That was Some Month We Just Had Part 4

In sports, baseball general managers recommended that instant replay be used to help umpires make difficult decisions because baseball games aren't long and drawn out enough, sure, by all means, let's stop and watch the last play a couple of times.

Alex Rodegiz first opted out of his contract with the NY Yankees then he opted back in. So, I guess he'll be playing with the Yankees as their designated Democrat.

All-time home run hitter, Barry Bonds, was indicted by a federal grand jury on perjury and obstruction of justice charges after a four-year investigation into whether he lied under oath about his use of steroids. However the indictment had an asterisk next to it. Authorities became suspicious about Bonds because the asterisk next to his home run record was way too big and had a misshapen head. A spokesman for the steroid industry stated again, "Get away from me, you pencil-necked geek before I punch your heart out."

Organizers of the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China have included Bibles on their list of "prohibited objects" in the Olympic village where athletes will stay. Responded the Iranian Track & Field team, "Good to hear!" Plans are being made to smuggle the good books inside giant fortune cookies. It sounds strict, but those are the rules. Gee, I sure hope nobody tries to sneak pirated copies of the Bible into China. Wow. Who could have foreseen an atheistic communist country pulling a stunt like that? Fortunately, the Chinese are happy to continue to manufacture Christmas decorations and lights for us. Also banned; the Mongolian synchronized swimming team, steroids with a hint of lead and any toy manufactured in China.

Speaking of which:

Officials ordered "Aqua Dots," a popular Chinese-made children's toy, pulled from the shelves after scientists found it contained a chemical that converts into a powerful "date rape" drug when ingested. Wow, suddenly all those toys we got loaded with lead are starting to look pretty good now. Chinese officials apologized for the mix up, explaining that this chemical was supposed to go in the pet food they make.

Musicians in the news:

Paul McCartney, in the middle of a nasty divorce with Heather Mills, was spotted canoodling with a 47-year-old millionaire businesswoman. While there's speculation on why he would leave Mills for her, you have to admit, she does have a leg up on Mills.

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, U2's Bono, agrees there is a real threat posed by Islamic fundamentalists such as al-Qaeda. When asked why he thinks a religion of peace can be responsible for violence Bono responded, "Hey, I'm Irish. It's kind of our thing."

The astronauts who returned to earth after spending 5 months on the International Space Station had to deal with some problems caused by the return to earth's gravity. These problems include dizziness, nausea, blood puddles in the legs and feet and vertigo. Worse of all is sticker shock when they filled their gas tank for the first time in 5 months.

The Dept. of Labor announced that non-farm payroll employment rose by 166,000 in October, and the unemployment rate was unchanged; except for a couple of brokerage house CEOs.

After saying they opposed Michael Mukasey as attorney general, Democratic presidential candidates Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Chris Dodd and Barack Obama skipped the confirmation vote. If these guys had half a spine, they'd be dangerous.

Tiny presidential candidate, Senator Dennis Kucinich is sponsoring impeachment papers against Vice President Cheney. Why? Because he's magically malicious.

Hillary was caught using plants to ask her a certain questions at her recent town hall meetings and she still flip-flopped on the answer. The questioner was found out when reporters located her "male escort" service on the web. But people became suspicious when she stated she was from FEMA. In response, the campaign is going to be a lot stricter about who's allowed to attend these meetings and make sure they stand closer to the stage but they claimed that plants are green and good for the environment, so it's okay.

In a related story, Al Gore was questioned by a plant in the audience. But it was a real plant.

Around the internet people are claiming that by shopping at retailers who import their products from China that they are supporting communism. But retailers say that getting the Chinese involved with capitalism will bring down the communist regime. Well, I can only add "Better red than lead."

Well, the Mainstream Media keeps trying to talk the country into a recession by focusing only on the bad news. And the market is responding with big swings. Which is why I have all my money invested in beanie babies and soda cans.

An anchorman for New York 1 cable News had to resign after it was learned he called in on the station's call-in show to comment on the air about the Bernard Kerik scandal under a false name. And later he called Moe the Bartender to ask him if his refrigerator was running. Since when do reporters assume false identities? I mean other than Clark Kent.

It's being reported that Saddam Hussein had deliberately tried to fool the U.S. into believing he had weapons of mass destruction because he wanted Iranian leaders to believe that he had nuclear and biological weapons. Well played, Hussein well played. I mean, where did he get this strategy? A 1960's TV sit-com?

President Bush, as part of the annual White House Thanksgiving Tradition, pardoned a turkey, named Liberty from being a Thanksgiving dinner. The turkey later raped and murdered a woman. Man, things have really gone downhill for him since Rove quit.

Columnist Robert D. Novak reported that New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's campaign is sitting on "scandalous" information about Senator Obama Barack. If it's his stand on Health Care, Defense or the Iraqi war, don't bother, Novak, we already know. But really, if Novak knows it, who doesn't?

TV self-help guru Dr. Phil McGraw was hit by a truck while he was chatting to fans, by phone, on a syndicated radio show. He wasn't hurt, but he did drop his breakfast burrito and coffee. What really ticked him off was that it was the free car Oprah gave him.

U.S. officials recently declared a 55 percent drop in attacks since the launch of an offensive nine months ago, which coincidently matches the 55 percent drop in the NY Times readership. Really, who would have thought that actually sending in more than enough troops might actually win a war?

Dick Wilson, the actor who played Mr. Whipple for years in the Charmin commercials, passed away. The family is requesting flowers in lieu of squeezes.

AP photographer Bilal Hussein is being detained in Iraq as a member of the insurgents, supplying weapons to the enemy. Stated a lawyer for the AP, "But he takes such good pictures!"

It's been reported the Vice President Al Gore work as a private consultant has increased his net worth to an estimated $100 million. How does he protect his fortune? He keeps it in a locked box. But based on his dire predictions of Global warming that seem to increase his net worth, some refer to him as the next Ken Lay. We're not sure, but maybe you should sell your shares of Global Warming Incorporated. But a man shouldn't be judged by the size of his income, but the shape of his carbon footprint. But a couple of million more and he'll be pretty darn thankful for the Bush tax cuts.

The United Nations acknowledged that it overestimated the size of the AIDs epidemic. Apparently, when the UN asked "how many people had HIV?" many of the people thought the UN said "SUV" and raised their hands.

The New York restaurant Serendipity 3, known for making the world's most expensive dessert, was shut down by the health department because inspectors found mouse droppings in multiple areas of the restaurant. Granted, they were 24 karat gold mouse droppings, but still---

Martha Stewart's mother died. She was 93 and will be turned into a decorative centerpiece during a very special episode of the Martha Stewart show.

The Humane Society of the United States filed suit challenging the U.S. Department of Agriculture's policy of excluding chickens and turkeys killed for human consumption from the Humane Methods of Slaughter Act of 1958. It seems they feel that current poultry slaughter methods are cruel and that these birds shouldn't be subjected to needless suffering before we, you know, kill and eat them. It seems there's been a lot of progress in the field of slaughtering and chickens can now be included. Still illegal; water-boarding fish.

Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan claims President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney misled the public about the role of White House aides in leaking the identity of a CIA operative. He states this in an excerpt of a book he's written and you know it must be true, because a man doesn't lie to his publisher, where now he's able to tell his side of the story, for money. This is a breaking story and so important that the book is being rushed out for April 2008.

While reporting on Scott McClellan's charge, NBC News White House correspondent David Gregory, made a false statement about the "Scooter" Libby case claiming Libby "went to jail for obstructing the leak investigation." He did not. He was convicted and sentenced but was had his sentence commuted before ever setting foot in any prison. Maybe Gregory got McClellen mixed up with TODAY show contributor Martha Stewart. But Time Magazine probably wouldn't hire Libby anyway.

At New Hampshire high school, Barack Obama candidly admitted to drinking and drugging in his teen years. But then, if my middle name was Hussein, I'd probably do a lot of drinking and drugs, too.

NFL quarterback Michael Vick reported to prison to begin incarceration for his role in the dog fighting conspiracy. He may be serving a five year prison sentence. That's 35 years in dog years. But he can get time off for good behavior. Yes, he can. Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? In prison he hopes to pass the time by organizing prisoner fights.

In a related story, Hollywood announced it's latest production, "The Longest Yard 2: All Dogs Go to Prison."

Commenting on the upcoming Supreme Court case about a Washington DC gun control law, The New York Times displayed its complete disregard of the Constitution in an editorial claiming our founding law is out of date and doesn't "confront modern-day reality." They did every thing but call the Constitution "quaint." Who knew Alberto Gonzales was working at the New York Times?

San Francisco has passed a law banning the use of plastic bags at large supermarkets. Not to worry, though. They also passed the Big Pocket Bill, forcing coat makers to increase the size of their pockets.

ABC's season finale of "The Bachelor" made news when the Bachelor didn't choose either girl. Why are we reporting it? I mean, a guy with commitment issues? Not exactly news.