The Art of Listening: When the Heart Speaks

Have you ever had a weighty decision to make or an emotionally-taxing situation to deal with and decided to confide in someone? We all have, right? I can remember doing just that and being disappointed over the response I got. The person whom I trusted as a safe place ended up letting me down.

Many of us experience hurt when we feel that our best friend, our clergyman, or our husband doesn't offer us the support that we need. In fact, it's tempting to shut down, close down and keep all the frustration locked inside. We respond to life and to others with our walls strategically erected and try to hide our discomfort. Instead of risking another let down, we stop trusting.

Though it may seem like a solution, isolation is not healthy. "No man is an island," chides a popular quote. We are social beings. In fact, Abraham Maslow created a hierarchy of needs where "love/belonging" and "esteem" are grouped with "physiological" and "safety" needs. Despite this, many parents feel that putting a roof over their child's head, clothes on his back and food in his stomach is enough. It is true that these are survival needs but I submit to you that connection and esteem are equally critical to our soul's survival. Without an abiding sense of our own value, we subject ourselves to danger.

Valuing oneself is also key to how we perceive and respond to others in social situations. Though I longed for connection and sought abiding friendships, I lacked the vital skill of listening. Often, I would be overly focused on what I wanted to say, often interrupting, comparing what they were saying to my own experience and giving unsolicited advice. This approach made me feel powerful and needed, but it fractured potential intimate bonds.

Over the years, I've learned that people usually vent several times before they work through difficulties. For a person such as myself, this can be excruciating. You become tired of the repetition. I recall thinking, "if she (or he) would just do what I told them to do, they wouldn't still be going through this." And though you try to behave in an accepting and approachable manner, it is merely a front. Sometimes, it's the tone of voice. Other times, it's a sigh or an effort to change the subject. After a while, your disapproval or frustration can no longer be masked.

Listening is an art. Listening isn't simply hearing with one's ears and processing with one's mind, but listening comes from the heart. Key to being a good listener is respect for the human experience. Professionals call this empathy. When you empathize with someone, you join with them on a feeling level. It is not limited to having similar experiences in life but identifying what the other person is feeling. You see, I don't have to experience the death of a loved one to identify with unconsolable pain.

I recall facilitating a group to help develop this very skill. A man and woman were asked to sit facing one another. Each took turns describing what was on their minds and the other had to use verbal and nonverbal cues to reflect back to the speaker that they were listening. It was easy for the listener to give a well-timed nod and maintain eye contact; but it was challenging for the listener to actually comprehend what the speaker was saying. Many times, the listener had to be prompted to listen more deeply. To get outside of his or her own head and focus on the other person was challenging. When the one talking didn't feel listened to, you could sense the increasing irritation and frustration. But when the listener responded, "you felt betrayed" or "you just wanted to be heard," the speaker would relax and share more deeply. One could feel the trust level between the two people increase. Others in the group began to self disclose more readily.

Another key component of listening involves how you view the other person. If you view them as being deficient, then your communication will seek to fix them. If you view another as unable to help himself, you'll seek to be the rescuer or protector. If you see the person as an opportunity to stroke your own ego or work your own agenda, you'll use him or her. But most significantly to me, if you see the other person as a threat or in some other unsavory light, you'll seek to defend yourself. The way to approach another in purity is to see that person as worthwhile, a good person, competent and your equal.

When you see a person as competent, you won't rush to rescue them, solve things for them or assume a parental or authoritative position in their lives. I believe that we have to see the other as able to navigate their lives, make their own choices and live with their own consequences. A person has to be given room to be human: imperfect or subject to fail, yet you remain present in his or her life. He has to know that you still see him as valuable regardless.

Does this mean that you don't share your feelings or concerns with a friend? No, I'm not saying that. But there is a way to convey things in a way that respects the other person. Own what you feel as your own feeling instead of issuing an indictment or accusation. For example, instead of saying "girl, that guy is just using you and you're too blind to see it," you can say, "I'm concerned that the giving is one-sided. How do you feel about that?"

So far, I've only dealt with how we should listen to others. There is another side to this nevertheless. It's called emotional integrity. Emotional integrity is communicating honestly about what you are feeling. If you feel that your friend isn't supporting you in the way that you need, then it is your responsibility to tell that friend.

I remember an intense conversation I had with a love interest. I was mad at him for some reason or another and I came at him with my guns loaded. To all my rhetoric, he said, "you've already judged me without hearing my side." He then went on to tell me how this felt to him. I saw this as his way of evading the issue. But after I hung the phone up and stomped around for a day or so, I realized that in order to resolve the issue and protect the relationship, I had to become more open. I called him and told him that I wanted to talk. He was receptive. I shared that what he did bothered me. And as we both approached our conflict with openness, I realized that the incidence reminded me of a time when I felt devalued and dismissed by someone I cared for. His only fault was bumping into a wound. Thank God he didn't leave me hanging. He disclosed that he felt attacked. I began to feel the rift between us being mended and a new level of trust was created.

In closing, I have to share this word of wisdom. Sometimes kind and loving people react or say something that disappoints you. Don't throw them away. In those times, ask yourself if they matter to you and if you feel you matter to them. If the quality of your relationship supersedes this single mistake then take your guard down. Emotional integrity requires that you risk being vulnerable. Be real with them. By doing so, you give those who love you the greatest gift possible - YOU. A response as simple as "ouch" when their words or attitudes sting you or "that hurt" can open up honest and sincere dialogue. You might not agree, but you may come to an understanding that allows you both to maintain your dignity.