The Art of Being a Mall Rat

What do you do with a 13-year-old during the summer? They're too old for summer camp, really. In fact, my son begged me not to send him to summer camp this year, and I complied, particularly in light of the fact that summer camp in San Francisco costs an arm and a leg (see my attached article on this subject). And he's not old enough to get a summer job.

We have already seen most of the summer box-office hit movies he is old enough to see. We have haunted all of the shopping malls, and I suspect they're all sick of us at this point. Despite this fact, my son would probably hang out at shopping malls every day, if I let him. He loves playing mall rat more than a lot of other activities, and at this point he is getting rather good at it.

You need a teenager to teach you the art of being a mall rat. This is a relatively new art, and it evolves daily, so maintaining a daily presence at one's local shopping center(s) is an absolute must. This is not an art for the timid, or for those that lack persistence.

Mall rats throw fear into the hearts of the most veteran of retailers. After all, the whole purpose of being a mall rat is to (a) spend as much time as possible in the shopping location of one's choice, while (b) spending as little money as possible.

The first technique to master, once you decide to become a mall rat, is the technique of pestering each and every cell phone kiosk retailer. It is absolutely essential that you grill these people on the selling points of each and every cell phone, Blackberry and PDA they offer. Then you must move on to their corresponding service plans, including reviewing the pricing for text messages, minutes per month provided, and damage insurance available. Eventually, after your third or fourth visit to the kiosk, either in the same day or on consecutive visits, your retailer will begin to entertain thoughts of, "is this person actually going to buy a phone? Is he or she just lonely and needs a little entertainment?" And finally, "how can I drive this person away from my kiosk before I kill him (or her)?" Haunting kiosks can really help you to stretch out your day. And let's look at it this way - when you ultimately, finally get around to purchasing a cell phone and service plan - say, when you're out of college - you will know exactly which one to buy!

Haunting that kiosk was exhausting. All mall rats need an energy boost here and there ... time for a little sucrose "pick me up." How about Mrs. See's? That Mrs. See's is such an angel. She's always there when you need her. What every mall rat knows is that Mrs. See's gives out free samples! That's right! If two of your friends buy a single piece of candy from Mrs. See's, she gives you another free of charge! So four can eat candy for the price of two! Such a bargain! Sometimes the See's ladies even patrol the front of the store, passing out candy like they're flinging largesse to the masses. Something to watch for.

On to the video game store. Time to hit those consoles and go kill some Martians. Make them bleed green blood. When the store manager asks if you are actually planning on purchasing the video game, answer as ambiguously as possible while simultaneously expressing admiration for the game.

Then it's time to move on to Brookstone, where you will spend quite a bit of time trying out each and every foot massager, and adjusting the dials on the stereo speakers to deafening levels. This produces two results - you get to hear "Fort Knox" by Goldfish at eardrum-shattering levels, and you get to see salespeople from every corner of the store come charging at you like enraged rams. Score for the mall rat!

I try not to take my son to too many shopping malls during the summer. I know each and every time I do, I am moving closer and closer to creating a future retail addict. But it's just so much fun! And it's way better than T.V.! I hate to admit it, but I'm becoming a mall rat myself!