The 10 Worst Films of the 1980's

Here is a continued look at the worst movies of the decade. This time we take a look at the ten worst films of the 1980's. As usual I am not going for obvious choices like the slew of mad slasher films (and their endless sequels) and teen sex comedies. I also didn't include famous duds such as "Heaven's Gate" and "Ishtar" because I simply don't believe them to be as bad as their reputations and not nearly as bad as those listed here.

Other films that failed to make the list but certainly got consideration were "Saturn 3," an awful sci-fi thriller with Farrah Fawcett and Kirk Douglas; "Best Defense" starring Dudley Moore and "Strategic Guest Star" (I kid you not that is how he was billed) Eddie Murphy. This was done to hide the fact that Murphy is on screen less then 10 minutes and shares no scenes with Moore. Let's not forget "Bolero" with Bo Derek which ended with Bo finally curing her lover of his impotence with neon signs above them that read 'Ecstasy.' The movie musical died with "Can't Stop The Music" which will go down in history as the only movie to star The Village People. George Lucas executive produced and then disowned "Howard The Duck" and it is easy to see why. Stephen King stories took a pounding with the worst of them being "Children of the Corn," "Firestarter," "Cujo" and"Pet Sematary."

Here are the ten worst films of the 1980's in alphabetical order:

CALIGULA (1980) - Hollywood's first epic porn film was produced by Bob Guccione, publisher of Penthouse magazine with a story by Gore Vidal of all people. Malcolm McDowell, Peter O'Toole, Helen Mirren and John Gielgud star in the tale of the maniacal leader who inflicted pain and torture in sickening ways that are presented in sickening detail here. I have a feeling O'Toole and Gielgud had no idea what they were apart of as their roles are too short to even notice. Along with the sickening violence is about ten minutes of hardcore porn that earned the film an X-rating and made it a smash hit. If you notice most of the porn does not include the main actors which would lead you to believe the film was shot without it and then added later when the filmmakers saw the atrocity they had put together and tried to salvage it.

CITY HEAT (1984) - Burt Reynolds made a host of terrible films in the 80's (Cannonball Run I & II; Smokey and the Bandit II; Malone; Heat; Physical Evidence; Stroker Ace) but I chose this dud because the talent involved promised anything but the visual atrocity that is "City Heat." Reynolds and Clint Eastwood, the two biggest stars of the last two decades, star in this gangster comedy/drama set in the 30's. The film alternates between comedy and drama without rhyme or reason in a story that is confusing to the point of finally giving up and watching what unfolds. What does unfold is nothing less then a mess of a film that goes nowhere fast. And if you pair the two biggest stars of the world wouldn't you give them as much screen time together as possible? Nothing goes right in this film and it's best left forgotten.

THE FIENDISH PLOT OF DR. FU MANCHU (1980) - Peter Sellers' last film (released after his sudden death) was likely his worst film as he played the title character plus the Scotland Yard detective out to track him down. The film is difficult to watch because Sellers looks terrible and his impending death seems obvious. It's even more difficult to watch because it's devoid of any humor whatsoever with only one chuckle provided by Sellers after an appearance by the actor who played Kato in the Pink Panther movies.

THE LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER (1980) - The origin of the masked man and his faithful Indian sidekick is awkwardly revealed in this poorly directed action film meant for kids but is shockingly violent for a PG rated film. The disastrous casting of the lead roles lead to more chuckles then anything else. As the Lone Ranger, Klinton Spilsbury (now THAT is a good trivia question) came across as a wimpy bore and it was no surprise when it was later reported that Spilsbury's lines were all dubbed by a more masculine sounding actor.

MANNEQUIN (1987) - One of the worst comedies ever made stars Andrew McCarthy (whatever happened to him?) as a guy who is the only one to see that a department store mannequin (Kim Cattrall) comes to life. The film attempts to pay homage to the classic Howard Hawks screwball comedies of the 40's with disastrous results.

THE MONEY PIT (1986) - There was a time in the 80's when Tom Hanks reeled off one dud after another (Bachelor Party; Volunteers; The Man With One Red Shoe; The Burbs; Dragnet; Punchline; Turner and Hooch) before becoming the great two time Academy Award winning actor. Of all his duds this one, a remake of "Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House," is the worst. Director Richard Benjamin, who made the aforementioned "City Heat," makes an even worse comedy (I would have thought it impossible) with Hanks and Shelly Long as a couple trying to fix up their dream house that has turned into a nightmare. Once the initial premise is in place director Benjamin simply repeats his one joke over and over again. This is an excruciatingly bad comedy.

THE OSTERMAN WEEKEND (1983) - Action director Sam Peckinpah's final film is an incomprehensible mess about a talk show host recruited by the government to expose some friends of his who are reportedly Soviet spies. Rutger Hauer, John Hurt, Burt Lancaster, Dennis Hopper, Craig T. Nelson and Chris Sarandon star in the adaptation of Robert Ludlum's thriller that fails to make any sense even after a recent third viewing. There seems to be some possibilities under the surface but they never reveal themselves and you truly find yourself scratching your head when it's over.

SPLIT DECISIONS (1988) - The nadir of Gene Hackman's career is this violent boxing tale concerning three generations of boxers and how the sport affects their lives. The film goes for the innocence of "Rocky" and then blindsides us with shocking violence ala "Raging Bull." The result is a mess with Hackman at his absolute worst.

WHEN TIME RAN OUT (1981) - Irwin Allen officially killed the disaster movie, the genre that made him millions, with this nonsensical adventure about a group of survivors on a resort island after a volcanic eruption. Just how thrilling do you think it is to see a group of people crawling along edges hoping not to fall? Paul Newman, William Holden, Jacqueline Bisset, Red Buttons, Ernest Borgnine and Burgess Meredith are among those simply collecting a paycheck. Not even the special effects are noteworthy and it is no wonder this was the end.

WINDOWS (1980) - Cinematographer Gordon Willis made his directorial debut with this hokey thriller, the first film to be released in the decade - a very bad sign. Talia Shire stars as a woman who is brutally raped and falls in love with the detective assigned to the case. This offensive thriller is ludicrous as evidenced with one scene. Shire takes a cab ride and recognizes the driver as her rapist. She gets out of the cab and calls the detective who, get this, instructs her to get BACK in the cab with him and go to a specified destination. And it only gets worse from there. I haven't even mentioned Elizabeth Ashley as a twisted lesbian. Willis never directed a major film again and it's no wonder why.