The Bad Driver's Exam - The DMV Test that Puts the Nuts Behind the Wheel

I have been driving most of my life and recently I've been very dismayed by the driving abilities of my fellow roadsters. There's just something slightly reckless about they way they approach such things as intersections, traffic signs, highway dividers and cattle. More then once I've said to myself, "it's as if they've taken a different driver's test than me." Turns out, they have! Thanks to a highly-placed source in the DMV (who keeps referring to himself as "Deep Traffic" - I don't know why, and I don't want to encourage it) I've obtained the driver's written exam and answer key that is presently in use:

1) You approach an intersection and are going to make a left turn. There is much traffic behind you. So to signal you use:
A) Hand signals.
B) Car signal.
C) ESP.
D) Nothing.

The answer is D) nothing. Let 'em guess! That's right, what are those people behind you doing? Writing a book? There are laws in this country protecting your right to privacy and it's none of their business where you're going!

2) True or false: It is acceptable to use your car horn in place of your brakes.

And, of course, the answer is TRUE. If there's something that's in your way, it's something that can get out of your way, so lean on that honker. Why should you slow down because of someone else's carelessness?

3) Four cars approach an intersection with 4-way stop signs. Who has the right of way?
A) The car reaching the intersection first.
B) The car on the right hand side.
C) The car on the left hand side.
D) Me.

The answer is D) me. I have the right of way. I'm in a hurry! My tax dollars paid for that sign, you know! I go! So just stay out of my way!

4) When stuck in traffic, you should:
A) Constantly check your rear-view mirror for traffic behind you.
B) Beep your horn in an effort to make traffic move faster.
C) Mutter curses under your breath and fidget with the radio.
D) Crane your neck to see what the hold up is.

The answer is B) Beep your horn in an effort to make traffic move faster. And the beauty of it is it doesn't matter how far back you are from the problem, constantly beeping the horn ALWAYS makes the traffic go!

5) The proper name for thoughtless, inconsiderate, dangerous drivers is:
A) Sunday driver.
B) Reckless driver.
C) Road hog.
D) Tony.

The answer is D) Tony. You heard me, Tony. You're a jerk. Where'd you get your license anyway, out of a cereal box?

MATCHING
Match the traffic light on the left with its meaning on the right:

6) Green light. A) Stop.
7) Yellow light. B) Go.
8) Red light. C) Go.
9) Flashing Yellow. D) Go faster.
10) Police lights. E) Really go.

11) True or false: Weaving through traffic and cutting off other cars is acceptable only if you are really in a hurry.

The answer is TRUE. Nobody on the road is going anywhere nearly as important as you are. They're just holding you up!

12) The rear-view mirror is best used for:
A) Hanging fuzzy dice.
B) To see if that police car is still following you.
C) Checking hair.
D) Checking to see if your suction cup Garfield doll is still up.

And the answer is B) to see if that police car is still following you. Also it's good for reading the word "ECNALUBMA."

13) It's your turn to drive the car pool. You reach your first pick-up at 6:30 am. How many times do you beep for him?
A) Seven.
B) Until he shows up at the door.
C) Until his neighbors show up at the door.
D) Once, but it's a long continuous beep.

The correct answer is A) Seven. That's right, seven!

14) Your car alarm goes off. When do you turn it off?
A) Soon.
B) Pretty soon.
C) As soon as I'm sure the car's not really being stolen.
D) I'm not home, so it'll go on for hours.

The answer is D) I'm not home, so it'll go on for hours. I sure hope it doesn't kill the battery.

15) Double parking is illegal unless:
A) You'll just be a minute.
B) You turn on your flashers.
C) That open space down the block is just too darn far to walk.
D) You wouldn't want to do something unlawful like park in front of a fire hydrant or driveway.

The answer is all of the above. It was a trick question!

16) Traffic regulations are in effect:
A) Always.
B) Rush hours.
C) Alternate Tuesdays.
D) Often.

The answer is A) Always. Another trick question! Ha!

17) It begins raining. You should:
A) Engage wipers.
B) Turn on headlights.
C) Hydroplane like crazy.
D) Put up the convertible top.

The answer is C). How often does it rain these days? They're always whining about how low the reservoirs are, so if it rains, have some fun! Speeding, skidding, fishtailing. Go for it. Partial credit for D) if you own a convertible.

18) After a winter blizzard you can best unbury you auto by:
A) Digging it out.
B) Waiting for spring.
C) Hiring a kid to dig it out.
D) Don't bother, the Sanitation Dept. will only plow it back under.

The answer is C) Hire a kid to do it. Then, you can do what I do, and pretend you're not home when he finishes and comes for his money.

19) Parking lots are to be used to:
A) Park.
B) Short cut around red lights.
C) Hang out.
D) Bring the pedestrian/motorist experience to his rawest form.

The answer is C) hang out. The land is open. And it can't be prime real estate, otherwise they'd be building townhouses on it. So kick back and enjoy some of the few remaining wide-open spaces on Staten Island.

20) You've just turned 15 and you want to get your driver's permit, so you:
A) Contact the Dept. of Motor Vehicles and get the proper forms.
B) Sign up for your school's Drivers Ed course.
C) Find out what kind of fast, fast car your parents are buying you.

Naturally, the answer is C) find out what kind of fast, fast car your parents are buying you. Pick out a nice one, after all, it's not like you're paying for it.

This sure opened my eyes. So next time I see a car run a red light or the next time I get cut off on the freeway or the next time I find an automobile on my front lawn, I'll proudly proclaim, "there goes a legally certified driver!"