The Art of Cheating
Why I Don't Date Married Men
The next day I saw this tenant, who peeked out the window at me cleaning the snow off my car, and yelled "thanks for the card" up to him. He apologized for waiting so long to give me the card but said he had to wait until his wife wasn't around to do so, and all I could do was shake my head. This had been the fifth time he'd given me his number, and I never called. The only married men I want to talk to via phone are my brother, my father, my grandfather (whose wife has passed), my best friend (who I knew before he got married and we made it quite clear to his wife that we were just friends), and my godfather. Other than that, as a single woman, I have no reason to be talking to a married man unless it's work-related. I can't count the number of times I've turned down numbers from men who are married or with girlfriends, and I told this tenant several times "I have no business calling a married man nor will I." He still gives me his number. Why would a man give his number to a woman that he has to sneak and give a birthday card to?
I recall a time when I gave this same guy free football tickets because the newspaper I worked for sponsored these games. I think his son is adorable and wanted him to be able to see the game. I gave him the tickets in front of his wife only for him to accept them and two minutes later, come downstairs to tell me his wife wouldn't let him keep them. She thought he and I were going to sneak off somewhere and have an affair. No thanks. I don't do married men. At the time, I was insulted, but now I finally get why married women are so protective of their husbands. But why do married women have to be so protective?
My grandfather taught me that when two people get married, they become one and act as a unit. They don't go out with their opposite sex friends without the spouse present. They don't hang out all hours of the night without their spouse present. They don't do things in front of other people that they wouldn't do without their spouse around. Because I have two close guy friends, I always thought his advice was extreme, but as I get older, I understand why it's so necessary for communication and presence. The bond of a marriage is to be friends as well as lover and optional parents. Why not make your spouse feel secure by not doing anything outside of their presence that you wouldn't do in their presence? Honestly, I wish the tenant would've given me the birthday card in front of his wife to show no harm, no foul. But why didn't he?
What I find interesting is I've sat on my side stoop and listened to him complain about the lack of sex in their relationship, how she always blew up his phone when he wasn't around, and how he took her from her previous husband, and it made sense. This is why she's so insecure. She realized that if he could take her from her previous spouse, then maybe it's that easy to cheat on her as well. Karma. But I wonder if he'd used the same money for that birthday card I got to send a "Thinking of You" or "I Love You" card to his wife, would the sex be better or would she be less likely to blow up his phone when he's not around?
Merriam Webster's dictionary definition of cheating is "to be sexually unfaithful" or "to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice." There are those who have the erroneous idea that cheating doesn't involve lying or being unfaithful physically, and if we can rely on the dictionary in every other way, why ignore old MW now?
A co-worker told me he only dates married men, and that rubbed me the wrong way. Why would he do such a thing? Why be the blockade in a relationship knowing full well if the shoe were on the other foot, you wouldn't want to be that person? There are too many single people who are looking for love, so why go for someone who has found it and apparently doesn't know what to do with it? Leave these confused soles alone and instead direct them back to the person they married or are in a relationship with. If a person feels so neglected in the relationship that he has to cheat, he need not be in the relationship at all.
Merriam Webster's dictionary definition of relationship is "a romantic or passionate attachment." Once that romantic or passionate attachment has diminished, what would make a person not want to regain it if they really love or like that person? Instead of looking for it from someone else, see if you can reconnect with the person you're with. Instead of accusing an innocent party of trying to take your partner away, why not have an honest discussion with the person who is responsible for making the relationship work? And if you can't, leave them before hearts are broken. Otherwise, your partner just may end up sneaking cards and phone numbers under an uninterested woman's door.
Published by Shamontiel
Shamontiel is the author of "Round Trip" and "Change for a Twenty," and in mid-October became the Chicago Tribune's Digital News Editor. She works on National Travel, Health and occasionally Breaking News, a... View profile
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25 Comments
Post a CommentBethany, thank you for reading. As far as I know, I've never been cheated on or at least never caught someone, but I remember going out to this club with my cousin and her boyfriend. This guy at the club asked if I was seeing anyone, and I said I was interested in this guy who was overseas (high school friend) but nothing major. He goes, "Oh well he's over there so you know that won't work." Just like that I walked off the dance floor because in my mind if this guy is already rationalizing that a relationship wouldn't work due to distance and must be messing around, he's not one to trust either. He gave me his business card. I left it on the table. He came back to ask me was I going to take it with me. I avoided him. He never got a call. Fellas, always consider what you say BEFORE you say it to a woman because she'll pay attention to early signs, too.
*smiling* Uku, I'm SO glad you caught that. I definitely never said I was perfect, and I absolutely make editing mistakes, too. What a great catch. Too bad I can't do anything about it now. Unlike Examiner, AC doesn't let you go back and re-edit content on your own. I'll send an editing request though. Thank you for reading AND for the great catch. I'm definitely not going to get mad. I appreciate stuff like that. As far as the guy in this entry, I stopped saying more than "hello" to him almost a year ago. It makes my skin crawl to see a man cheating with his wife not even a few feet away. It's a great reminder for why I'd never date him though. He got his wife by stealing her from her previous husband. Now his wife is worried he can be stolen. Karma does that to a person, but I won't be the lesson learned example.
This article is too funny. Websters definition is correct on what a relationship is in the beginning. The problem is like you said, what happens when both have to reinvent themselves to stay interested? Karma is a B*tch when you’re tangled in the web you weaved while practicing to deceive, your insecurities can come back and bite you.
Non-editors note. On page two paragraph four “Leave these confused soles alone†soles should be souls. *nervously smiling* Right now I feel like Ralph Macchio in the 1984 karate kid movie when he caught the fly with the chopsticks and Mr. Meagee couldn’t. Please go easy on me? Thanks
Very well written! This article is so true. I have been cheated on and I must admit that I'm the jealous type to an extent, but I do trust my mate and we don't need to be hanging over each other 24/7... We have our own lives and go out independently at times as well. Great article!
Thanks Rose. I heard on a judge reality show (those are like accidents that you can't look away from) recently that a woman said "What man doesn't cheat?" in answer to the question from the judge who asked her why would she stay with a man openly two-timing her. That made me so sad that she said it like "What child doesn't color?" The only thing missing was the "Duh!" part of her sarcasm. It baffled me.
Amen and Amen.....Men can be dogs and women have been known to assist. I prefer, as you do, to not be in the middle of stuff like that. No thanks.....
Great article...
Alyce, I've heard all those lines before. The problem is that (like Monique said below) if women didn't help men cheat, then men would cheat less. Whereas I'm disgusted by someone asking me to be the other woman, too many women appease men with these acts. I don't understand why they aren't insulted to be the side dish instead of the entree.
It is my experience that when a man cheats, the woman blames the other lady, rather than the husband. It is sad how many married men have asked me to help them cheat on their wife. "What she doesn't know won't hurt her" they say and I say, STDS? "She doesn't understand me" and the fav: "She won't give me none." It seems to me, very few man have the capacity to be faithful to one woman.
Kofi, while I understand that and agree with it, that's not what the article was about. And truth be told, when married women chase after other men, it's more than likely because she's lacking attention at home. For women, it's emotional. For men, it's because the wind blew, which is rather discouraging. But anyway, back to the topic at hand...
Married Women chase after other men also. Married women are very aggressive.