The Ads We'll See in The 2008 Presidential Race

THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!
The following includes transcripts from television advertisements to be aired in Ohio during the final month of the 2008 presidential race.

Meet the Candidates:

Democratic nominee- Barack Obama
Republican nominee- Sam Brownback

Green nominee- Ralph Nader ... again.

AD #1: BARACK OBAMA

"Hi, America, I'm Barack Obama, and I support fair health care for all citizens."

Shot of Obama performing CPR on a homeless man

"I believe that good health is a right for all Americans, not just the snobby rich people supported by my opponent, Sam Brownback."

Black-and-white shot of Sam Brownback beating up a black man while drinking wine at a country club bar.

"Let's make sure that all citizens of this fine country have access to medical care, and not just the fortunate few. Vote for me, Barack Obama."

Shot of Obama slapping hands with poor black people standing in line a soup kitchen.

Announcer: "Barack Obama. Fighting for you."

AD #2: SAM BROWNBACK

"Liberal Barack Obama has recently accused me, Sam Brownback, of being a pawn for the rich and wealthy. However, what Obama failed to mention is that he is no Robin Hood himself."

Black-and-white shot of Obama whipping a slave.

"Just because I am rich and fortunate and drink fine wine does not mean that I do not have the interests of the middle class at heart."

Shot of Brownback handing out Versace gift cards to single mothers.

"Listen to the truth, America. I, not liberal terrorist sympathizer Barack Hussein Obama, am the right man to lead this country. Vote for me, Sam Brownback."

Shot of Brownback leading a children's marching-band parade.

Announcer: "Sam Brownback. Leading the charge for a better America."

AD #3: OBAMA

"Ultra-conservative Sam Brownback is NOT the right man to lead this nation. Voting for Brownback could be a diplomatic kiss of death."

Black-and-white shot of Brownback ordering simultaneous nuclear strikes on China, Iran, and North Korea.

"Sam Brownback has voted to increase military spending 5,987 times in his career, at the expense of this nation's crumbling public educational system."

Shot of kindergarten students wearing nothing but pillowcases and holding out empty soup bowls, a la Oliver Twist.

"I, Barack Obama, on the other hand, will not give money to the neocon war machine at the expense of our childrens' futures. I am fighting for this nation's youths' right to a good life."

Shot of Obama leading a children's marching-band parade. It looks like the same band used in the Sam Brownback commercial.

Announcer: "Barack Obama. Because kids are better than bombs."

AD #4: BROWNBACK

"In a recent false advertisement, my Al Qaeda-financed opponent, Barack Obama, accused me of trying to start the Apocalypse. But what he failed to mention is his own questionable political interests."

"Barack Hussein Ayattolah Khomeini Obama is a cancer that must be radiated and removed from America's otherwise splendid political system. That's why I, Sam Brownback, am running for president."

Shot of Brownback removing a brain tumor from a smiling cancer patient with his bare hands.

"Help me rid this country of evil, perverted bastards like my opponent. Let America reclaim its rightful place among the world's elite nations. Vote for me, Sam Brownback."

Shot of Brownback in a judge's gown, pounding a gavel , as Kim Jong Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Hu Jintao stand by in handcuffs, frowning.

Announcer: "Sam Brownback. Because the other guy blows. Literally."

AD #5: OBAMA

Obama walking through a flowery meadow with a golden retriever.

"Unlike my vicious, lying opponent, Sam Brownback, I, Barack Obama, want to stop all this negative campaigning and start talking about the issues. Issues like gun control. Brownback , being an irresponsible deviant, opposes the restriction of firearm ownership."

Shot of Brownback handing out AK-47s to street gangs. Another shot of Brownback firing an M-16 into a crowd of kids at a playground, laughing maniacally.

"Unlike Brownback and Republicans in general, I am against the cold-blooded slaughter of prepubescent children. That's why on November 2, you should vote for me."

Shot of Obama pulling a child out of a grave, dusting him off and handing him a candy bar.

"Furthermore, if I am elected president, I am going to do something about all these Indian casinos popping up all over the country, blemishing the complexion of this wonderful land. I am going to put a stop to rampant unregulated gambling activity."

Announcer: "Barack Obama. Because you don't want your kids to die. Do you?"

AD #6: BROWNBACK

Brownback sauntering down a quiet city street.

"Barack Hussein Ayatolla Khomeini Ahmadinejad Stalin Hitler Obama has been vilifying me in his latest ads, and is continuing to perpetuate negative campaigning. He also has his facts hopelessly confused. Being an honest, God-fearing man from the great state of Kansas, I oppose the proliferation of firearms to stupid black ghetto rats- I mean, gangs. Gangs are bad."

Shot of Brownback handcuffing several black men wearing gang-related insignia. They look like the same black actors used in the first Obama ad.

"Furthermore, Obama claims to be supportive of child safety. Then how do you explain this?"

Black and white shot of Obama pouring arsenic into childrens' school milk cartons.

"And Obama isn't exactly opposed to Indian gaming casinos, either. He has a long history of friendship with the pagan red-skinned bastards that still continue to infect America with their virulent filth, may God damn them to the deepest depths of Hell with the Muslims and the gays."

Shot of Obama performing cunnilingus on Pochahontas.

"That's why you should vote for me, Sam Brownback."

Announcer: "Sam Brownback." (pause.) "You got any better ideas?"

AD #7: RALPH NADER

"Hi, America, I'm Ralph Nader. You probably haven't seen any advertisements for me so far in this campaign. That's because my opponents, Barack Obama and Sam Brownback, have conspired against me."

Shot of Obama and Brownback burning a cross on Nader's lawn while holding his family at gunpoint.

"Unlike these two twisted freaks, I do not burn crosses, shoot minorities for fun, or give sexual favors to terrorists. I am also an ardent supporter of the environment, unlike either of them."

Shot of Obama setting a rainforest on fire while Brownback shoots a toucan sitting in the trees.

"Don't let America be run by these two pawns of the two-party political machine. Vote for me, Ralph Nader."

Announcer: "Ralph Nader." (pause.) "Because he'll legalize drugs, and after this campaign, Lord knows I'm going to need some."

NOVEMBER 3 MORNING NEWS REPORT

NEWS ANCHOR: "Well, America, the results are in. NOBODY won this election, as every single eligible voter either stayed away from the polls or voted for the golden retriever in the Barack Obama ad. By default, George W. Bush's presidency is extended to a third term. Personally, I think the whole nation is going to hell, and I'm moving to Lebanon. JetBlue is offering a big discount. Come on, who's with me?"
Fade to black.