The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas Descends on Branson, Missouri

Almost every family, corporation, business, and charity has one: a closet Santa. There may be an uncle who dons the red suit every year and brings presents to the kids, or the guy in accounting that shows up at the Christmas party every year. I know of one Board Chairman and his wife who dress up as Mr. And Mrs. Claus every year and hand out $100.00 bills to all of the employees. The only catch is that you have to sit on his lap and get a picture taken, but that's a small price to pay. The Human Resources Manager for a food company that I used to work for was exposed playing Santa for a rival company one year. Good thing somebody had the audacity to pull on his beard. Then, of course, there are the countless numbers of Santas sitting on the throne in thousands of shopping malls all across the country every year. There was even a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton made a few years ago about a particularly bad Santa, but at least everything worked out for the best in the end.

There are over 26 versions of Santa Claus in different countries all over the world and probably hundreds of legends about him. They are all a little different than the one we think of that was popularized in America by the Thomas Nast drawings of the 19th century. In Germanic folklore, the Father God Odin would set out on a great hunting party each year around the time of Yule. He was accompanied by the other gods and the fallen warriors residing in Valhalla. Children would place their boots, filled with carrots, straw, or sugar near the chimney for Odin's flying horse to eat. Odin then rewarded the children for their kindness by filling up their boots with gifts or candy.

The first Christian Santa Claus figure was a 4th century Turkish saint, Saint Nicholas of Myra. Legend has it that he was a very generous man who gave dowries to three daughters of impoverished pious Christians each year so they didn't have to become prostitutes. Another legend has it that Santa Claus was originally a demon that would slither down the chimney at night and slaughter bad children as they slept. He would then put them in a sack and stuff them back up the chimney for later consumption. A goodly saint then caught him and made him change his evil ways by going around and giving presents to the children instead. He grew to like it so much that he recruited some dwarves and elves to help him out every year. No wonder some Christians bash Santa Claus.

But now beware those who might denounce Santa or tell little Virginia that he doesn't exist, for Santa has formed a union and had his first convention in Branson, Missouri…. and in July, no less. The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas (AORBS), with nearly 300 real bearded Santas, descended on the Missouri Ozark vacation spot, accompanied by more than 250 Mrs. Clauses and elves. The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas has over 800 members nationwide and this was the first attempt to get a lot of them together in the same spot for a convention. If you went anywhere near the Radisson Hotel in Branson, you'd find Santas all over the place. There were Santas on cell phones, Santas boarding shuttles to see a show, and Santas wearing Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses, and cut-off jeans. There were Santas with walking canes that were decorated as candy canes. There was even a Santa riding a Segway. Not to be outdone, there was a Santa in a tricked out Cyber Sleigh; a vehicle that blares Christmas songs from its many speakers, and has smoke shooting out of its roaring fake jet engines.
The Mission Statement of the AORBS:

"The purpose of the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas is to bring together those special, "real bearded" gentlemen who carry on the history and tradition of Santa Claus; to act as a catalyst and gathering place where members can share, educate, and perpetuate the spirit of love and giving. AORBS' goal is to provide its members with the necessary resources that allow them to further define and improve their individual presentations of Santa Claus." Dues are $15 yearly.