The Best of House's Comebacks from the Third Season of House MD

On the television show House M.D., Dr. Gregory House is known for saying what he thinks without censoring it. This has led him to utter some of the wittiest comebacks on television.

The character of Gregory House is played by Hugh Laurie. Other cast regulars during season one include Dr. Eric Foreman, played by Omar Epps; Dr. Allison Cameron, played by Jennifer Morrison; Dr. Robert Chase, played by Jesse Spencer; Dr. James Wilson, played by Robert Sean Leonard; Dr. Lisa Cuddy, played by Lisa Edelstein, and Michael Tritter, played by David Morse.

The following is a list of some of the best of House's comebacks from season three. The episode is listed in quotes after the dialogue.

Cameron: You're lucky he didn't die
House: I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.
"Meaning"

Wilson: The fifth level of happiness involves creation. Changing lives.
House: Sixth level is heroin. Seventh level is you going away.
"Meaning"

Chase: Well, I'm just not arrogant enough to think that of the 50 billion galaxies, 100 billion stars per galaxy, and 10 million billion planets in the universe that we're the only ones with life.
House: No. But I'm guessing we're the only ones who like shoving things through our back doors.
"Cane and Able"

Cuddy: You're in denial.
House: No I'm not! (pause) Oh, you got me.
"Cane and Able"

Cuddy:(talking about a young female patient) Your girlfriend called the clinic 15 times looking for you today!
House: A lot to discuss, china patterns ...
Cuddy: House, she is a stalker.
House: Right. Couldn't be that she finds me interesting, attractive. Has to be that she's insane.
Cuddy: She's called you 15 times! Your mother is not that interested in you.
House: Well, maybe I'd be better adjusted if she was.
"Lines in the Sand"

Cuddy: You need to apologize to this guy.
House: I'm a man of principle. I don't care how much time and money it costs you to defend me.
"Fools for Love"

Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.
"Fools for Love"

House: Told you it wouldn't work.
Foreman: It worked on the wrong patient.
House: We could spend all day arguing right or wrong. Give me the hundred bucks.
Foreman: We didn't bet.
House: We could spend all day arguing whether we bet or not. Give me the hundred bucks.
"Fools for Love"

Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.
"Fools for Love"

House: So your arm only hurts after you lay on top of it all night?
Patient: Yes.
House: Have you ever thought about.. I don't know.. not doing that?
"Que Será Será"

Gabe: You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.
House: Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here.
"Son of Coma Guy"

Cameron: What are you going to do?
House: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, and embrace my own. The usual.
"Merry Little Christmas"

Wilson: You're a coward, House. You find fault in everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself.
House: Thanks; I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now.
"Words and Deeds"

Doctor: He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.
House:(to the patient) How old are you?
Patient: Eight.
House: And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge. Darwin says let him die.
"One Day, One Room"

House:(After a patient takes his own pulse) How many beats?
Patient: 26.
House: Either you suck at math, or you're about to die in two seconds! (waits a beat) You suck at math!
"One Day, One Room"

House: You two must have met online. Either that or you've got a friend who secretly hates you.
Cuddy's Date: Uh, Don Herrick. Yeah, we connected through singleballroomdancelovers.com.
House:(to Cuddy) Why would he volunteer that information?
Cuddy's Date: Why would I hide it?
House:(to Cuddy) You didn't tell him that anything he said will be held against you?
"Insensitive"

Chase: You can't just randomly stab the temporal lobe and hope you hit the right spot.
House: I'll only take little tiny pieces.
Cameron: Until what?
House: Until I find the problem.
Cameron: Or you kill him.
House: No, I'll keep going even if I kill him.
"Half-Wit"

Cuddy: Did you just take two Vicodin?
House: No, it's an anti-depressant. I was told to take two every time you walked in the door.
"Top Secret"

Young Boy: What is extension pastoring?
House: It's when you're molested by a priest's cousin.
"Airborne"

Chase: If he's abusing her he'll never say yes.
House: Never is just "reven" spelled backwards.
"Act Your Age"

House: What would you think of me hiring a nutritionist instead of a neurologist. They sound almost the same.
Wilson: I take it you've met a hot nutritionist.
House: Don't cheapen this.
"Resignation"

House: Oh, almost forgot. I need to give a 16-year old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?
Cuddy: No problem. (House leaves. Cuddy chases after him) I was being sarcastic.
House: Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript.

Chase: He's got a partial HPRT enzyme deficiency. Means he could have Kelley-Seegmiller syndrome.
Cameron: But it's a partial deficiency. So it may not be Kelley-Seegmiller.
House: Yes, those are the two options. It is or it isn't.
"The Jerk"

House:(referring to Foreman) He wants to not be me.
Dr. Wilson: Because you're a cold-hearted bastard without any regard for anyone but yourself.
House: He's right.
"Human Error"

House M.D. is from Heel and Toe Films, Shore Z Productions and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. The show airs on FOX.