The Aftermath of Domestic Assault
What Every Woman Should Know About the Legal, Mental, Emotional, and Social Side Effects
I am grateful for the way it did end, because it is the only way I would have ever completely left him.
I know there are women everywhere who go through this stage, knowing you should end it with someone, knowing you should get legal protection, but not knowing if you are strong enough to do it alone, if you can follow through with the charges, if that's really what you want. And I'm not out to convince every woman to call the cops on every man that lays a hand on her... But I hope by sharing my experience you can decide for yourself what's right for you.
First of all, if he has a history of being violent, whether it's towards you or other people, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. My ex never showed signs of physical abuse towards me, but had gotten in trouble multiple times for violence, his temper, and once even for simple assault on a female, but I chose to believe HIS story of defense. Second of all, if he hits you, IT WILL NEVER STOP. IT WILL GET WORSE. Even though I broke things off with him and pressed charges, his true character came out even more afterwards, and showed me how much I would have been dealing with in a very short time.
Here are the things you should know.
First of all, the state has a legal obligation to press charges on anyone accused of domestic assault, even if there were no officers present, so it isn't YOU pressing charges against that person, it's the state. You don't have to testify in court, you don't have to hire a lawyer, you don't have to do anything. You have to show up in court the day of the trail as a witness, however, or you will be charge with filing a false report, which is a felony. So stick the course!!!
When the person is arrested for domestic assault, they go to jail for 12 hours, and you will be notified of their release so you know when they are free. You are given a copy of their Code of Release (COR) which protects you from being contacted at ALL until the trail. The accused can not even tell friends to tell you anything, or they go to jail again, for violating the COR.
This is SO helpful, as my ex DID violate the COR, went to jail for a week, and I felt so protected and taken care of. Never once did I feel like I was having to do anything on my own. The cops and the domestic assault unit will do whatever it takes to take care of you and prosecute that person. My case ended in a conviction of domestic assault that can never be wiped from his record, a year of supervised probation, and 24 counseling sessions, in case you were wondering. I'm happy with that outcome, but the sentence can be much more serious, or much less. It all depends on case-by-case situations.
Side Note: If you are NOT abused, and just want to get revenge on someone, DO NOT press charges for domestic assault!!! It is BECAUSE of false reports that many battered women get second guessed and have a HARD time getting protection. DON'T do it for yourself... Protect other women!
Now, after the court date you are given the opportunity to file for an Order of Protection. This IS you against the accused, so you WILL have to testify. If you are found to need financial help, Legal Aid will give you a lawyer. When you go to court, the judge will ask you why you feel you need this Order of Protection, and you just tell the judge your story. In most cases an Order of Protection is granted. However, if the judge does not feel a full Order of Protection should be granted, you can still be given an Ex Parte Order, which is temporary, but can last as long as a year, which is the maximum amount of time an Order of Protection lasts also (after a year, you can go back and have it extended if need be). These both protect you in the entire United States. A full O of P can have serious jail time if violated, whereas the Ex Parte is 10 days for every violation.
You do not choose to be hurt, you do not choose to be abused, you do not choose that person's actions. You can only choose to stand up for yourself.
You might have to deal with comments like "I can't believe you called the cops" and these statements can wreck your self confidence. However, months down the road, you will be GLAD you stuck to your guns. If you do NOT press charges, you will NOT get out, you WON'T have the back up legally and physically, he will CONTINUE to get away with beating YOU or OTHER women.
For future reference... DO BACKGROUND CHECKS!!!! If I would have known his criminal history early on, I would have never dated him. He had multiple counts of simple assault, battery on an officer, and had been dishonorably discharged from the Navy for Conspiracy to Rape!!! I knew NONE of this until the DAY OF COURT.
Ladies, PLEASE, just watch for signs. If your man has a history of temper/abuse problems, YOU WILL NOT CHANGE HIM. Men can change, but only for themselves. Being with a woman will never change any man, just as men can't change us! Please have respect for yourselves, your children, your friends, mothers, and sisters. If you are in an abusive relationship, even if he only hits you once, do not hesitate to stick up for yourself legally!!! It might be hard during the process, but you will NEVER have the peace of mind that I have unless you follow through.
Published by JessTheMess
Born and raised in small town Tennessee, moved constantly after graduation, held every job you can imagine as well as promotions for night clubs and musical artists, in school for communication and general b... View profile
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6 Comments
Post a CommentHello Jess. For people who want to be advocates, I can think of two items among many. One is that prosecutor's offices need to have advocates (females of course) with whom victims can speak, who will sit with victims in the courtroom, etc. The one here in Saginaw (Mich.) is fantastic. Also, advocates here about 25 years ago pushed for a "mandatory arrest" policy. If the woman has bruises, etc., police must arrest. I will admit, every rare now and then a skeez might punch herself in the face for the revenge that's been talked about, but by and large it's worked well. As a newspaper reporter, the scanner always would be playing, and it seems like two thirds of the calls are domestic violence.
The up side of this is I've grown cocky with knowing that if a man WERE to put his hands on me, I have an incredible amount of male family members, friends, and associates, so no intelligent guy would do such a thing. However, I've run into so many men who do not have supportive men on their sides that would protect them should such a thing occur. I think that's when men really get too gassed up about what they can and can't do; when they see that the woman does not have someone around who will protect them AGAINST that boyfriend or husband. Jess, was that the case for you?
...their hands to themselves. Once people start hitting each other, the relationship is threw. That ex I had got mad at me because I wouldn't let him borrow my CD walkman and he poured a drop of beer on me that he was drinking. I flew to the door, opened it, kicked him out, and slammed the door hard enough to vibrate the stuff on other peoples' doors. He figured out immediately that I don't play the disrespectful stuff. I'm not recommending that anybody else handles situations the way I do, but I make that physical abuse situation clear from day one. Before I even get good into dating a guy, I ask him has he ever hit a woman. I've actually heard yes and no. Either way it goes, whether friend or boyfriend, I'll tell a man in a minute don't ever put his hands on me.
Men that abuse women usually say that she attacked him and they were acting in self-defense. Men that have been accused of rape also claim she is lying to get revenge. There are cases where that could be true, but if you meet a guy who claims that was the case, I would err on the side of believing him a liar. Women tend to trust men, until the moment she is the one being attached by Mr. Innocent. Abusive men tend to be charmistic, so it is hard to recognize the signs that he may become a phyicsl abuser. Good advice to report him to try to help save other females somewhere down the line.
...really do need this kind of help and are too scared to leave because of skepticism from people like me. It's sad to say, coming from a woman, but I know more women who've cried wolf than I do who have really been hit.
I'm glad you put this side note on page 1 because that was exactly what I was thinking the entire time. I know two women very well who accused their men of domestic violence and the guys were innocent. One woman jumped on her husband and tried to choke him because he said something smart to her and when he flipped her over and held her hands, then she jumped on the phone with his mother and said he jumped her. She did not tell the full story. He ended up at his parent's house for three days and his sons cried hard because their father had scratches all over his face. Another woman I know accused her man of hitting her because she was furious that he cheated on her and gave her a curable STD. When I asked her why, she said "I didn't appreciate him giving me that." But this man went to jail, got jumped, and they were back together before the week was out. Whenever a woman tells me she lied about being assaulted, I don't have anything else to say to her because too many women reall