The 20-Second Relationship Repair

What if there was a simple, 20-second fix for nearly every argument you have in your relationship? Imagine in the heat of the same old fight, you could magically calm yourself and your partner down with one easy to learn technique. What is this miraculous relationship cure you ask? It's a hug. That's right, with one, firm, loving embrace you can change the tone of your disagreement and avert World War III (or whatever number it is for your relationship). It may sound silly but there is extensive neurological and psychological research that tells us just how powerful affectionate touch can be. All thanks to a little neurochemical we call oxytocin.

Researchers have long understood that oxytocin, a hormone released in the brain, has an important role in establishing emotional bonds. Often discussed in the context of mothers and infants, it's the chemical we recognize as crucial to establishing the calm and comforting connection between babies and their caregivers. The so-called "bonding" hormone, oxytocin actually works in your brain to increase feelings of trust and safety. In essence, it is the neurochemical in your brain that allows you to feel loved by others.

So what does all this neurochemistry mean for your relationship? It means that even in the midst of your biggest fights, you can quickly and effectively calm down and re-engage with your partner in a loving and compassionate manner. By activating the release of oxytocin you can help your brain to step back from the fight-or-flight response that we instinctively have during conflict and approach your partner with a fresh perspective. Many therapists and self-help books have encouraged the use of time-outs and negotiated cooling off periods to achieve similar results. These techniques can be quite effective and are especially useful in relationships which are volatile or have experienced physical or emotional violence in the past. But neuroscience has given us a new tool, one that allows you to change the tone of your interaction almost as quickly as turning on a light switch. The use of touch, whether hugging your partner or using a technique I sometimes call "holding your heart", can not only increase your intimacy with one another but reduce your stress in seconds.

Before you try to give your sweetheart a bear hug in the middle of your next fight, it is important to talk about the possibility of using this method. Suddenly reaching out to grab your partner mid-argument is not a recipe for success unless you've agreed on trying this approach in advance and you both feel comfortable with it. In fact it is often useful to try it on your own first with a technique I like to call 'holding your heart'. Simply place your hand over your heart and close your eyes. Breathe deeply and think of a moment when you felt safe and loved. Hold this image of security and comfort in your mind's eye and focus on the feelings that you had at that moment for 20-30 seconds while continuing to breathe deeply. Go ahead, try it now.

What did you feel? Most people experience a sense of warmth in their bodies and the release of tension in their muscles. In general my clients report feeling peaceful and more in control of their response toward their partner. This feeling of peace and calm is the effect of oxytocin in the brain. The experience of re-living a moment of loving security can be powerful, so don't be surprised if it brings up some strong emotions from time to time. Some couples may become tearful as they connect with feelings that may have been ignored for months or even years. If you find these emotions overwhelming, it may be helpful to talk with a therapist.

The oxytocin effect is not a miracle cure for all your relationship woes but it is a first step in learning how to comfort and soothe yourself and your loved one. It can allow you to move from attacking each other to a place of partnership and intimacy. You may even find that it opens the door to difficult conversations that ultimately improve your love life. So the next time you are overwhelmed or you see your partner losing their cool, ask them for a hug. You just might find what you've needed all along.

Author's Note:
If you are in a relationship that has included violence or threats of violence the use of these tips is not recommended. You should seek professional help to address conflict and anger within your relationship. For resources check your local yellow pages, ask your physician or try an on-line directory such as www.TherapistLocator.net

Sources:
The Toolbox at Lisa Kift Therapy http://lisakifttherapy.com/relationships/relationship-articles/the-brain-and-relationships-series-how-the-body-and-brain-react-to-conflict/

Psychotherapy Networker http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/component/content/article/177-2009-novemberdecember/692-in-consultation?q=oxytocin

BBC News Healthhttp://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4131508.stm