The Bailout Man

Long ago, in the village of Washingtowne there lived a man named Sam. Sam lived in a large marble structure on the edge of town and was the talk of the town, for in Washingtowne Sam would come along and pay for any mistake you made in golden colored coins which were not actually gold but Sam the Bailout Man's very own Super Special Magic Shillings! Every time the merchants of Washingtowne made bad investments, Sam the Bailout Man would come along and hand them a few Super Special Magic Shillings and everything would be okay. Every time a man got lazy and refused to pay his bills, he would simply go to Sam's Bailout Center and receive a few Magic Shillings and all would be okay. When Mayor Dubbs of Washingtowne wasted money on expensive public works projects Sam the Bailout Man simply created more Magic Shillings for him to use.

Because the Bailout Man was present to bail everybody out all the time Washingtowne prospered, and soon people got rid of all the gold they used to store and began using only Super Special Magic Shillings all the time. Some people like Dr. Ron, the town's medical doctor, began to warn about the use of the Super Special Magic Shillings and the Bailout Man, accusing him of creating fake money out of painted scrap metal and creating personal irresponsibility with his fraudulent bailouts. A few people caught on to Dr. Ron's message and began suggesting that he run to replace Mayor Dubbs, who was by now very unpopular due to a land dispute with the neighboring village of Bagdon's Row. Unfortunately, too many people were addicted to Sam the Bailout Man's bailouts and Dr. Ron was defeated. The Bailout Man continued to dole out his Super Special Magic Shillings.

One day, merchants returned from the surrounding villages and reported that people were not accepting Magic Shillings any more; they reported that the Magic Shillings were not backed by anything of value and that there was such an abundant supply of them that they were utterly worthless. The prices of goods soared. Industries began to collapse because of the economic bubble that was created by the Magic Shillings and soon the economy of Washingtowne was in disarray. The village folk gathered in the town square to decide what to do. Dr. Ron showed up and warned the villagers not to accept any more from Sam, but he was not listened to. The villagers raised their pitchforks above their heads and cried "More bailouts! More bailouts!" But this time was different, Sam did not arrive.

A mob descended on Sam's marble palace and demanded to see him, and out popped his gray head from the top window. "I'm afraid I have no money left," Sam the Bailout Man said, "it seems my Magic Shillings have lost all their value and now I cannot bail you out anymore." The village people were outraged and demanded that something be done, but nothing could be done for the citizens had used the Magic Shillings too loosely and had no more money and had not stored away gold so they had no reserve, the village government too had spent all its money and then some and also found all their Magic Shillings to be worthless. The people were now destitute and there was nothing left to do, they had become so dependent on the Bailout Man and his Magic Shillings that they could not imagine a world without him. Washingtowne, once the most prosperous village in the countryside, now began its slow decline.

Twenty-five years later Washingtowne was but a ruin. A few stragglers still remained but for the most part prosperity had moved on from that desolate place. Parents now told their children about what would happen if they were irresponsible and listened to swindler's like the Bailout Man. Washingtowne had been prosperous for over two hundred years before, but now it was just a footnote. People were wiser because they knew what they could become, but it took one village's very hard lesson to teach them. In order to make sure that they did not meet the same fate as the people of Washingtowne, people got rid of Magic Shillings and made sure they had stockpiles of gold and other metals that were actually worth something. Merchants and peasants alike were also much more responsible with their own money because they no longer wanted to have to rely on the Bailout Man. Some time later when the Bailout Man died the remaining villagers of Washingtowne buried him in their cemetary and upon his tombstone they chiseled a simple epitaph, "If only we would have learned."