The 2008 Democratic National Convention

The Democratic National Convention and Traveling Circus is now a month away! Since the American news media is on an overseas vacation at this crucial moment in history, your humble correspondent has taken it upon himself to provide the reader with a preview of what will soon be featured prominently on the evening news.

After extensive consultations with several patrons at Pal Joey's Restaurant and Sports Bar in Gallup, New Mexico, the Yahoo.com Bondage A-Go-Go chat rooms, and a Nancy Reagan Autograph Edition Ouija Board, I predict that:

1. It ain't over until the fat lady (in the pants-suit) sings

If you think that Bill and Hillary Clinton have taken defeat gracefully and plan to devote themselves to seeing someone else elected to a job that should "rightfully" be theirs, you aren't living on the same wavelength as the rest of us because the fat lady has a little sheet-music up the sleeve of her pants-suit.

Think of it like this. The convention will be divided into 3 groups: Obama-hadeen (49%), Clinton-istas (49%), and innocent bystanders (2%). Neither side can claim a majority without the support of innocent bystanders. Given the records of the Clinton and Obama camps during the Primary Campaigns, look for Obama to tell the innocent bystanders anything that they want to hear while the Clintons will use every dirty trick known to civilized man to gain control of this group.

With the likes of Terry McAuliffe on her campaign team, you can bet that Hillary isn't through just yet. Look for Hillary's campaign to try for the nomination one last time from the convention floor.

2. The tree-huggers will go insane trying to find a tree in downtown Denver

There will a few thousand very unhappy "friends of the Earth-Mother" when this crowd finds out that Denver didn't get as large as it is today by being environmentally conscious and that their dream-world expectations of finding a simple city nestled among some "Rock Mountain High" scenery fall just short of delusional.

The Enviro-cong will go ballistic over this dashing of their goals to save the world while sitting by a tree-shaded stream in Denver and promptly respond in their usual fashion: by trashing everything in sight.

3. No matter what happens, the Denver cops will be blamed for everything

It is a matter of historical tradition that, since the halcyon days of the Summer of Love better known as the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago, the police department of the host city is immediately transformed into a bunch of brown-shirted, trigger-happy thugs who immediately deny the citizens' constitutional right to riot in the streets while "redistributing the wealth of the capitalists" through shattered storefronts.

If you think that all this is just speculation, consider this item from today's USA Today:

"A judge has rejected a request for Denver to list how many police officers would be needed to staff potential routes for protest marches around the Democratic National Convention.

"Groups planning protests had sought the information as part of a lawsuit challenging a designated public demonstration zone and route for marches during the convention Aug. 25-28. They say the zone and route will not be within earshot or view of delegates attending events at the Pepsi Center and Invesco Field at Mile High."

Can you think of one reason that could be used to justify the "groups'" lawsuit other than to plan exactly where and how to challenge the cops? If you can, please let me know and I'll feature it prominently in a posting entitled "Modern-day Fairy Tales and Other Such Nonsense from the Lobotomized Left."

4. There will be power outages throughout the state as the hot air arising from the Convention's speaker's platform outpaces the air conditioning at the Convention Center.

Let's face it. There isn't an air conditioning system within 400 miles of Denver that can handle the hot air generated by 20,000 party hacks, politician-wanaabes, hangers-on, Jesse Jackson, Katie Couric, and every hooker between Cheyenne and El Paso. And who will be blamed for this?

Right! George Bush (because he knew the convention was going to happen), Dick Cheney (who was too busy counting his dividend payments from Halliburton investments), and John McCain (who was in a North Vietnamese POW cage when he should have been home changing his position on whatever issue was under discussion).

I predict that the support for nuclear-powered electricity generating plants will rise in direct proportion with the number of Democrats treated for heat exhaustion and dehydration.

5. The Emergency Medical Services of Denver will be swamped with casualties from what will become known to history as the Great Stampede to Find Someone to Blame.

Remember, you heard it here first!

By the third night of the Democratic Convention the Obama-hadeen, the Clinton-istas, and the Enviro-cong will have forgotten all this crap about "party unity," "common purpose," or "taking back the nation" from whomever had stolen it in the first place and informally adjourn to the streets to settle their differences in true American style: man to man; woman to man; woman to man; straight (but sympathetic) to gay, and lesbian to transgendered. And may the best hybrid win!