The ART of Getting Out of a CAR (When Wearing a Skirt)

Tabloid trash photographers apparently can make a pretty good living just by snapping photos of VIP starlets who exit their limos. Britney Spears and her raw self is the most recent VIP to come to mind, and if my memory serves me correctly, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Kim Catrall have also had very popular photo spreads (pardon the pun) that showed off the goods when they were leaving their vehicles.

It's difficult for me to ignore a lot of this imagery -- especially in Italy -- which I'm more convinced than ever is fast becoming (or perhaps already IS) the trash TV and tabloid capital of the world.

I'm not sure why getting out of a car while wearing a skirt should be so difficult. Quite often, my wife wears a skirt and she doesn't seem to have a problem getting out of the car. More importantly she wears something under her skirt, so just in case she -- I don't know -- happens to exit the car with her ankle pinned behind her head and there are 35 paparazzi present snapping photos, she won't be caught in a compromising situation.

But I don't want to get off track, because what I really want to applaud is that someone finally took five seconds and explained the proper way for a woman in a skirt toexit an automobile. An article in the 16 March edition of the Italian newspaper La Repubblica (www.larepubblica.it) spilled the beans with step-by-step instructions, which I imagine are pretty valid regardless whether you are Christina Aguilera or Queen Elizabeth:

"A woman with a short skirt gets out of a car with underwear on. She keeps her legs together and swings the legs sideways by turning herself towards the door before it is opened. A lady never opens her legs in public."

Come on now, if it was that easy, I'd have a heck of a short article. Nope, for the benefit of all those Britney Spears and Paris Hilton wanna-be's (or for those of us with daughters), allow me to break it down a little bit further.

Rule Number One: According to the La Repubblica article, a few minutes before she arrives at her final destination, a woman should prepare herself and her skirt for the all-important moment when she opens the door.

Rule Number Two: Especially if she's wearing a mini-skirt (and in Italy that seems to be just about everyone as it is the latest retro-trend) the woman should firmly grasp the lower hems of her skirt on the sides and pull down just a bit.

Rule Number Three: While the VIP-in-question is firmly pulling her skirt down, she needs to keep her legs closed at the knees. Any paparazzi will tell you that if they can get past the clenched knees they're on their way to a front page photo and a good payday. So girls, keep those knees clenched.

Rule Number Four: This is where it all comes together baby: lean forward, swing the legs around. Place the feet on the ground one at a time, use one hand to brace yourself, and step outside of the car. The other hand is still pulling down slightly on the skirt to keep those nether-regions covered.

Like I said before, this should not be so damn hard. But then, I don't wear a skirt. When I was in Scotland not too long ago I wore a kilt -- but I wasn't wearing it in a car. And besides I was wearing boxer shorts because it was bit nippy out that day.

Anyway, not every woman goes for that mini-skirt/no panties look. And even if they do they know who to get out of a limo without it looking like they're posing for Playboy. Take -- for example -- pop star CHRISTINA AGUILERA. That woman gets a lotta grief from the press - and most of it she probably deserves. But unlike certain celebs I've already mentioned, at least Christina knows how to exit a limousine wearing a short skirt.Thanks to the web site www.thestranger.com, Christina easily demonstrates rules one-four and shows the proper way to look good and keep your you-know-what covered up. Consider:

Photo One: Realize there's a Problem. In this case, Christina quickly identifies the 37 paparazzi standing outside her car door, pointing long lens cameras directly at her juicy bits.

Photo Two: Secure the Load. As you can see, Christina deftly reaches back with her left hand to secure her skirt in place as she slides gracefully across the car seat. Neglecting to do so will almost assuredly "hike" the skirt, leaving her precariously exposed to the elements. HOWEVER! Also note how she discreetly twists her right toe inwards. This is clearly a set up for...

Photo Three: The Dismount. Right toe turned in, Christina then SWIVELS HER LEFT KNEE TO THERIGHT, cutting off any possible visual route to what's between her legs. Meanwhile, her left hand steadies her exit, while her right slides her skirt back into its correct position.
Way to go Christina! Ladies and gentlemen -- we have ourselves a winner! An honorable mention goes to the always classy Sharon Stone who -- after Basic Instinct -- learned the importance of wearing panties when uncrossing her legs.

So now you now who it's done. There's no doubt that these v-shots have to be planned. Either that or half of Hollywood is walking around without any underwear. Certainly, celebrities like Paris Hilton probably couldn't make headlines any other way without pulling stunts like this. Plus, Hilton is a repeat-offender. She's exited a car with a paparazzo's camera up her skirt so many times I feel like I really know this woman.

I hope she reads this article. Or better yet - maybe she'll develop some talent and depend on that for headlines instead.