The 5 Voices of Parenting

Parenting is not just what you say, but how you say it. You can convey a great deal just by your tone of voice. Listed below are four distinct voices that you can use when speaking to your children. They all have different purposes that will help you communicate the intention behind your words.

The "Even Keel" Voice. This will require no practice. This is your normal speaking voice. You use this at the breakfast table, while taking a walk, etc. Most of your communication to your children should be in this voice. You can even re-direct following minor infractions or explain a potential danger in this voice. Try to communicate at eye level (for an instruction) or with eye contact.

The "Don't Even Think About It" Voice. This is reserved for serious infractions and uses a low tone, medium volume with a slow cadence. You need to drop your normal speaking voice an octave but don't raise the volume. Messages delivered in this tone should be short and to the point with direct eye contact, such as: "Put . . that . . down . . now." Your tone, speed of speech, and firm look will communicate all you need to say. If this is new to you, you may need to practice this in a mirror or with your spouse to get the volume, speed and tone right. Don't over-use this voice or it will be ignored. Get comfortable delivering important messages with this voice. It communicates the authority that is rightfully yours. Pleading with your children using a weak voice will do nothing to help you establish your role.

The "I Am Disappointed You Made That Choice" Voice. This voice is spoken quietly and sadly. You can even hang your head a little to convey more sadness. You could use this to say, "This is so sad. Now I have to take your ball away." This voice is almost always followed with a natural consequence.

The "I Am So Happy For You" Voice. You are likely doing this already. It is a higher pitched voice, spoken with greater volume and a faster speed. You would use this voice to rejoice in a new accomplishment or to acknowledge a great effort. Be careful. Make sure that your voice closely matches your child's mood. Over do it and you may come across as insincere. Understate it and they won't feel validated.

Beware of the "Nasty Voice." This is that ugly voice you hear come out of your mouth that you wish you could take back. It can surface during times of annoyance or frustration with noncompliance and often accompanies phrases like, "How many times do I have to tell you?" Regardless of what you actually say with this voice, often what your children hear is "How stupid could you be?" If you struggle with this, ask your spouse to record you during one of these episodes. You will be able to hear what your kids hear and will quickly learn why your children do not heed this voice. We want to be models of respect and self-control. How we handle ourselves when under stress is closely observed by our children and then filed away in their minds.

Challenge yourself to pay special attention to your tone of voice today. How you sound and what you say are equally important parts of the communication you have with your children. You can often increase the effectiveness of the messages you deliver by simply altering how they are delivered.