The Academy Awards You Missed

Well, the Academy Awards were handed out on February 26th and what a night it was. Unfortunately, I didn't win the award for best screenplay category. (It has been brought to my attention that it is necessary to actually write a screenplay in order to be considered for the award.) Semantics.

Therefore, it is time, once again, to announce the winners of some of the categories that did not receive the pomp and circumstance the more major awards received.

Since we couldn't get Billy Crystal to emcee our ceremonies, I will take over the traditional hosting duties. First, my monologue:

Good evening ladies and gentlemen of the motion picture industry of whom I have enormous respect. (This is what is known in show business as "sucking up.") What a time I had getting here tonight. It's not like I'm in awe of the stars that I'll be rubbing elbows with tonight, but as it got DeNiro the time to come here, I hopped in my Mercedes McCambridge and drove down Meryl Streep. I was Tom Cruising along, when all of a sudden, I found myself in a Chevy Chase. Just when I thought I couldn't take Demi Moore, I stubbed my toe on a Chris Rock and experienced extreme Allen Payne. Believe me, it is not my intention to Jody Foster this situation, so let's get ourselves into Richard Gere, before they lock me up in a Nicholas Cage. (laughter, applause.)

Our first category is the best picture about tearing a dollar bill in half. And the winner is "50/50."

Next, is the best picture about a small 1980's foreign automobile. And the winner is "Hugo." (Oh, come on, someone was going to do it, eventually.)

And now it gives me extreme pleasure to present this year's Lifetime Achievement Award. This year it goes to a gentleman who has been in the movies for over seventy years. He's been in over 500 films, but has never starred in any of them. He's never even gotten so much as a close-up. This year's Lifetime Achievement Award goes to ninety year old, veteran stuntman, "Pops" Flanagan.

(The camera pans upward to a catwalk over the stage and I fire three blanks from a "prop" gun. "Pops" falls forward and lands on a breakaway craps table. He gets up and walks over to the podium.)

POPS: Well, I've been in the business since the 1920's. Before talkies. They coulda had talkies back then, but the directors didn't want you to hear them sissy-boy stuntmen they had back then cry like a little girl when they fell off a horse or somethin'. What a bunch of panty-wastes. Heck, I've been falling off buildings, set on fire, and punched in the face more times than you can shake a stick at. You know all them falls Peter Sellers did in them Pink Panther movies? That was me. You know all that garbage Burt Reynolds used to hand out about him doin' his own stunts? Poppycock! That was me. The only stunts Reynolds ever did was fall in bed with beautiful women. You think he'd ever ask me to do any of those stunts for him? The wuss. Well, thanks for the award, even though I deserve more. (Applause as "Pops" exits.)

Thanks, Pops, nice attitude. And, finally, our last award for the evening. The award for the best movie about people riding on a down escalator. And the winner is, "The Descendants."

Well, we succeeded in running six hours over. I guess it's time to say good night. So, until next year, remember, "We'll see you at the movies, right after you've taken out a loan to pay for the tickets." (Applause) Fade Out.