The Best of House's Comebacks from the Second Season of House MD

On the television show House MD, Dr. Gregory House is known for saying what he thinks without censoring it. This has led him to utter some of the wittiest comebacks on television.

The character of Gregory House is played by Hugh Laurie. Other cast regulars during season two include Dr. Eric Foreman, played by Omar Epps; Dr. Allison Cameron, played by Jennifer Morrison; Dr. Robert Chase, played by Jesse Spencer; Dr. James Wilson, played by Robert Sean Leonard; and Dr. Lisa Cuddy, played by Lisa Edelstein.

The following is a list of some of the best of House's comebacks from season two. The episode is listed in quotes after the dialogue.

Cameron: Have you even looked at the x-ray?
House: No, just guessing. It's a new game. If it's wrong, she gets a stuffed bear.
"Acceptance"

Dr. Chase: If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
House: Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth.
"Autopsy"

House: You're dying, and suddenly everybody loves you.
Wilson: You have a cane - nobody even likes you.
House: I'm not terminal - merely pathetic. You wouldn't believe the crap people let me get away with.
"Autopsy"

Dr. Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been ... nasty.
House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
"Humpty Dumpty"

Cuddy: Thank you very much. This guy's been working for me for a long time.
House: Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?
"Humpty Dumpty"

House: He's not even a real doctor; he's a human telethon.
Wilson: Is that your problem with him? You see hypocrites every day, why is this guy so special?
House: You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The problem is there are 26 letters in the alphabet and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It's cheating.
Wilson: So it's all because he's one of them useless specialists?
House: Oh, did I hurt the big time oncologist's itty bitty feelings? You're a big help to patients who actually have cancer. Other times you're just annoying.
"TB or not TB?"

Foreman: You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
House: Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.
"Daddy's Boy"

Wilson: You used me to avoid seeing your parents.
House: What do you care?
Wilson: I don't - I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.
House: You could have just asked.
Wilson: You would have lied.
House: You would have believed me, which would have kept us both happy.
"Daddy's Boy"

House: How am I supposed to practice medicine with a lawyer sitting on my shoulder?
Cuddy: Responsibly.
House: You know I can't do that!
"Spin"

Dr. Chase: You were right.
House: Now there were three wasted words.
"Spin"

Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?
House: He has great hair.
Stacy: What are you hiding?
House: I'm gay. Oh... that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers.
"The Mistake"

Cameron: Scan showed a mass in her pancreas.
Dr. Chase: Looks malignant, probably inoperable... I'd give her two months.
House: On the bright side, still means I was right.
"Deception"

Cameron: How would you describe my leadership skills?
House: Nonexistent. Otherwise excellent.
"Deception"

House: Nice move, boss. Way to cover your ass.
Foreman: I just agreed with you.
House: Not because you think I'm right. You're just taking the safe route. You're a wuss. Don't worry; your secret is safe with me. (leaves office) WIlson!! Guess what Foreman did!
"Deception"

Wilson: Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.
"Failure to Communicate"

Wilson: This isn't just going to go away.
House: No, but maybe you will.
"Need to Know"

Wilson: Some people bottle up their feelings, have them come out as physical pain. Healthy human beings express feelings such as affection by giving gifts.
House: Gifts express guilt. The more expensive the expression, the deeper the guilt. That's a $12 box so that means you haven't slept with her yet, or she wasn't that good.
"Sex Kills"

Wilson: It's not all about sex, House.
House: Really? When did that change?
"Sex Kills"

Wilson: Now why do you have a season pass to the New Yankee Workshop?
House: It's a complete moron working with power tools. How much more suspenseful can you get?
"Clueless"

Cameron: Depriving her of even the few minutes of sleep she does have, it's torture.
House: So is cutting people with knives, but you can totally get away with that if you have a doctor coat on.
"Sleeping Dogs Lie"

Hannah: I've got the plague?
House: Don't worry, it's treatable. Being a bitch, though...nothing we can do about that.

"Sleeping Dogs Lie"

Wilson: House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallways?!?
House: His leash broke.
"House vs. God"

House: There's a bullet in his head.
Cameron: He was shot?
House: No. Somebody threw it at him.
"Euphoria (Part 1)"

Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
House: Well if I'd shot a live person there's a lot more paperwork.
"Euphoria (Part 1)"

Cameron: The chance of getting infected is next to nothing.
House: I was never good at math, but next to nothing is greater than nothing.
"Euphoria (Part 1)"

Chase: Her heart's fragile after that last attack! The chances of tachycardia are...
House: You have my permission to blame Foreman in any negligence trial.
"Who's Your Daddy?"

Moriarty: I don't care about semantics.
House: You anti-semantic bastard!
"No Reason"

House M.D. is from Heel and Toe Films, Shore Z Productions and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. The show airs on FOX.