The 2007 "JACKY" Awards

With numerous awards shows being broadcast, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to invite you folks to the greatest awards show to ever be conceived. It's called "The Jacky Awards" and yours truly is the host. I've hosted it for the last seven years, and the ratings continue to go through the roof. The show honors those who have achieved a level of idiocy or unwarranted acclaim that is impossible to comprehend. The winners are presented with a hideous looking jackass made of fake gold! What?! I know you didn't think I was going to give these people anything made of real gold, did you? If you did I have a special Jacky just for you.

Hey, the show is just about to start! All of the "A" list celebrities are arriving for the big event. I just chased Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa off the red carpet. Imagine them trying to crash The G-man's gig? You have to keep those Hollywood-types in check. Oh, hell no! Security, who invited Dennis Hopper? That man has freaked me out ever since I watched "Blue Velvet". Get him out of here! Okay, the show producers are calling me inside. I'd better get in there before they get Billy Crystal to host. Enjoy the show!

An orchestra begins playing "Fight the Power" by The Isley Brothers. The G-man, dressed in a Yugo Boss tuxedo, steps from behind the curtain to thunderous applause. Elizabeth Taylor, Jennifer Anniston, Halle Berry, America Ferrera ("Ugly Betty"), and the guys from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" all blow kisses to him. A television cameraman gets a close shot of George Clooney raising his fist and saluting The G-man with the "black power" sign. Mike Myers is in the front row yelling, "Yeah baby, yeah!" The audience continues to applaud wildly.

G-man: Thank you! Thank you and welcome to the seventh annual Jacky Awards. Unlike other awards shows, we don't waste time with awful stage productions, sappy music or boring, corny banter between celebrities. We get right to the heart of the matter and make no apologies. With that said, to present the first award of the evening, the "What the Hell Were You Thinking" award, here are J.K. Rowling, author of the "Harry Potter" series, and Vice-President Dick Cheney.

The orchestra plays the theme from Harry Potter, as the show announcer states, "The vice-president won in this category last year after accidentally shooting his quail hunting partner."

Rowling: The nominees for the "What the Hell Were You Thinking" award are: Lisa Marie Nowak (NASA Astronaut who drove 5,000 miles in a diaper to kidnap her lover's ex-girlfriend), O.J. Simpson (for his now-defunct TV and book deal), and Carmello Anthony of the Denver Nuggets (for sucker punching a New York Knicks player during a game).

Cheney opens the envelope and Rowling says, "I hope a subpoena isn't in there."

Cheney: And the Jacky goes to...... O.J. Simpson.

The only thing that can be heard in the auditorium is a cricket.

Cheney: Simpson couldn't be here to accept this award. We gladly accept it on his behalf.

They exit. G-man walks past Cheney and ducks. The audience erupts with laughter.

G-man: (Laughing) Don't turn your back on his ass! Duck, it's Dick!! (Pause) Okay, here to present the "Get a Damn Life" award, please welcome the one, the only, Mr. T.

The orchestra begins to play the theme of the classic 80's TV show "The A-Team".

Mr. T: (In his usual gruff voice) I pity the fool who wins this award! The nominees are: Kevin Federline (ex-husband of Britney Spears), Paris Hilton (for being overexposed in the media), Britney Spears (too many reasons to list), Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, and former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.

He opens the envelope, looks at the audience and scowls, and looks down again.

Mr. T: The Jacky goes to....Paris Hilton. Come get your award, fool!

The cameraman pans to Hilton looking at herself in a hand held mirror. She blows herself a kiss, stands, and makes her way toward the stage. Mr. T hands her the award.

Hilton: Wow! I mean, wow!! It's like, hot!! This is hot! This is so hot!! I....

The orchestra begins to play music, as the escorts guide a shocked Hilton off the stage. G-man approaches the podium.

G-man: Man! I don't know what happened faster: Hilton being rushed off the stage like that or her album tanking on the charts after just one week. (Giggling) Wow! Orange jumpsuits don't work for you Paris! (Giggling) Okay, they're telling me to move along. Our next presenter has also done time behind bars, usually in back alleys throwing up. Please welcome, Courtney Love.

The orchestra begins to play "I Get High with A Little Help from My Friends". Love tosses her drink into the orchestra pit in anger.

Love: That wasn't funny....bastards. I'm here to present the "Liar of the Year" award, and the nominees are: President George W. Bush (for constantly stating we're winning the war in Iraq), George Steinbrenner (for having us believe his New York Yankees are the best team money can buy), Dick Cheney (for anything that comes out of his mouth), and all the members of Congress (for their phenomenal record of bull****). And, the Jacky goes to.....

Love drops the envelope. She bends over to pick it up and a huge joint falls out of her blouse. She glares at the orchestra pit again, puts the "doobee" behind her ear, and opens the envelope.

Love: The Jacky goes to President George W. Bush.

The orchestra begins to play "Hail to the Chief".

Love: The President couldn't be here tonight, but he sent this videotaped message.

Bush appears on a wide screen hanging over the stage.

Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. It is indeed an honor to receive this award. I must admit, Laura wasn't too thrilled about it, but I truly understand the significance of receiving this award, as a white man. I'm proud to be named "Player of the Year", and I would like to thank the "Soul Train Awards" for this honor and recognizing me as a ladies man. God bless you, and God bless America.

The crowd lightly applauds and begins to chuckle. The G-man steps to the podium. He looks up at the screen several times and laughs.

G-man: I guess the CIA gave him the wrong information....again!! Who's typing the White House memos, Stevie Wonder? I mean, damn! (Giggling) Here to present the "Enough Already!" award is everyone's favorite domestic diva, Martha Stewart.

The orchestra plays "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis Presley. Stewart walks over to the conductor and yells at him for several seconds. She is overheard saying, "See if you'll get any damn truffles from me at Christmas, ***hole! She gives him the finger and storms toward the podium. She pushes her hair behind her ears, takes a deep breath and begins to read the teleprompter.

Stewart: Good evening. The nominees for the Enough Already award are: George Clooney and the cast of "Ocean's 13" (for not stopping after "Ocean's 11"), Bruce Willis (for one "Die Hard" movie too many), Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (for adopting their 1000th kid), Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (for their over-the-top wedding), and the cast of ABC's "The View" (for acting like a bunch of cackling and hens). And the Jacky goes to......

Stewart takes out letter opener from her blazer pocket and begins a conversation with home viewers and the audience.

Stewart: Now, when opening the envelope, you want to be careful not to shred the edges too much. You want to maintain the texture of the envelope. The best way to do that is to angel the opener and push along the sealing point. (Pauses and smiles). There! This provides you with easy access to the paper with the official winner's name on it. The Jacky goes to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

The audience erupts into loud applause. The music begins to play, but the couple does not appear. Several seconds pass and Stewart begins to look nervous. The G-man walks over to the podium.

G-man: We've just been informed that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes couldn't be here tonight because they couldn't leave their mirrors long enough to attend the event. Their award will be sent to them via UPS, along with a bill.

Stewart exits, but she curses at the conductor again before walking completely off stage.

G-man: We're down to our final award of the evening, ladies and gentlemen, and it gives me great pleasure to introduce our next presenter. This legendary television game show producer is responsible for such hits as "The Dating Game", 'The Newlywed Game" and "The Gong Show". His life story was brilliantly captured in the acclaimed film "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind", and he is loved by fans all over the world. Please put your hands together for, the man, the icon, Mr. Chuck Barris!

The audience goes wild as Barris makes his way to the podium. He receives a three-minute standing ovation.

Barris: Thank you! Thank you so much. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. It's so nice to be here to help The G-man hand out more stuff.

Barris claps his hands, points to the camera and laughs to himself.

Barris: I'm here to present the final award of the evening, which is the "Too Damn Weird for Words" award. I guess they got the right guy to hand this baby out, huh? Where the hell is the envelope? Did I leave it at "The Unknown Comic's" house? Oh!

Barris removes his top hat and pulls out the envelope.

Barris: You have to keep these things in a safe place. Okay, folks. The nominees are: the "King of Pop", Michael Jackson, the WWE's "The Boogeyman" (he actually eats worms), Ozzie Osborne, Senator John Kerry (because he looks way too much like "Lurch" from "The Addams Family") and Rosie O'Donnell (for actually thinking she could go from 'The View" to "The Price is Right".) And the final Jacky of 2007 goes to.....

The orchestra suddenly cues up the music.

Barris: Uh!!! Uh!!! Do you hear that? Yes, yes!!! That sound could only mean one thing!

The entire audience jumps to its feet and begins a wild celebration. The music gets louder and louder.

Barris: (Throwing his hands up in glee) Uh!!!! It's Gene, Gene, the Dancing Machine!!!!

The legendary dancer from The Gong Show shuffles his way onto the stage as the celebrities begin to dance in the aisles. The G-man rushes the podium and grabs Barris.

G-man: Chuck? Who won? We can't end the show like this! We have to know who won!

The celebrities rush the stage and join in the dance party. Michael Jackson grabs his crotch, spins, and kicks his leg in the air. In the process, he knocks Dick Cheney into the orchestra pit. President Bush reappears on the wide screen smiling at his award, as an angry Laura is sneaking up from behind with a bat. The paparazzi are snapping pictures of Paris Hilton and her award, which she covered in a tiny, orange prison jumpsuit. The wild celebration continues.

G-man: If you want to know who won our final category, log on to Associated Content for a listing of all tonight's winners. Thanks for watching, and we'll see you in 2008. Goodnight everybody!