The 7 Stages of the Red Ring of Death

Similar to Kübler-Ross's Five Stages of Grief, I went through the 7 Stages of the Red Ring of Death.

There I was, friends at my side, blasting my way through the horde of zombies on Left 4 Dead 2. We were dominating, making it to safe room after safe room. Then, my screen froze, and I found myself tumbling through, the 7 Stages of the Red Ring of Death.

Stage 1 - Confusion

"What's going on?" I asked myself. I wildly pressed buttons on my controller, but to no avail. I knew this freeze was no part of the game. No special infected has grabbed me. Why do I have no response? I did the only thing I knew to do to get something to work. I hit the power button on the Xbox.

Stage 2 - Dread

When I pressed the power again, what I saw was worse to any Xbox player than any unimaginable horror mustered by masters such as Lovecraft, King or Poe. I stared for a moment, looking into those three blinking lights. I has done it. I received the dreaded, Red Ring of Death. What will come of this? What sort of horrors will I face now? Am I still under warranty? Will I have to pay to get this fixed? Will I have to buy a new Xbox? All these questions raced through my head at once.

Stage 3 - Denial

No, surely it is a mistake. I pressed the power button once again. Unplugged the machine and let it cool down. It just got too hot. That's all. Everything will be fine. I once again turned on my machine. Only to see those three unearthly lights greet me once again.

Stage 4 - Anger

You piece of junk! Microsoft put out a shotty piece of junk product that should've never hit the shelves! Who would put out a machine with a 50% failure rate. When the accepted rate is only 5%! I hate Microsoft. I hate the Xbox. I hate Xbox Live. Now my machine doesn't work, but will I get a return on my 1 year subscription with 11 months remaining? I bet not! I hate them.

Stage 5 - Apology

I'm sorry. I really do like Xbox. I love playing games with my friends. I love carving my way through zombie infested streets for that small glimmer of virtual escape. I will make this right, I will check the warranty.

Stage 6 - Worry

Am I still under warranty? I am! Great! What if I leave something in my Xbox? Will I get it back? I won't! I better check everything. Where is the nearest UPS Store? What if there isn't one? What will I do? Okay, it's not that far away. What if I'm seen taking my Xbox in? Will someone rob me for it? No, I'm being paranoid. But what if it gets lost in shipping? What if it gets destroyed in shipping? Will they still fix it for free? What will I do without my Xbox?

Stage 7 - Acceptance

It's out of my hands now. Now I must just wait for it's return. At last! My Xbox has returned! I knew everything was going to be okay. Back to killing the infected hordes. Thank you Microsoft. Thank you.