The Beginning of My Recovery Process from Childhood Sexual Abuse

On the inside cover of my daily devotional book, "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers, is a penned inscription which reads:
"Discipleship Walk #24
Table of Ruth
March, 1994"

The book was a gift I received on the last day of my Discipleship Walk in 1994. The story begins with my husband's Discipleship Walk in the fall of 1993. He came back home just beaming and could not stop talking about all the wonderful things that had transpired in his life. He said he had never felt so much love before in his life. The Discipleship Walk truly had a huge impact on my husband as he spent time with a group of men from our church and time alone with God.

The Discipleship Walk offered by our church is similar in nature to other retreats, such as, The Emmaus Walk. It is truly a wonderful experience for most people and my husband was no exception.

Because my husband deeply desired for me to attend the next Women's retreat, I reluctantly agreed to do so. I was never much on spending nights away from home and was very uneasy about attending a retreat.

It was during the 3 days of my own Discipleship Walk that God began to stir something in my soul. I enjoyed most of the experience, but toward the end, I was aware that something akin to an earthquake had shaken my soul from its core. During one of the most beautiful and moving moments of this weekend, I was totally stunned. Almost everyone who has gone through the experience came away feeling so loved and so wonderful. Instead, I felt numb and dead inside. Something was wrong and I knew it, but I could not put my finger on the problem.

As the weekend progressed, there were several women speakers who shared about their history of childhood sexual abuse. I wept with them and understood their pain. This Discipleship Walk experience was the beginning of my own healing process as God let me know I had issues that needed to be addressed. I did not fully understand that at that time, but looking back over that retreat weekend, I can see and understand how He began to move in my life.

I came home with a different experience than my husband had on his weekend. I came home exhausted, numb and wondering why I was not able to receive the love that had been so freely offered by so many.

It was still a few years later before I attended yet another retreat. This retreat, called "In Safe Hands", was especially for women survivors of childhood sexual abuse. As it turned out, the Discipleship Walk was just the precursor to the retreat that I really needed to attend. The abuse retreat was even more draining on me than the first retreat, but I came home with a peace inside my soul that I had not known before. God was moving and changing me from the inside out. He was healing my soul wounds.

The abuse retreat weekend was just the tip of the iceberg. I spent the next ten years dealing with my own abuse issues as God began to reveal to me the truth of my own past. It was hard, painful work but I made it through the process and am, today, fully recovered.

I have often wondered what would have become of me had I not attended that Discipleship Walk. It was truly a tool that God used to help me understand that I had work to do. Not only that, He let me know that He would be there alongside me every step of the way. As I open my daily devotional, I see the words penned inside and I am reminded of God's faithfulness.

I think if I were to attend another Emmaus Walk or Discipleship Walk today, I would come away with a different experience. I know I would be able to both receive and give the love that so many experienced before me. God deals with us all in many ways and at the appropriate time. Just don't be afraid to put yourself in His hands, for they are truly Safe Hands.

Sources:

Emmaus Walk

In Safe Hands