The Bear Traps of Retail

Ten years. I wasted away a decade of my life. A rock and a hard place caged me in, and I was stuck, trapped in retail. The revolving door spun me around and spat me out, but then it reeled me back in. I couldn't escape. There was no place for me out there, so this was where life found me. And the horror stories of those moments are the raw memories that still stretch and scream, open wounds burned under the salt of time when I retrace where I have been.

I began in fast food. I thought I was sentenced to hell. One year in a popular food chain plummeted me down into depression. It wasn't the work. It was management. I slipped in under the favor of a so-called friend, but it wasn't working out. And they wanted me gone, but if they fired me, I could collect unemployment. They didn't want that, so they made my life hell, giving me grief every single day of my high school senior year. I took it. I lived with it until the day, where I finally quit, and living in Monroe today, I often pass by that place on my way home from work. And I remember. My scars twist and burn, and I hate them. I will always hate them for the memories that will always remain left behind.

My first retail job was in 1999. I was finally freed from fast food. My sentence was over, and I was given a fresh start. No horror stories would find me then, but my experience wasn't always pleasant. And bitter memories, horror stories of retail would find me again later on in life.

There is a famous outlet near where I live. I lost two-years of my life there. It wasn't the work. It was my coworkers. It didn't matter, if one store was clothing and the other shoes. Those stores were ruled by popularity contests, and I wasn't popular. But I needed the job. I was barely getting by, drowning in debt, and struggling to find a place out there in the real world, but I was sinking fast. And my coworkers held me under, pushing me further down into despair, turmoil, and it took a long time to find my way back. And I will never forget. I drive past that place often, and I cringe, remembering some of the worst moments of my life, moments that will never let me be. But what was said and done was said and done a long time ago, and I try not to look back.

He kept asking me out. Every time we worked together, he would ask me out, and my answer was always the same. I knew he was playing with me. He and his friends hated me, and they were always the thorn in my side. But I needed the job, and I wasn't about to quit. Then, he played his Ace, and the assistant manager bought every word, not giving me a moment to explain. In his eyes, I was the villain not victim, and my ignorance would be written out across a pink slip. All this because I said no, but he played his card once before. He tried this game on another girl, and because that fact was known, my job was saved. But he got his wish. I shortly left afterward, aiming for a more beneficial, healthier work environment.

But a year later, I returned. My hopes were trashed, and there was no place left except retail. I thought a shoe store would be better than clothing, a change of scenery. In the beginning, I did love the job, but then the popularity contest was held. And I lost. My coworkers and one assistant manager wanted me gone. They were saints to the manager when she was present, but their daggers came out once she was gone. And I was their target, cutting me up with the silent treatment, harsh words behind my back, and dangerous intentions.

It was around Christmas Eve. It was freezing outside, and my brother was working the same shift as me. We were closing at the outlet, and I was driving him home. I knew where the car was parked, but when another assistant manager walked with me into that parking lot, my car was gone, moved to the other side of the mall. How was that possible? My car keys were locked inside my locker, but they knew what kind of car I drove. They knew where I parked, and the looks on their faces when I returned to work after Christmas was proof of their guilt. They wanted me gone. They wanted me gone so badly that they broke into my car and moved it to the other side of the mall. What kind of mentality is that but a child's game, and I refused to quit. Instead, I lied and said that I went to the police and talked with an attorney. That was enough to keep them at arm's length for awhile, but the daggers slowly came out. And I was tired of playing their game, so I left, hoping to find a real job.

My last retail job began in 2008. Two of my best friends are managers of this retail chain store. They love working for this company, telling me how great it is. I needed a break. I had a long, unhealthy streak of retail and temp jobs, and I was going nowhere. And my finances were hurting badly, so I applied. But with my experience, I aimed higher than a sales associate, and I was hired as an assistant manager.

I thought that maybe this time would be different. Maybe I would finally get a break, even get a degree of respect, but I thought wrong. The first day on this job told me that. This was going to be another instant replay, but it would not play out as all those jobs before it. And I was unprepared for her.

She blamed me for not getting the assistant manager job. She had been working her way up to it, but then I walked in one day and took it away from her. What she didn't realize was that they were never going to give her that position, but she didn't see it that way. Instead, she blamed me, and if she could get rid of me, then the job would be hers. And so it began.

She waited until the rest of management was gone. Then, she would do as she pleased. She was blunt with the truth, informing me of how she felt. Then, she played the friend card, telling me how I should do the job, but she wouldn't do as I said. Instead, she made herself boss, giving orders to the other girls, and I was ignored. When I tried to gently ease in my authority, she would snap at me, and so would another girl. I couldn't win, and I began to resent the job. I didn't need this. I didn't need her, but she wasn't going anywhere. And neither was I, and I was trapped again.

Bitter words slipped from under her tongue, and harsh laughter rang in the air. I could hear their whispers, and I tried not to care. One insult nearly got her into hot water, and I was tired of the high school game. There was a reason why she didn't get the position, and she wasn't winning points this way. But she didn't care. She wanted me gone, and I was refusing to leave. And things just got worse.

She was tired of playing games. This girl was younger than me but tough as nails, and she wasn't afraid to show it. She was boss not me. Her onslaught of verbal attacks continued, and her face was shortly a few inches away from mine. And I spoke to the manager about her, and she told me to just try and talk to her. But my words fell on deaf ears. This girl only had a one-tracked mind, and one of us had to leave. And she already decided on who, but how far would she go? Would she key my car in the parking lot to reinforce her threats that I better leave? We're supposed to wait for the other, making sure that they got to their car safely after we close the store, but she didn't wait nor did some other girls. And I stood alone in the parking lot, but I was more afraid of dealing with her the next day than being left behind.

I started to take State exams. I had to leave. I hated the job now, and it was all because of her. She made it an impossible work environment, ripe with tension. All I wanted was to be left alone and do my job. Was that too much to ask for? I had no ill feelings or intentions toward her, but she had them for me since day one. I was all set to tell her that she won. Instead, to my surprise, she waved the white flag of defeat. She was leaving, but the irony was so was I. And management would have to find another assistant manager.

Ten years. I wasted ten years of my life in retail. I'll never get that time back. Those memories will never be gone. I hate looking back on my life because I see those moments. I see myself trapped, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have been torn down so many times by so many people that never knew me, and I did nothing to them. I just wanted to work. I was just trying to survive. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve their bullshit, but that was the world that they lived in and will always live in. And I'm better than that, and I finally got out. But I'll never get that time back. Instead, those ten years are just gone. They're gone, but I'm not. And I'm ready now for the real world to know me.