The Best Christmas Movie of All Time

The ideal reaction upon reading this would be: "Die Hard? That's an awesome movie, but its not.....wait a minute!!" That's right, it is a bonafide Christmas movie, complete with a bumpin' Christmas soundtrack. A brief word on the origin of this article. I was at home a few weeks ago for the Thanksgiving holiday, and I decided to pop Die Hard in the VCR (yeah, thats right, VCR). I already knew that it was a great movie, but the Christmas theme had been lost to me. As I slowly filled with the Christmas spirit, I realized the world must be told. So, let us examine exactly why this movie is the greatest Christmas film of all time.

First, I will show why this movie is unequivocally a Christmas movie. After that is settled, we will begin our discussion on why this movie is so awesome. Finally, we will put two and two together and see that this is the best Christmas movie. Die Hard boasts a great soundtrack of Christmas tunes, ranging from "Christmas in Hollis" by Run DMC, to the classic version of "Let it Snow" by Vaughn Monroe. As far as the plot is concerned, Christmas comes back again and again, lest we forget. At the beginning, we see that the story takes place around Christmas. There is a Christmas party going on. Once the terrorists take over, it can be easy to forget about the time of year. But Christmas comes right back into focus with the death of the first terrorist. His body is sent down the elevator with a Santa Hat and the inscription (in blood of course) of "Now I have a Machine Gun, Ho Ho Ho." Brilliant. Later, we see that the terrorist computer guy Cleo is constantly wearing a Santa Hat. Finally, when it comes to the final showdown, Christmas saves the day. John McClane uses Christmas themed packing tape to hold the pistol onto his back, the very same pistol whose last two bullets will kill the final two terrorists.

There is also the theme of redemption tying Christmas and this movie together. The world was redeemed when Christ was born on Christmas, and Sgt. Al Powell was redeemed by gunning down a half dead German terrorist to save the life of John McClane. Just the kind of thing that makes me go all gooey inside. Now we have seen how Christmas links this movie together, so let us examine the true glory that is Die Hard.

Why is is that of all the late 80's early 90's action movies with the same theme as Die Hard (Passenger 57, Sudden Death, Hard Target, Executive Decision, any of the interchangeable Steven Segal movies where he plays some oppressed minority fighting the evil corporation), Die Hard is always remembered the most. The possible exception to this could be Under Siege, but I think that is only because of those fine breasts that pop out of the cake in the first half hour. Die Hard's longevity is for several reasons. Great plot, great characters, great action. They are all perfect. Nothing is over the top, nothing is cliche, it all exists in a perfect balance. Still not convinced? Well, then shut down your computer and rent the damn movie.

The Plot
Unlike the path that action movies of our day have taken, this is not America vs. the middle east. No, this movie brings us back to the 80s when we didn't know Iraq existed, but we were in constant danger of being taken over by those damn dirty commies. Die Hard is not a political movie, its just two hours of the working class American shooting, punching, and blowing up our enemy at the time, filthy Eurotrash.

The plot of this movie is as intricate as a fine Swiss watch. There are no extraneous details or wasted camera shots. Examples include:

- At the beginning a man tells McClane that the way to avoid jet lag is to take off your shoes and make fists with your toes. McClane tries this just as the terrorists attack, leaving him with no shoes throughout the movie. Hans notices this upon meeting McClane, and this leads him shooting out the glass in an office, leading to McClane becoming gravely wounded, leading to his emotional talk with Al Powell, finally leading to the conclusion.

- McClane meets a lady upon arriving at the party, and several comments are made to imply that she is very pregnant. This pays off when Holly is forced to meet face to face with Hans. She does so in order to get a couch for the pregnant woman, and this leads to Hans and Holly having a few convsersations, which eventually leads to the discovery that Holly is McClane's wife, which leads the the final showdown.

These are just two examples to show how this masterful plot is as complex and beautiful as a family quilt that has been around since the days of slavery.

The movie is also funny at times. Not the lame ass comic relief that has infected today's action movies, but good old fashioned grisly humor. McClane utters many a one liner at the person he has just killed. Karl and Cleo also make a good natured bet on whether or not Hans will have to kill the CEO of Nakatomi, Mr. Takagi. Don't believe me that it's good natured? Look at the movie. Cleo only takes one bill, which means is couldn't have been more than $100. Take into account the fact that they are trying to steal hundred of millions, and it sounds pretty light hearted to me.

Another thing that impressed me about this movie was the ending. It has been the fatal flaw of many an action movie to have a sappy ending. Just when it looks to be happening, BAM BAM BAM BAM, no way. Powell and McClane meet for the first time, and there is much to be said between them. It looks like they are about get all sappy on each other, when out of nowhere the brother of the first terrorist McClane killed comes back to life, and is blown away by Powell, the very same Powell who says that he has never drawn his gun since killing a kid by mistake. Let this be a lesson: sometimes gunning down someone's enemy as they are about to be killed speaks louder than words. One final note about the plot, the interplay between blacks and whites. The scene with McClane and Argyle was to spawn any number of inter-racial crime movies (Rush Hour, I Spy, Bad Company, Simon Sez), too many other awful ones to name). This movie is not cliche about it thought. There is no putting aside their differences to work together as a team in this one. They meet, they separate, McClane kills people, Argyle calls women and listens to rap, Argyle eventually prevents the last terrorist from escaping, who incidentally is the only black terrorist. Also, the two FBI Agents, Johnson (white) and Johnson (black), no relation, is hilarious. The few parts where this is referenced is just another indication of the subtle humor of this movie.

The Characters:

John McClane - Probably the best, most human, most fully complete action hero this side of Macbeth. We know what motivates him (his wife), we know his values (he's a cop), we know how he responds to adversity (bullet riddled corpses). He is like a hero out of the old west (yippie ki-ay) transplanted into the 80's in a skyscraper. His catch phrase isn't some stupid slang, it goes back to the people he idolizes, and the people who he is based off of.

Hans Gruber - A cold, calculating villain. Everything that Bruce Payne in Passenger 57 wishes he could be. Gruber is the icy calm to McClane's fiery passion, and the scene where they meet (I call it the lukewarm water scene) is brilliant. The subtle psychological interplay between these two is like a well played chess match. Advance pawn ("What did you say your name was?), deploy knight ("Clay, Bill Clay"), check, ("Put down the gun cowboy, and give me my detonators"), and finally checkmate (Whoops! No bullets. You think I'm fucking stupid Hans?"). Absolutely scrumtrilescent.

Argyle - As mentioned before, he doesn't get in the way, merely compliments the spare scenes he is in with a young, hip view. His interplay with Bruce Willis is priceless.

Holly - Bonnie Bedelia in her one famous role. She is the perfect rational foil to Willis' McClane. She is not whiny, she gets in the way, but not in an annoying way. I'm pretty sure I'd take on a building full of terrorists to rescue her, but then again, maybe I'm just old fashioned like that.

So in conclusion, Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. I recommend a family viewing every Christmas Eve around a nice roaring fire and plenty of Evan Williams Eggnog. The principles that guide this movie can help to lead our society into a new golden age, because they are no universal. Always remember this: when the stinger missiles of tyranny destroy the Armored Personnel Carrier of freedom, sometimes a man must strap plastic explosives to the office chair of justice and hurl them down the elevator shaft of liberty. Write that down.