The 5 Most Disappointing Moments in a Father's Life

Ah, the good old days. Mom and dad were young and in love, taking every opportunity to show their affection for one another. That is, until a conversation similar to this could be overheard through the thin walls of their one-bedroom apartment:

"What?!? What do you mean it's broken?"

"It's got a huge hole in the tip. Listen, maybe it's not a big deal, what are the chances?"

"Woman, if you're pregnant, I'm leaving you."

4. The day you signed up for the dance team.

Despite dad's constant pressure to try out for the 8th grade baseball team, you decided to petition the school board to allow you on the dance squad. Mom fully supported you, and even enrolled you in a creative dance class at the Rec center. She also bought you your first leotard. Many years from now, you will look back upon this warm August day and struggle not to blame yourself for your father's alcoholism.

3. The first time you voted Democratic.

Your dad didn't raise you to be a flag burning, sodomizing, baby killing, Communist pothead, so how the hell did you turn out this way?
When he found out about your straight-ticket Democratic vote in the 2000 election, your dad invited you over for a BBQ dinner and a belt-lashing so epic that your ass cheeks still smell like brown rawhide leather to this day.

2. The day John Elway retired.

Dad was always a fan of the Broncos, and John Elway was like a brother to him. T0 your father, the day he came face-to-face with Elway at Denver's meet-and-greet was as close to salvation as he will ever come- short of meeting Jesus in line at the post office. Dad shed a tear the day Elway hung up his cleats, and it was the first time you'd ever seen him come close to crying. In fact, there are very few occasions when a man is permitted to cry without becoming the laughing stock of the male community. These occasions are strictly limited to the day his son hits his first homerun, the day his parents die, and when a great athlete announces his retirement.

1. The day you came out of the closet.

Although many people in your life could foresee its inevitability, poor old dad never came to terms with the fact that his son was gay. He racked his mind relentlessly, looking for someone to blame. At first he pointed the finger at MTV, and those "hooligans" of the hip-hop generation. He wrote angry letters to Carson Daly and Eminem, but when he got nothing but form letters in response, he decided that your friends must be at fault. He invited everyone over for a house party, then made homosexual advances towards each of them, hoping to flush out the "skirt-wearing-nancy" that lured his son to the dark side. When that didn't work, then he shifted his wrath towards your mother for naming you Francis Elliot instead of John Wayne. They may still sleep in the same bed, but mom and dad are no longer on speaking terms.

*Just as a side note, the author of this article is neither homophobic nor against homosexuality in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I am very much pro-civil rights, pro-freedom of choice, and especially pro-freedom of speech. So lighten up, it's humor.