The 10 Tackiest Celebrities

The bar for my top ten tacky celebrity list is not set especially high, or low as the case may be. Which is good, because all of these people could win most limbo dance contests, you know, how low can you go?

Some probably have practiced their limbo dance skills to keep from having to feed the meter at pay toilets in spite of mostly being a rich group. Some of the males have probably been caught "between a rock and a hard place" otherwise known as a bathroon stall between washed up singer George Michael and former Idaho Senator Larry Craig.

To make my list of the top (or bottom) of the list of the ten tackiest celebs, the first requirement is that the man or woman should be in the news on a regular basis, usually for tackiness.

The main requirement for inclusion in my list of tackiest celebrities is: general boneheaded tackiness. That's it and that's all. My list is balanced between the sexes, five men and five women. Both genders are equal opportunity offenders when it comes to celebrity tackiness, so here goes:

10. Kanye West
The tackiness of West's microphone-grabbing appearance at the awards ceremony last year still reverberates. Alas, this was not Kanye's first incident of award show tacky behavior. West has no cheating or substance abuse arrests as far as I know, so he's only #10.

9. Britney Spears
No tacky celebrity list would be complete without Britney Spears. Whether shaving her head to throw off the scent for the child custody hounds, sharing a liplock on an awards show with Madonna, more on her later, or going out in public sans underwear in full view of photographers, Britney Spears defines celebrity tackiness. She's been fairly quiet lately, so the Pop Princess has to settle for #9 on the list.

8. John Daly
John Daly has been a frequent target of mine is the tacky celebrity department. Take your pick of several articles of mine on Daly, one with Britney Spears included. The latest John Daly news has the former PGA golfer, I say former because Daly has lost his tour card, modeling undies. Maybe "Long John" could be Tiger Woods' wingman.

7. John Mayer
In case you hadn't heard, singer John Mayer created quite a stir with some comments in a couple of interviews earlier this year. I was a fan of Mayer's music, still am somewhat, even though the guy came off as a complete jerk of a tacky celeb with kiss and tell comments about Jessica Simpson.

That wasn't as bad as some bizarre racial comments about black women and his "white supremicist" Johnson. Oh well, as Mayer sang in his Grammy award winning song Daughters, "fathers be good to your daughters", only Mayer might add fathers should barricade their daughters from the love of John Mayer's life, which is apparently his "special purpose."

Before doing any more TMI interviews, I would suggest Mayer think before he speaks and think with the big head, not the little one.

6. Madonna
Not having made any bad movies lately or kissed Britney Spears on an awards show, Madonna has been quiet, other than the divorce. Like Britney Spears, no tacky celebrity list would be complete without the "material girl." Anyone who doesn't think Madonna is a tacky celeb, just review Truth or Dare or that smutty book again.

I still think Russia should be censored by the U.N. for passing up the chance to send Madonna into outer space... just send Madonna and former astronaut Lisa Nowak into orbit with one man and a steel mallet, brass knuckles and a diaper and may the worst woman win.

5. Lindsay Lohan
What needs to be said about tacky celebrityhood where Lindsay Lohan is concerned? From DUI arrests to numerous failed visits to drug and alcohol rehab to being a suspect in the theft of a $35,000 Rolex to on again-off again trips in and out of "the closet", Ms. Lohan personifies the tacky celebrity. Check out my fictitious article on Lindsay and Britney from awhile back.

4. Lady Gaga
"Lady" Gaga recently showed off her celebrity tackiness by appearing on a SNL skit with none other than Madonna, #6 on the tacky celeb list. The two didn't "swap spit" as Madonna and Britney Spears did once upon a time, but remember the old saying about "birds of a feather." Talk about a Bad Romance!

There have been reports that Gaga, otherwise known as Lady Caca, and her press flacks spread the rumor that Gaga was a hermaphrodite in order to hype sales and create publicity. A hermaphrodite as defined by Archie Bunker being one with "a little bit of both and not enough of neither."

3. Jesse James/Ben Roethlisberger
The philandering Jesse James and drunk and horny Big Ben tied for this "honor", a word which neither man seems to know the meaning of. While wife Sandra Bullock was off filming a blockbuster film, alas the Oscar-winning actress was soon "blind-sided" by the news of her hubby's cavorting with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee in her absence.

If Ms. McGee was truly a celebrity, the multi- tattooed trollop would no doubt be on this list also. As for the Steelers QB, if Big Ben doesn't ease up on the sauce a little and quit trying to emulate Tiger Woods, he could be starring in the next remake of The Longest Yard.

2. Sarah Palin/John Edwards
There is just something trailer-parkish about the half-term former Governor of Alaska now on a Quixotic quest to be President. Of (shudder) the United States of America. The fish-wife voiced Palin, whose shrill diatribes can probably be heard in Russia from her backyard, typifies the tacky celebrity.

Of course, the Jimmy Johnson-coiffed John Edwards, a former ambulance-chasing attorney, like Ben Roethlisberger and Tiger Woods, is another tacky celebrity who has a zipper problem. Edwards reportedly told John Kerry in the 2004 Presidential election the story of a promise made to his dying son that he "had never told anyone before."

The only problem was, Edwards was said to have told Kerry the story before, along with anyone one else in the U.S. Senate who would listen. Kerry had reportedly overheard the story being told to other Senators several times. The thing about that sort of thing is: if you tell the truth, you don't have to possess a great memory.

1. Tiger Woods
Who else to lead the tacky celebrity parade for 2010 but Cheetah, I mean, Tiger Woods? Taking off barefoot in the middle of the night in an Escalade to avoid a gold club swinging spouse is truly Dalyesque. In fact, even tacky celeb #8 John Daly was publicly offering marital advice to Tiger. That would be like taking advice on sobriety from most of this tacky celebrity list, take your pick.

Okay, so that's actually twelve tacky celebrities, a "Dirty Dozen" if you will.Just try narrowing it down only ten tacky celebrities in 2010...