The 10 Commandments for the Post-Modern Era

Recently a prophet of God who shall be called Mo Sez returned from the top of the Trump Tower with a new covenant for the people of God, whoever you are.

Mo Sez received the new 10 Commandments on an Amazon Kindle so that the new 10 Commandments can be downloaded to the masses.

Mo Sez also reported that God seems to be doing just fine these days except for a mild case of H1N1 Swine Flu. God also wants us to know that he does not care one bit for the outfits worn by Lady Gaga. But if she repents and dresses more like Summer Sanders, God will be pleased. Because Summer Sanders is really hot and wholesome.

Mo Sez then reported that God wants people to know that the Almighty has been paying attention to how those bastards running the economy have screwed things up. "I feel for the middle class most of all," God says. "How are you supposed to save for your kid's college education and retirement at the same time? The math doesn't even make sense to me," the Lord sayeth.

Mo Sez continued: "God knows you are all facing many tough choices at the start of a New Millennium. But he says that if you can't make up your mind about what to do about the economy, you should talk to someone smart like Howie Mandel, who seems to know how I think. That is the word of the Lord. Deal or No Deal."

Mo Sez then read aloud from his Amazon Kindle the 10 New Commandments of the Lord Our God. And Mo Sez wants to remind everyone that "God is keeping it real people. His newest commandments only relate to the past decade or so. God knows people don't have patience for eternal wisdom that is more than a couple news cycles old."

The 10 Commandments for the Post-Modern Age

#1. Thou shalt not keep a land-line phone number.

"God thinks cell phones and air time are a lot more like prayer. Landlines are too wired and literal."

#2. Thou shalt not put up with your current cable provider.

"God thinks watching TV on the internet is a lot smarter and cheaper. Plus you won't have to scroll through those channels with obnoxious televangelists. God hates those people."

#3. Thou shalt not have an affair with your hot English teacher.

"God doesn't care if you precocious teenagers bang the substitutes or even the gym teacher. But leave your tenured primary subject schoolteachers alone. Education is very political these days, and those teachers worked hard to earn their job security."

#4. Thou shalt not choose any Chicago Cubs in your fantasy baseball league.

"God wants to know: What, are you stupid? I warned you about the Cubs when Bartman snatched that baseball out of Moises Alou's hands. Stop choosing Cubs."

#5. Thou shalt not do any sexting.

"God sez "People, get a room!"

#6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's lease vehicle, especially if it gets lousy gas mileage.

" 'Listen people,' God says. 'Leasing is for vain, anally-retentive people. You can only drive 15,000 miles a year and can't spill a Coke or two or you get penalized for damages. You don't want to be like them. My advice is to buy something used like a Toyota Matrix that gets 30 mpg and has fold down back seats with hard shell backs so you can store your bikes or gardening tools. And don't buy American unless you get a 10 year bumper to bumper warranty."

#7. Thou shalt not vote Republican.

God says, "Those buggers screwed the pooch during the Bush era. I gave them all three branches of government and they pissed it away because they were power-hungry pigs who did not care to govern well. So screw 'em," says the Lord.

#8. Thou shalt not diss newspapers or watch Fox News.

"Newspapers are the media lambs" God says. "You should not sacrifice journalistic integrity for nothing unless you have something reliable to replace it. And Fox News sure as hell is not it."

#9. Thou shalt not listen to any of the Baldwin brothers or other actors with kneejerk political philosophies.

"They're all a bunch of blowhards even if some of them are funny and can act. And by the way, I think Meryl Streep did a really good job in Doubt." So says the Lord your God.

#10. Thou should always listen to Tom Hanks unless he is in an overblown epic about the Catholic Church.

"God thinks Tom Hanks is a really good actor. Except when he's in anything based on a book by Dan Brown.

God's prophet Mo Sez reports that God had a lot more to say, but Satan needed to break for a commercial. You can listen for God's next round of Commandments on Good Morning America.