The Abandonment of Children by Non-Custodial Parents

Dear Bob. It has been many years since you walked out of my life and the life of your son. It is hard to believe that 18 years have now gone by. Your son, Matthew, is now 20 years old. Actually, he was 20 years old this year in January when he died. I know that you would have liked him, had you stayed in his life beyond his first two years, and so I am writing to share some of his life with you.

I will start with the end. Matthew died from injuries that he received in a car accident this past January, two days after he turned twenty. His car was broadsided by a one-ton pickup truck on that fateful Sunday evening as he drove back to his apartment near the University from my home. The driver of the pickup was drunk.

Matthew was not alone when he died. I had happened upon the accident scene on my way to the drug store that evening after our dinner together. I was with him, holding him as his body grew limp and he took his final breath. He was looking directly at me as he died. I was trying to reassure him in those final moments that he was not alone and it was going to be ok and I believe that he was actually trying to reassure me of the same with his gaze. The rescue workers on the scene tried everything that they could do to save Matthew, waiting impatiently for the helicopter to arrive from the University Hospital Trauma Center, but Matthew had but moments remaining in his life. He is gone now and I miss him dearly.

When I married you, you were my high school sweet heart. I can honestly say that you were my best friend at the time that we married, but I know now that what we shared was not love. Love involves an undying commitment to each other. Love protects, always trusts, always hope and always perseveres. Love does not abandon.

I will never understand how you could walk out on Matthew when he was not yet two years old. He was such a joyful little boy. You and I had our differences and I am at peace with your decision to leave me, but I will never understand how you could turn your back on your son and leave him for all the remaining years of his life. I will also never understand how could reconcile your refusal to support your child financially.

The first winter without you was difficult. Covering expenses was a challenge. I worked full time and I paid to have Matthew in a home daycare. I couldn't face a sterile daycare setting so I paid the extra amount for a home setting. I worried a great deal about how I was going to make ends meet, and I prayed long into the night for help and direction.

When Matthew started kindergarten I cried. He was so proud as he walked into school with me that first day wearing his brand new tennis shoes with the white rubber toes and a Mickey Mouse back pack filled with new crayons, scissors, paper, pencils and a box of Kleenex. My little boy was growing up! Matthew loved school. I watched as he developed the first of many close friendships that he would have through his life. Several of his kindergarten friends remained with him in the schools for years to come and they were there at his funeral in January.

When Matthew entered first grade I made a concerted effort to track you down. I found myself finally financially able to hire an attorney and look for you, wanting back child support. Your parents told me that they did not know where you lived, as did your sisters. They protected your whereabouts well.

Matthew had a wonderful time during the coming years. He participated in youth activities at the church, cub scouts, and soccer. Matthew had a heart of gold and was a friend to all. He continued to gather friends and my house became a gathering place for young people.

Matthew excelled in the sciences and math in high school. During his sophomore year, Matthew worked with three classmates on a scientific analysis of the impacts of heavy backpacks on children's growing spines. The results were so sobering that he was invited to speak at the American Medical Association's annual conference.

During his junior year, he became a member of an exclusive team of high school students from across the state who would compete with other teams from across the world on a robotics design and construction competition sponsored by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Matthew became the team lead, spending long hours working to coordinate the efforts of the team members. I was so proud watching his team compete in Denver that spring in the U.S. competition and then they were on to the International competition in Atlanta. Matthew had found his passion in engineering.

Matthew left home after high school, moving 15 miles away to attend the University. I cried when Matthew backed out of the driveway to go and spend his first night in his own apartment. Matthew saw me sobbing and stopped the car. He jumped out and ran over to where I stood, engulfing me in a big hug.

During his final year of life, Matthew was a sophomore at the University here, majoring in Mechanical Engineering with an emphasis in Biomedical Engineering. I had no doubt that Matthew would make great contributions to the world and reach many people through his lifelong efforts.

We had a wonderful Sunday dinner that January 21st. I had prepared salmon for dinner, freshly delivered from Pikes Market in Seattle the day before just for the occasion, and we laughed over stories from the past. Matthew remembered each and every vacation and holiday that he and I had shared together.

Matthew left the house at 7:00 pm that evening. Not long after he left, I had set off for the drugstore. Traffic was backed up as I approached the store. Emergency vehicles were arriving on the scene of an accident. When I got closer, I realized with horror that the vehicle that was now crushed by a large black pickup truck was Matthew's. I stopped the car and ran the rest of the distance.

Matthew had just been taken from his car and he was being placed ever so gently on a blanket by the paramedics. Emergency responders tried to push me away but I was insistent that I was going to stay with Matthew. "He's my son," I had screamed between sobs. Paramedics desperately tried to stop the flow of blood from the injuries that were visible on his legs and head. Multiple IVs were being inserted into his arms.

Matthew looked up at me at I knelt down to touch him. His brown eyes were filled with pain and shock. I remember touching his face and grasping his left hand as I knelt by him. I told him that I loved him and that everything was going to be ok. The paramedics had given him an injection which I was told would ease his pain. He relaxed a bit but his gaze never left mine.

I never left his side. One of the paramedics touched me on the shoulder from behind. I turned and he told me that the life helicopter from the University Hospital was on its way. I was desperate. I talked to Matthew about what an incredible person he was and how very much I loved him. I tried so desperately to stop crying but I couldn't. I did not want Matthew to see me crying but I could not leave him. He continued to look up at me as if to reassure me that he knew everything would be alright.

I knew the moment at which Matthew left me. The hand that I still grasped in mine relaxed and he smiled, and then he was gone. The paramedics tried desperately to revive him but he was gone. One moment he was there and the next he was gone.

The days that followed were the most difficult days of my life. Family and friends were with me always and there was a great outpouring of love. Matthew was a most remarkable individual and he had made a difference in so many people's lives. Friends of Matthew's from college, high school and as far back as kindergarten came to pay their respects and to share stories of Matthew.

The day of the funeral was stormy. The rain began early in the morning, accompanied by thunder and lightening. The funeral at the church, however, was beautiful. Family and friends filled all of the seats in the church. Our Pastor, who had been with me during the prior days, talked of Matthew's life and the people that he had loved.

It was near the end of the service that the storm broke and the sun came shining through with long delicate rays of sun reaching from the clouds to the ground, clearly visible through the large glass windows immediately behind the sanctuary. There was no doubt in my mind at that moment that Matthew was letting us know that he was alright.

You had the opportunity to share your life with your very special son but it is now gone. I will never understand why you did what you did. I do, however, forgive you for all that you have and have not done over the years. May you find your peace. Sarah