That's Not How It's Done!

There are a number of times in your life, when you just think to yourself that you've just made a mistake, surely that's not how to do what you just did.I met a new girl, and took her out on a date. I thought the date went wonderfully. However, in the days that followed, I was becoming disabused of that notion.Things just were not sparking the way that they were before and during the date. The date itself was awesome, my date and I went to my favorite restaurant where the staff knew me by name and made sure we got everything we wanted.

I even managed to get past the infamous "rescue call" moment.

For those of you not in the know, we will describe what a rescue call is. If you've been out of touch with society for some reason, such as being married since before cell phones, or you're the Living embodiment of the internet meme "forever alone," or perhaps you've come up with the rescue call on your own and have it named something else. Anyways, let's get it defined, so you understand the moment of success I was able to enjoy.

A rescue call is literally a date rescue method devised by women since the advent of the cell phone. Men have begun using rescue calls as well, but only during football season, when really good games are on. The set-up for the rescue call is simple. The lady on the date makes sure that a pal (whom we call "Jessica") knows all the particulars of the date. This will allow "Jessica" to call the lady about fifteen minutes into the scheduled meal portion of the date. Since it's usually a combination of dinner followed by something, anything else, this means the rescue call arrives about the time you've finished ordering knickknacks and are settling in for "get to know each other" time.

For the lady, there are several responses, which any dating guy can recognize. The first response is the best one for the guy: "Um, Jess I'm sorry, I'm out on a date and I can't." This means she's already lost in your eyes, and you've found a soulmate. This response has a nasty backhand, though. It's code for "I like the guy I'm out on a date with, and I'll claw his eyes out if he's leading me on." For the initiated male, this is great news; if he's smart he'll turn the charm and manners up, start throwing some wit around, and just in general make the lady feel comfy and do what he can to recognize that the performance pressure is now squarely on him. So for the guy, a rescue call is the first big relationship hurdle.

If you're a lady reading this, you'll get the mental picture that I just cleared the first hurdle by a city-block.

if you're a guy reading this, you will get the mental picture of a stack of hurdles exploding into pieces as I run right through them.

I got that response from Laine, and boy did I ever ratchet things up. Drinks were served to her, "None For me thanks, I'm driving," sort of deal. Conversation was great, and the evening also ended with a polite request for me to "come in for a cup of coffee." Of course I accepted the invite.So the next day I called Laine just like I said I would, and got kind of a cool reception. Coming off the high note of the previous evening, I thought to myself: "that's not how that should be."

This is where I should have begun to recognize that something was not right. I had learned from Laine that Jessica was her roommate, and that they got along famously. I had not actually met Jessica yet. The second day after the date I called Laine and set up a second date. This was agreed to heartily, and I thought "this is awesome, I'm awesome, she's awesome... my life is awesome!" It appeared that at last, after what for a guy is a considerable dry spell (96 hours) I had a steady girlfriend... or at least the great beginnings of one.

So we're off on the second date. Things are immediately a little out of place. Laine seems a little out of sorts, and just a bit under the weather. In addition, she was not as snappily dressed as she had been on the first date.

The second date is usually much more relaxed, and I assigned the extra tension in this second date to the curse that all women share, and being a gentleman I shall discuss that no further.

Imagine my surprise when a rescue call comes in on the second date!

And I thought to myself for the second time in this relationship: "That's not how that should be." So Laine throws out response number two that is normal for guys to hear: "Can I be excused for a moment, I have to take this call." With that, Laine disappears from the table, presumably to the ladies' room. For a lady, this means that the date is salvageable, but she needs advice on something you've already said or done that's making her uncomfortable. Given the way the first date ended, if you're a guy and you get this response on the second date, you will understand when for a third time, in my mind: "That's not how that should be."

Most guys with no morals are at this exact moment recognizing this is the time to exit, up to and including stabbing the chic with whatever tab that you've run up at the bar; but as a man of morals, I chose to remain with Laine, because quite frankly, not only was it gentlemanly to wait on her, but Laine is the living breathing definition of the word hottie. Single, self-employed, extremely hot, house of her own, in her mid-twenties, and no kids and no sign of settling down to have any.

Any man would be a complete moron to leave a lady like that high and dry. Besides, a lady like that would probably retain a Lawyer to recover the bar tab.

Laine returns to the table. This is where any guy kinda dies inside, because she's about to deliver a Knockout punch. It's usually the lady's way of letting you down easy, because you were a great date but not actually keeper material. Expecting to hear "Hey, I've got to run, Jessica needs help." I instead hear: "Sorry about that, I had to tell Jessica to mind her own business tonight."

For the Ladies: I just cleared hurdle number two, by a mile.

For the guys: That linebacker chasing you that weighs six tons just tripped over his own ankle fat and fell! Now get going, nothing can stop you now!!!

At this point, it's redundant to tell you about the dinner conversation, the date went great.

You should know that guys remember everything they want to remember. So imagine my surprise when I get invited up for a second cup of coffee! For once I thought "This is going all right!"

But that feeling quickly evaporated as I began to notice things that a guy should have remembered. At least, I should have. We got ready to go to the community swimming pool for a few late laps and some time in the hot tub after hours.Laine walks out in a bikini, and is sporting a tattoo that I had not noticed on the first date. "Wow, cute tattoo, dear, when did you get that?"I asked. "When I was sixteen." And once again I thought "That's not how that should be." I'm a guy. I'm not old, I'm not wasted, I should be able to remember that! Especially a tattoo right where that tattoo was. Caught staring at the tattoo on my hot girlfriend, I was off in dreamland again.

I kept having to remind Laine of the conversation we'd had on the first date, which I attributed to the sheer number of drinks she had packed away while at our second dinner date. I should have known that's not how that should have been. Women can remember everything you say, so it can be held against you later on. And If it can't be held against you, it will be misrepresented and held against you.

Several pool laps and many drinks in the hot tub later, we stumble upstairs for the night. This was the first overnight visit, and I had forgotten I had not yet met the roommate.Of course, Laine is hot, and I didn't care about roommates. But I had broken a cardinal rule of dating: Do not let the roommate see you drunk before you have a chance to find out if she is hotter than your date.

For the ladies: if a man does break that rule, he's well-laid carpet, walk all over him.

For the guys: Don't break the rule... like I've said already: That's not how it's done.

As a gentleman, the details of the remainder of the evening are classified, except for that I discovered a second previously unremembered tattoo. The next morning was a Saturday morning. So I wake up and roll over, with Laine sleeping wonderfully on my arm, and I carefully extricate myself without waking her. I am not leaving, just starting coffee and getting everything ready for when she wakes up.I take care of the usual morning business in the bathroom and make my way to her kitchen where I can hear the sounds of pots and pans being moved around. The roommate was awake, and Laine was still conked out on the bed! I had not broken the cardinal rule!

I walked into the kitchen, and there, in a pajama top and shorts, stood Laine!

"Good morning!" and I gave her a peck on the cheek. She must have gotten up while I was emptying the plumbing out in the necessary room."Good morning!" she replied, and I got a kiss back. There was the usual small talk, but I had to remind Laine of conversations from the second date now. Again, "That's not how that should be," ran through my mind.

So while Laine and I are talking, I hear from behind, "Good morning! Is there enough breakfast for me?"

I turned around, wondering what kind of roommate Jessica must be. I can only imagine the look on my face as it dawned on me that I had just become every man's hero. Jessica and Laine were not just roommates, they were twin sisters!!

For the ladies: "That's not how it's done!"

For the guys: "Now THAT'S how it's done!"