'The Bachelor' 2011 Week 5: The L Word, Ashley Versus Ashley and the Emily Group Date

"The Bachelor" 2011 week 5 aired Monday night on ABC, chronicling the latest chapter in self-proclaimed reformed man Brad Womack's second quest for love. The gaudy lights of Las Vegas provided a fitting backdrop for most recent batch of antics from the blonde dude and his eager harem of bachelorettes. Highlights included a NASCAR date, an Ashley versus Ashley showdown, and the dismissal of three more gals. Want all the sweet 'n sour details? Read on.

"The Bachelor" 2011 week 5 opened with host Chris Harrison addressing the 11 remaining hopefuls -- Emily, Chantal, Shawntel, Jackie, Alli, Britt, the two Ashleys, Marissa, Lisa and... ugh... Michelle -- inside the mansion. He told them that the week would entail three different dates, including a single one-on-one, a group, and... dum da dum!... the first dreaded 2 on 1 of the season. He went on to tell them to pack their bags because they'd be doing all of those things in super fun Las Vegas! Lots of screeching and squealing commenced. The girls were pumped to be heading for Sin City. I have no idea why.

Brad arrived at the Aria first, and was waiting out front when the bachelorettes arrived. One of them who shall remain nameless seemed surprised to see him there. Uh, duh. He showed them to their suepr duper suite, and looked forward to "fresh beginnings" with all of them. He let them know that all of them would be included in the week's dates, and then pulled the first date card from his pocket. Oh la la, delivered by the man himself! Michelle snatched it up and read the contents: Shawntel was invited to "end the night with a bang" with Brad. Shockingly, Michelle didn't complain. Wow.

Shawntel and Brad met outside for the one-on-one date on "The Bachelor" 2011 week 5. A Vegas virgin, Shawntel was excited to see what the city had to offer. Brad took her inside a mall, and revealed that her date was a shopping spree. She was shocked, and declared that it would be "the best date ever". He was clearly pumped to see Shawntel trying on clothes and enjoying herself, and liked how she's "sexy without even trying to be". She bought a huge load of stuff, and when Brad loaded her up with her shopping bags, I gawked. Yeah, the others won't be jealous.

Not. When she got back to the suite, the others were so painfully and visibly jealous. Ashley S. copped to her jealousy as did Michelle. The usually quiet Marissa scoffed at Shawntel's luck, reminding everyone watching that Brad and the lucky lady weren't a couple yet. Later, the girls dished about the upcoming second half of Brad and Shawntel's date shortly before the man himself entered. He so wisely noted that he felt tension in the room (really? Why would a bunch of ladies be jealous of someone who just got to go on a dream shopping spreee?), but focused on his date. Chantal confessed that it was hard to see them together.

Brad and Shawntel walked hand in hand to a dinner set-up on the roof. She stressed as she worried over telling him that she's a funeral director and embalmer. But it didn't take long before she bit the bullet and spilled: Brad asked, and she delivered, telling him all about embalming as she chowed down. Brad called the conversation "a little bit different than I'm used to on a first date". Understatement of the season, dude. As the pair finished up talking about Peaches the cross-eyed cat, the champagne bottle chilling nearby popped open, and Brad offered her a rose, which she accepted. He said he felt "comfortable and at ease" with Shawntel and said he "really liked" her. The date came to a close with fireworks. Shawntel was relieved that Brad was comfortable with her "passion" for funeral direction (okay, still a little odd). Meanwhile, the other gals heard and felt the fireworks boom boom booming above, and knew that their competitor was enjoying a great date with Brad.

Morning came on "The Bachelor" 2011 week 5, and along with the sun came the second date card. The girls waited with nervous anticipation as Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt and Michelle learned that they'd be going on the group date, leaving the two Ashleys to duke it out for the rose during the 2 on 1 affair. The two girls, who were close friends in the house -- Ashley S. called Ashley H. her best friend on the show, in fact -- were sad to find that they'd be going up against one another for a single bloom. Mean trick, producers. Mean trick. Nasty Michelle was delighted, claiming that it was "time for the Ashleys to part ways". Yeah, because you have no idea what it's like to have actual friends. Ugh. When will Brad see her for who she is? Snotty evil blah.

Later that evening, the group date girls arrived at the Las Vegas motor speedway and watch in delight as Brad pulls up in a stock car. Chantal dug it, saying "I think it's the best he's ever looked". Brad let the gals know that they'd be suiting up and driving cars of their own. Ever-modest Michelle was pleased because "I'm fun and hot and you should see me in a racecar." Riiiight. Britt was nervous, but said she wanted to impress Brad so she'd "suck it up". Jackie was the first to refer to Emily, whose fiance Ricky Hendrick was a NASCAR driver. And who appeared to be having trouble coping.

Brad said he was "living a dream", and finally noticed that Emily was sad and putting on "a forced smile". In his defense, he didn't know that her fiance had been a driver. The producers who set all of this up? There's no excuse for them. It was a cruel stunt, bar none. So a big booo to them for putting a sweet girl like Emily through such trauma on national TV. You suck. But anyway, back to the date.

The girls took their turns around the track until one last group of ladies remained. Brad took the chance to pull Emily, who'd yet to take a turn, aside. She shared that the Las Vegas track had ended Ricky's driving career via a crash, and that it was hard for her to be there. Brad said that he felt like a jerk for bringing her there, but she insisted that "it's good for me". As Brad helped her into the car she ruminated over how much she mised Ricky, but eventually got herself together enough to drive a stock car for the first time -- ever. To their credit, the other girls applauded as she accelerated and watched her circle the track with big smiles. She declared that the "first few laps were for Ricky and the last was for me", and that she was ready to move on and "find love again". As much as I felt like a voyeur watching her cope with very private feelings in a very public forum, it was just so touching and it made me like her even more. You go girl. There are so many people out there sending you well wishes, regardless of the outcome of this silly show.

The group date of "The Bachelor" 2011 week 5 moved into after party mode at a private pool. Brad declared that he felt "pretty lucky" to be with eight ladies. Alli was ready for some alone time with him, and was extremely jealous when he pulled Emily aside once again. She went into full-wench mode, in fact; I didn't like her at all. Lisa tried to defend Emily, and Alli fired back that it was unfair that Emily got extra attention for having "the worst story". Wow. Wow, wow, wow. But anyway. At least Chantal defended her. Emily shared that she was proud of herself for making it through the date earlier in the day, and Brad agreed, but then looked uncomfortable: He worried about filling Ricky's big shoes. Emily worried that she'd scared him off, and insisted that she was ready to move on for real. She said she wouldn't stick around if she didn't see something worthwhile in him. Then they headed back to the bunch.

Chantal was up next for some alone-time, and tearfully told Brad to send her home if she wasn't the right kind of person for him. She too was super jealous of Emily. Brad showed his dopiness (or maybe just maleness) by noting that women are emotional. Good call, dog.

Meanwhile, the ominous two on one date card arrived for the Ashleys. Super shopper Shawntel read it aloud; duh, no surprises there. And once again, the Ashleys were very disappointed to have to up against one another. How about another booo for the producers? Boooo.

Back in group date land on "The Bachelor" 2011 week 5, the gals sat around the pool talking amongst themselves about "feeling special". Enter Brad, who asked what was up and then immediately looked like he'd rather be hanging upside down by his toenails over a fire pit. Michelle jumped in to rescue him, and the two went off for some alone time. Michelle informed him that "there are a lot of immature girls here", and Brad said he didn't want to talk about the others. Michelle agreed. (Whaaa?) She told him that she had a crush on him, and he reciprocated. He said he loved kissing Michelle because she has a way of making him forget his troubles. Such a man.

Shortly thereafter, he again approached the ladies, this time carrying the coveted rose. He pulled Emily aside once again, much to the frustration of the other bachelorettes, and presented it to her while telling her "I'm falling for you". She claimed to be "in shock" over receiving the rose, and called it "a really good feeling" to be falling in love again. Aw. A few little observations, just because I have to: For one, Emily now has a huge target on her forehead. And two, I so love that he went from kissing Michelle to handing a rose to Emily. Muwahahaha!

Slam, bam, a commercial break and it was two on one date time with the Ashleys. As they walked toward him wearing dresses of a similar style and walking practically in unison, Brad admitted that the date would be "uncomfortable" but that he wanted to date them both at once because he liked them both but also had serious reservations about both. (But really? How dumb are you to pit friends against each other? Mean dork.) They watched a Cirque de Soliel routine rehearsal, and they all got changed to practice. Ashley S. seemed the more uneasy of the two, and said her biggest competition were her "inner demons". This prompted my husband -- who doesn't really watch the show, mind you -- to declare that 'oh yeah, the other one's totally gonna win'. Ashley H. wore her game face, noting that she wanted to win and that Ashley S. wasn't her best friend anyway. Ouch. Were those crocodile tears earlier or what?

Back at the hotel, Chantal and Shawntel (who I've been tempted to call the two Chantals/Shawntels but I can never come up with a good hybrid name like Bennifer or Brangelina) chit chatted while relaxing on a bed. Both gals agreed that Ashley S. should come back to the hotel; Shawntel said it would be better that way because Ashley S. was the more stable of the two girls.

On the two on one, the Ashleys learned that one of them would be joining Brad performing in the Cirque de Soleil routine that night. As the two girls practiced, they each ruminated over their feelings about the competition. Ashley H. said she wanted to continue to explore the relationship, as long as Brad agrees. Ashley S. confessed to feeling especially vulnerable, and said that she wanted to finally be the one for somebody. Hmm. Post-rehearsals, Brad led the girls to a dinner for three and stressed as he prepared to make his big decision. He looked visibly uncomfortable. Stress is not his friend. He said that he had feelings for both of them, but that one of them had to go. He turned to Ashley S. and praised he personality and the way she lights up a room. He then turned to Ashley H. and praised her for proving that he's actually a changed man. He addressed Ashley S. once again, telling her "I think you'll make an extraordinary wife, but not an extraordinary wife for me". Wow, great kiss-off. He then turned to Ashley H. and presented her with rose.

Back at the hotel, the other girls watched as a dude entered, looked at the tags on the two bags in the hall, and walked out with Ashley S.'s bag. They were shocked. There was audible gasping.

Ashley S. was crushed to be dismissed, and wondered what was wrong with her. It was really sad. I hope she finds what she's looking for. Maybe she could be the next Bachelorette. Brad called it "the most difficult decision" he'd had to make yet but that it cemented his connection with the other Ashley. Yuck. I just don't like her. She was a whiny snot last week. Brad is stupid. Anyway, they did their little performance, and Ashley H. called it the "best night of her life". Really? After your good friend was dissed and dismissed like that? Wow. Classy. With a K. Anyway, there was an odd juxtaposition between the happy daters and the crying, why-doesn't-anyone-want-to- marry-me Ashley S. The hubs -- who of course wasn't really watching -- noted that if Ashley H. and Brad wind up together, they'll feel awful when they see the playback.

"The Bachelor" 2011 week 5 resumed as Brad once again intelligently noted that the women were becoming increasingly "emotionally invested" in the process. And again, DUH. In crisis mode, Brad called his therapist. He said he felt badly about dismissing Ashley S., and Jamie told him that he had no loyalty to the girls; only to his 'find a wife' mission. Jerk. ("Therapists are such punks", noted the hubs with a disdainful shake of the head.) Get a new therapist, Brad. He annoyed me so I hummed and ignored the rest of his advice.

With the dates down and Ashley S. rejected, nothing remained but the cocktail party. The ladies stressed over what was to come. Brad arrived and noted the increase in emotional expression, and vowed to get rid of the drama. He called Chantal aside to chat about her oddly dramatic behavior on the group date. She explained that she'd been upset over the extra attention Emily had received, but asserted that a) she was over it, and b) she was falling for him. And oh la la, she used the L-word! He called her out on it and she tried to go back on it, but too late. Interesting. He asked her to stop giving him crap, but she couldn't agree to do so because she cares about him. Oooh.

Next up: Alli. He was surprised to find that the other girls thought of the NASCAR date as "The Emily Date" and realized he needed to do a better job of distributing his attentions more equally. (Duh. I'm really starting to think he's not the bright yellow crayon here.) He brought her champagne and cake and the two shared a toast. Aw, cute bonding moment. (But I still think she's mean.)

The rarely featured Marissa was up next. She handed him an envelope of notes and hoped to get a rose for doing something "out of the box". Britt was up next, but we didn't get to hear anything she said because Michelle took over with her selfish rantings. Then she took Brad into a private room, surprised everyone by closing the door, climbed into his lap and told him that he wasn't allowed to speak. Psycho alert. (Even the hubs noted that the 'crazy stalker' music played.) She blathered on for a little while (I ignored her because she's nuts), and finished by telling him that it was time for him to send some girls home. The hubs noted that we didn't get to see Brad's reaction to the interaction. I said he liked it. He said no way. Hmmmm.

With the chit chattery out of the way, "The Bachelor" 2011 week 5 came to a close with the much-anticipated rose ceremony. Brad explained that his decisions for the evening were based on whether or not he could see each woman as his future wife. And then, the presenting. The first rose went to Michelle (gah! But woot, I knew he liked the whole dominatrix thing!), with subsequent blooms going into the hot little hands of Alli (ugh), Britt (guess it was a good conversation) and Jackie. And the final rose went to Chantal, leaving Lisa and Marissa as the odd ladies out.

A tearful Lisa left quickly, insisting "it's fine" but then privately lamenting the outome. It's okay, Lisa: The hubs thinks you're very pretty. An equally tearful Marissa reflected that she'd "left everything" to find love but had failed. Aw. Good luck, ladies.

So "The Bachelor" 2011 week 5 came to a close with a somber toast between Brad Womack and the nine remaining bachelorettes. Tune in next week for more hyjinx. Will Brad finally wise up to Michelle's craziness? Will Alli found the Anti-Emily Club? Will the surviving Ashley hold it together long enough to avoid spouting random crap again? Find out. testing testing testing testing