Las Vegas was raided as part of a FBI investigation. Authorities received information that Copperfield was turning tricks.

San Francisco is considering opening the nation's first legal safe-injection room, where addicts could shoot up heroin, cocaine and other drugs under the supervision of nurses. Man, what were they smoking when they came up with that idea?

Legal arguments are hitting Hawaiian courts over the issue of ancestry. Native Hawaiians are entitled to numerous federal programs for land, loans and schools while others who are less then 50% Hawaiian are excluded, so it's becoming a problem. It's like comparing pineapples and oranges.

An angry cable customer attacked her local cable company's office with a hammer. Liberal groups quickly demanded stronger hammer control laws. The woman was fined and received a suspended jail sentence. She was originally supposed to be sentenced to house arrest with court officers scheduled to come to her house to install her ankle bracelet between 10am and 4pm. They never showed.

J.K. Rowling, author of the popular Harry Potter books, revealed that Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts, is gay. Parents immediately began pulling their kids from Hogwarts. With this announcement, the books were banned in Iran. Of course this explains that line in the book when Harry asked Dumbledore, "is that a wand in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" Of course the news came out just in time for the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade in NYC.