The American People Protest the GOP's Tendency to Cite the American People

Washington, DC--The American people congregated en masse outside Capitol Hill early Friday morning to publicly decry Republican politicians incessant use of the phrase, "the American people." Among those who participated were whites, blacks, Asians, Latinos, homosexuals, transgendered peoples, young people, old people, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Satanists, atheists and a dog named Fluffy.

"I am fed up with every republican politician using the phrase 'the American people' to emphasize their bullshit talking points," said Leonna Miller, the black, atheist lesbian woman who organized the event. "Sorry to break it to them, but they don't represent me, my spouse, my friends, my parents or even my friggen dog!"

A political aficionado who lives, breaths and practically eats politics, Miss Miller was inspired to arrange the protest after hearing Speaker of the House John Boehner, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell defend their refusal to tackle corporate welfare on the basis that it would go against the wishes of "the American people."

"What a load of crap!" Leonna barked at reporters, waving her fists in the air in anger.

"Everybody I know wants--in fact, demands--that Congress reform the tax code by eliminating loopholes, cutting subsidies and increasing the corporate tax rate," Leonna continued. "So when it comes to the supposed 'American people,' I don't know who the bloody hell these GOP pigs are referring to because they sure as hell don't represent anybody that I know."

"Plus, nineteen polls conducted this year alone by various organizations such as the New York Times and NBC News all confirm that the majority of Americans support slicing corporate welfare!"

Others at the protest echoed Leonna's concerns about taxes, while also making mention of additional issues such as the republicans' stance on abortion, gay rights, environmentalism and the Dream Act, not to mention their outright hatred for foreign films, yoga, nude yoga, atheists, Muslims who wear turbans and the WNBA.

The protesters also admitted that they don't necessarily represent every American.

"Obviously, we 50,000 or so protesters can't speak for everybody in this great nation of ours," said Rachel Jackson, Leonna's unofficial spouse. "But I believe strongly in my heart that, at the very least, we are more representative of this nation than those few who follow the GOP, in that we're composed of various races, ethnicities, religions and even species, while the GOP fans tend to fit within a slightly more narrow and limited spectrum of people."

Many protesters were also concerned with what they feel is the GOP's desire to subvert democracy to achieve what they want--which, they claim, is a non-secular, Christian nation whose citizens aren't governed by laws acquired through debates of reason & logic, but rather via religious dogmatism, corporate manipulation and fear.

"This sounds a bit ridiculous, but it's almost as if they want to turn America into some sort of 'utopia' dominated by shotgun-wielding militias and virgin zombies who bow without question to their greedy, private-jet-loving corporate overlords and put religious insanity and simpleton dialogue over science and intellectualism," Leonna said, shaking her head in dismay. "That's obviously an exaggeration, but just look at all the things they're trying to do across the country: subvert women's right to obtain an abortion, subvert homosexuals' right to marry and fight for their country, subvert public workers' right to unionize and even subvert dogs' right to good, quality food!"

Speaking of dog food, the most vocal protester was no other than Leonna's own dog, Fluffy, an extremely hungry and horny chihuahua who claims that the GOP's refusal to curb Wall Street's rampant speculation has caused prices for his favorite food, Nutro Natural Choice, to rise. This in turn has caused Leonna to switch to "stinkin' Pedigree."

"I've gone from feeling energetic and full of life to suffering from constant fatigue and diarrea!" Fluffy barked, wagging his tail at lightening-fast speed. "Other dogs say that that's just life, but I blame the republicans, damnit!"

Realistically, though, the protesters are well aware that their efforts are in vain, as the GOP isn't likely to change its stance just because of a few loudmouths. Regardless, they intend to continue protesting on the basis that it is better to fight and get nowhere than to not even try fighting at all.

Moral of the story: The GOP does not represent me OR MY DOG in the slightest way!