The American War of Independence: The True Facts?

My husband Pete who happens to be British continuously banters with me about the facts surrounding the American War of Independence. During one of our nightly disputes he informed me that one of his ancestors was a historical participant at the battle of Yorktown. Now I must tell you his recent epiphany was influenced by a bottle of Glenfiddich single malt. This is an account of his story.

It was October 17, 1781 and Lieutenant General Lord Cornwallis had the continental army right where he wanted them, all around him at the battle of Yorktown. He could finally put his master plan into action and put an end this war and return the Americas back to his Majesty King George lll of England.

On this evening there was a council of war to explain to all commanders the plan of action for the coming battle and defeat of the colonials at Yorktown. During this time my great-great-great-grandfather Lyzen Fibbs-Webster ll was a trusted aid to Lieutenant General Lord Cornwallis. The meeting had been in progress for some 45-minutes when from the rear of the room a voice called out, "Eya corny . . . do you realize just 'ow much it is gunna cost ta' rebuild everyfin' wot we as busted up ova eya?" At this point I feel that I must explain that my great-great-great-grandfather was somewhat illiterate hence the rather poor English grammar having been born in a small village just outside Wolverhampton Staffordshire, now a part of West Midlands. Lyzen then went on to tell Lieutenant General Lord Cornwallis his idea for saving King George lll and England a substantial amount of money. "Wot I fink we shud do is grab arf a dozen kegs of ale, a few nice pieces of totty (women) git back on the boat and tek a nice slow cruise back home to good old blitty."

Lieutenant General Lord Cornwallis not wanting to return to England as a failure decided that the best option was to send his aids Lieutenant Colonel Dundas and Major Ross out to talk terms of surrender with the revolutionary army's officer Colonel John Laurens. Lieutenant General Lord Cornwallis insisted that Lyzen accompany them not as an aid but in the hope that Lyzen would get lost and become as big a pain to the Americans as he was to the British. Sadly this did not happen as the thought of all that beer made him stay close to both aids.

Fact: The terms were signed on the 19^th October 1781. Shortly thereafter the British set sail for England.

This is how my family helped to secure the future of the United States of America. On returning to Great Britain Lord Cornwallis was ordered to appear before King George lll to explain his actions. "WHAT ON EARTH WHERE YOU THINKING screamed the king? You lost us the Americas you fool! I should have you beheaded!" Attempting to explain his oversight Lord Cornwallis said, "Well . . . it is like this your Majesty. Had we actually won the war, the bill for rebuilding would have bankrupted the country and the men enjoyed the cruise home what with the totty and the ale. Now they are ready to fight Napoleon and kick his rear end at Trafalgar."

My husband also stated he had another distant relative who worked for old George III his name was Tellentales Webster II. He quickly stepped up next to his majesty and informed the King that all was not lost. "What we should do your Majesty is this (Telltales managed to get a formal education, hence the proper English) we have saved rather a large amount of money with our retreat home; so what we can do is secretly send one or two Brits back at a time back to the USA until we have enough Englishmen to take over from the inside and it will not cost us a single penny. They'll never be the wiser!" This is where Lyzen Fibbs-Webster's tale ends.

My husband also stated, "Have you noticed how many Brits are now living in the USA? There is one on almost every sitcom, reality shows, commercials and even a puffed-up talk show host or two. We are all over the shop!" One by one he muttered . . . one by one! Cheers!