The Awesomeness of Baseball

I love baseball. Chances are, if you are reading this text, you like it, too. Heck, who doesn't like baseball!? It's the great American pasttime! And provided that you are, in fact, an American (or American at heart, for you Blue Jay fans) you can appreciate a great moment in baseball. And I'm talkin' about truly awesome moments in baseball history-the kind of plays and goofs that make you go, "Wow, I'm glad I skipped church service for this," or "Wow, I'm glad I missed jury duty for this," or even "Whoa, I can't feel my legs."

Naturally, such tender moments in our nation's most beloved sport deserve to be archived in the best way possible: through the art of the top ten list. Ah, yes-the top ten list, a boon and a blessing to little children the world over. Now, I know that these kinds of lists can be risky; we're still saying our prayers for the last batch of innocent victims who were brutally bludgeoned by a top ten list about role-playing games. But, I must cross the threshold of common decency and deliver you this heart-stopping, jaw dropping archival tidbit to you: the ten greatest all-time moments in the last century of this magnificent carnival of thrills and bellyaches known as baseball.

Let's get the ball rolling:

1) One of my favorite moments in New York Mets history was that incredible catch "Le Grande Orange" Rusty Staub made in the summer of '73. Pete Rose, in all his Neanderthal glory, took one final grunt from beneath his simian nostrils and let loose with real jackknife of a swing. Ron Darling thought it was over the fence for sure, but...wait! It was Staub, rushing from his third base mainstay and blazing past an incredulous Cleon Jones. Yet even with this superhuman burst of speed, it looked like Staub would not reach his quarry in time. Little did we know that he had an ace in his sleeve-or rather, his shoes! Staub shocked the fifty-something thousand in attendance and did the unthinkable when he discarded his cleats and rose a good ten feet into the air. Beneath his feet, we could see a great bellowing flame propelling him to the airborne ball. With the help of his mechanized rocket-feet, Staub caught the runaway ball-and the hearts of Mets fans all over-and managed to deny The Big Red Machine another notch in his cheatin' stat report. To this day, I still can't believe the raw awesomeness of that play. A true webgem!

2) Most of you are probably familiar with Willie Mays and "The Catch" in ancient baseball lore. However, what most fans don't recall is what really and truly occurred on the field. A handful of reporters sparked a controversy when they admitted to watching Mays clutch at the leathery ball with animalistic lust, refusing to throw it back to the pitcher. After what seemed to be a moment of frenzied contemplation, Mays lifted the ball to his mouth and consumed it in one bite. As told by one reporter Bill Ergleman, he describes the scene as "the most foul and bloodcurdling display of bestial rage I've ever seen in this sport...his maw just unhinged and he swallowed the whole thing in a single gulp. It was, quite possibly, the single most disturbing thing I've ever seen-and I've seen The Elephant Man."

Whether or not what those reporters said was true, the legend lives on-and so does this great moment in baseball history.

3) Rickey Henderson is almost universally known as the Fastest Man Alive when it comes to baserunning. But did you also know that when he was injured for a week in 1999, his pinch runner was a dog that was named Rickey Henderson? That's pretty awesome. And the dog's best moment was definitely the game against the Yankees, when Henderson (the dog) ran straight into the family jewels of Tino Martinez after a rather excitable evening at Yankee Stadium. As it turned out, prankster Jorge Posada had hidden a strip of beef jerky in Tino's pocket, causing the caustic canine to forget about his baserunning duties and focus on the tasty meat snack in the first baseman's pants.

The jerky, you perverts. I'm talking about the beef jerky.

4) Speaking of the Yankees, I bet we all remember when Roger Clemens was clocked on the head with a piece of concrete that one summer of 2000, and lost most of his long-term memory. The brain damage that ensued certainly sparked his creativity, as Clemens began to believe he was, in fact, Sherlock Holmes. He believed in his delusional fantasy so much that he even wore a deerstalker cap and a tan trenchcoat to most of his games that year, and went so far as to halt certain games and "look for clues" with a child's magnifying glass. He also had a knack for calling Joe Torre "Watson," and would frequently call his wife "Irene." But luckily for the fans, his rebirth would result in the greatest moment in Yankee history since the called shot.

In an effort to convince Roger that he was not the legendary British detective, Torre enlisted the help of longtime rival Mike Piazza to disguise himself as the famous Holmes villain, Professor Moriarty. In what would be an engineered set-up, the Yankees would switch their schedule on its back and face the Mets instead of their prior engagment to the White Sox, in the hopes that Piazza would be able to spur Clemens from this terrible funk. Upon Piazza's entrance, Clemens gasped aloud, "He is the Napoleon of crime!" and leaped into action. In what can only be described as a clash of the titans, Piazza gained the upper hand and threw Clemens to the ground, laughing with mad triumph.

Clemens, in his defeat, was finally forced to accept what he was: a curmudgeonly pitcher who possessed no sleuthing skills whatsoever. Abandoning his supposed reality of deductions and detection, Clemens finally regained his memory and has no recollection of the events that came to pass. However, we are lucky enough to recall it, and to have named it a truly great moment for baseball fans everywhere.

5) Another great goof in the timeline of the great sport was the famous "Boston Typo." In the waning days of the 2003 Red Sox season, a spectacular fire destroyed most of the Sox equipment and jersey surplus. Naturally, they needed their jerseys for the next game, so the general manager somehow conjured up a batch of not-so-official shirts for their next exhibition: an interleague match against the Rockies (who were on a twenty game losing streak.) But all was not well for the Sox; unfortunately, due to Manny Ramirez's huge ego, he had demanded that he be allotted three times as many jerseys as his teammates. What happened was that several of his fellow players were left only with RAMIREZ shirts to wear. With no other plan in motion, they agreed to play the game anyway, faux shirts and all.

What ensued as the game progressed was utter chaos. Trot Nixon, one of the "Ramirez clones," was in the midst of a double play when the manager yelled for "Ramirez" to toss home. Confused at the call, the real Mannny decided to yank the ball from Trot, which caused the ball to roll away and towards another "Ramirez," Curt Schilling. As the umpire called for "Ramirez" to be ejected from the game, Trot burst into tears and began to throw a tantrum in the dugout, stating "it wasn't fair" and that Manny was a huge jerk-face. To this day, I'm still not quite sure what happened-but I'll be damned if it wasn't entertaining!

6) Remember the time that the Yankees choked in the 2004 ALCS? Yeah, me too. That was great.

7) Hey, here's a good one: The time when Randy Johnson's World of Warcraft player was erased from the game server was a laugh and a half. As it turned out, Randy's a big fan of the fantasy computer game, and spends ample time trying to level up his dwarven warriors and conquer Azoth or Tatooine or whatever the online planet is called. Anyway, Derek Jeter thought it would be a cool trick to play on him by deleting his data and giving all his hard-earned gold over to Jason Giambi's "supersaiyin887" Orc Druid. Unfortunately, the culmination of all this good-natured ribbing would cost young Derek his life, as Randy tearfully shot his comrade in the head with a lethal Nerf dart made of especially hard foam. (The Derek Jeter you know today is actually Andy Kaufman.)

8) This one is a funny moment! I don't know if anyone remembers when the Pittsburgh Pirates were on the wrong flight to New York, and missed their game with the Mets. As it turned out, the Pirates flew all the way to Cancun before realizing that they had messed up in a really major way. As per consequence, the Mets were forced to play split-squad against themselves that day, and then went on to lose to themselves in a score of 22-5. Boy, that was a pretty stupid game; and I should know, because I was so displeased that I pegged Tom Glavine in the head with a bowl of cheese nachos. Man, was he angry!

9) We all know that Barry Bonds is a glutton for punishment-in fact, he's also a glutton for the cream and the clear, and I ain't talkin' about special number five at Taco Bell. But did you also know that his biggest critic was his own left hand? That's right folks, and if you were at the Giants game three years ago, you'd have seen this miraculous display of anatomical rebellion. As Big Barry stepped up to the plate to face Greg "Mad Duck" Maddux, his left hand inexplicably fell off his wrist and began skittering away like a frightened hermit crab. Barry fell to his knees, sobbing and pleading with his sentient hand to reattach itself back to his arm, but to no avail. He spent well over an hour chasing the damn thing, and it took the whole Giants roster to pin the hand down and sew it back to Barry's arm.
I'll be damned if that wasn't one of the more ridiculous moments in Barry's "big" career.

10) The greatest moment in major-league baseball is undisputed, I think: Michael Jordan's first at-bat for the minors. You could feel the electricity in the air, the smell of greasy hot dogs...and the roar of the crowd as he struck out with such grace-such class! Michael is a true testament to the game-certainly better than those hacks Honus Wagner and Ty Cobb will ever be. And Cobb doesn't even count, anyway; he was partially constructed out of old cabbage, which explains his short temper and his rotten attitude.

Well, I hope I've given you a new insight into the intimacy of the game that is baseball. But surely, this is not the end! For even greater moments await us, and beyond that lay the secrets of the cosmos-or, maybe a World Series championship. Either way, everyone comes out a winner.

Except for Todd Helton, though. He still believes that Mike Piazza is some kind of literary villain out to get him. What a crazy kid!