The 10 Commandments of Kissing

The misfortune of a bad kiss is a recurring topic of discussion among my friends. We've all had it happen to us at least once: he's handsome, sweet, and interesting. Everything is going perfectly until the end of the date when he seals the night with his horrible and awkward kissing style. Usually we give the man the benefit of the doubt and let him redeem himself. But hear me out fellas, you don't get too many chances with this one: Kissing is all important to women-- a bad kiss can be a deal breaker.

After years of extensive research, I have developed a set of commandments to keep in mind. These will save you from an eternity of 'bad kisser' damnation.

1. Thou shalt not eat my face
My face is not a meal. Don't try to swallow it. Yes-- a little lip biting is sexy, but keep my chin and nose out of your mouth.

2. Thou shall use your hands appropriately
Kissing me is not going to distract me from the fact that you are pinching my ass. Cup my face or gently stroke my hair, but keep the aggressive boob grabs to a minimum.

3. Thou shalt not try to asphyxiate me with your tongue
Kissing is not a game of 'let's see how far I can shove my tongue down her throat before she gags.' Take it easy, Mr. Torpedo-- unless you want me to vomit in your mouth.

4. Thou shall keep saliva to a minimum
I know that kissing is often referred to as 'swapping spit', but I don't want a reservoir of it in my mouth and rolling down my chin. Here's a little tip: Swallow. If you can't swallow without breaking the kiss, pull away for a moment.

5. Thou shall remove all foreign objects from mouth prior to kissing
This includes gum, toothpicks, chewing tobacco, and those false teeth that are attached to retainer type things. The Heimlich Maneuver kind of kills the mood.

6. Thou shall open your mouth slowly
Don't come at me with your mouth wide open. It's terrifying. Equally disturbing are those who keep their mouth in a tight little 'O'- just enough to poke the tongue through. Loosen up those lips when you kiss, Mr. Small-Mouth McGee.

7. Thou shalt not be a dead fish
Don't just lay your tongue on top of mine and expect me to do all of the work. That's not kissing. I'm not asking for a choreographed tongue routine, but if you're going in for a tongue kiss a little movement is expected.

8. Thou shall remember that you are not a dog and I am not a bowl
First of all, don't lick my face. And don't lap lap lap in quick steady motions with your tongue. If I wanted that kind of action, I would make out with your golden retriever.

9. Thou shall be adaptive
Responsiveness is key. If you absolutely have no clue, let me take the lead then mimic my kissing style. Kissing is like ballroom dancing-- a give and take is involved.

10. Thou shalt not assume that I am going to have sex with you
A kiss doesn't necessarily mean I want to rip off my clothes and jump in bed with you. Keep this in mind, gentleman: Kissing is not a means to an end. You may view it as such, but with that kind of attitude you're almost guaranteed to have an unsatisfying end. (Although being a good kisser will never hurt your chances).