The Best Peer Pressure Antidote - Talking with Your Kids / Pre-Teen

Long gone are the days when innocence belonged to the Young. Teen Pregnancy is almost common these days, school shootings and stabbings have taken the place of schoolyard bullies. Drugs of any kind are being popped like candy. Are these Problems a new development? If we want to be completely honest the answer has to be a resounding 'NO'. To some extend these issues have been around for a long time, however they are escalating rapidly and we are more aware of them due to higher media coverage and publicity hatemongering. What has changed on the other hand is our level of awareness of our Children's emotional and social behaviors, our involvement as Parents in their lives and the family dynamics which we once had. No longer is Education on the fore front of our mind for our Children, instead we are worried that they may feel pressured to succeed. Let me ask you, from one Parent to another, are we really doing the right thing by cozying them and letting them believe that the world will hand them everything they want just to not hurt their feelings? That though is another subject. More and more we went from traditional biological two Parent Households to blended, divorced, single Parent, adoptive or foster Parents, and Grandparents as primary caregiver or same sex Homes. I am not saying that any of those can not provide the same level of love and care, but the odds are often strained. A loving and caring home in which the kids can feel safe and secure are more often a rarity then than the Norm. No matter which variation of home you are able to provide, you the parent need nonetheless be aware of one very important Fact; you are the best antidote for many of the Peer related Issues your Kids are dealing with today.

How you can target the Issue of Teen Pregnancy.
Believe me you can speak openly and frankly to your Pre-teen about Teenage Sexuality and Teen pregnancy. By the time they hit about 8 to 10 Years old, they have already heard and seen more on the public TV, from their Friends, in Magazines etc then you can ever imagine. I am not saying you should discuss diverse sexual positions with them or provide them with further explicit and overly graphic Media, but by acting as if the Subject was something to be avoided you signal to your offspring that you can not be approached with questions.
On the other hand, try not to put your Kids automatically on the defensive either. The old "wink wink" joke of having the "The Talk" still stands today. By stating the fact that you now feel it is Time to talk about the "Birds and the Bees" (I still have no clue why they call it that we are not trying to discuss interspecies relations), you more then likely will find your sons or daughter hackles up and 1 million excuses why they sadly just don't have the time that day. At best you will have a Pre-teen that will tune you out or get smart-alecky with you.
So how can you start the conversation?
A one on one relaxed atmosphere is best. Maybe you can rent a Movie that fits your Kids interest type includes subjects of teen-sexuality and teen-pregnancy. Sit back and enjoy the movie together (I suggest you screen the movie first to see if is will fit what you are trying to get across) without any discussion. As the credits start to role ask your kid what he/she thought about the Movie. Don't be discouraged if you get a short, ok or lame. Either way the conversation background has been set. The most important thing to remember here is that you are not accusing them of anything; you want to educate them and talk to them. Ask their Opinions first and really listen.

Here are a couple of questions that you may want to ask.

How do you feel about Teens having sex and having Babies?

Do you know anyone in your school that got pregnant? (Kids like adults love to gossip!) Is the boy involved? Depending on the answer; how is she or they handling the situation?

If you are paying close attention without coming across like a Nazi Investigator, you can already gage where they are standing on the issue. Most that are not sexually active, will probably not have given it much thought. Exceptions might me someone that has a close friend in that situation.

Let them know your thoughts and worries without being unpleasant or overbearing. Treat them as if they are your equals not your inferior. I know it sounds strange to most of the Adults, but kids are amazingly smart if you give them a chance. If you talk to them as if they are mature they will respond to you that way. Kids do not like disappointing someone that believes in them and has a high regard for them.
Give them the truth about what it is like to have a Baby. Don't demonize it, but don't make it sound romantic either. Just give them the straight facts. The late night feedings, the diaper changes, the long nights up walking and rocking a baby with colic, you get the picture. Give them the truth unless you choose to be the kind of Parent who is content to have someone else raise their kid, your life is largely on hold until your Kid is fully raised. Girls need to know that if they choose to spread their legs and get pregnant you will not raise their child for them. Give them your Rules on the subject without any tone of anger, but in a tone of voice that will let them know that you are not joking. Boys need to know that if they get a girl pregnant their "playtime" is likewise over. If the girl chooses to keep the baby, your son needs to get a job and pay child support, help take care of the baby and be there for the girl during and after the Childbirth. If he is man enough to make the baby, he needs to be man enough to be a real Dad. Most boys will think twice about having unprotected sex if they know what is expected of them.

You may hate it and would love to wrap them up in Bubble wrap; reality is that they will have intercourse sooner or later. Turning it into something dirty will not help them grow into a mentally healthy adult, nor will giving them the expression that being a "Butterfly" is permitted. Make sure that they KNOW and FEEL they can come to you with any Question on the subject they may have.

How I personally handle it: My Kids and I have always been open with each other. Partially due to my BDSM Lifestyle and partially because of my own abusive past I wanted to make certain that my kids were informed and understood what they needed to know. I never told them that the Stork brought them, but let them know that they were the product of physical love between the Father and me. At one point that was all they needed to know, however with time they had more questions and since I never was too embarrassed to answer and took opportunities as they presented them-selves my kids grew up with a good understanding of sexuality, what was ok and what wasn't etc. My remaining daughter (16 ½ ) is not interested in sex just yet, not saying that she doesn't have a crush on a boy here and there or doesn't think a boy is cute, but she has already found out that a cute anyone is not necessarily the right person for you. She has been brought up from a young age on to know and understand that nobody has the right to touch her intimately or pressure her into sexual activity if she doesn't feel ready or willing. She has high hopes for her future and wants to go to college. She is fully aware that to have a child now would stop her chances of achieving her goals. She knows that I won't raise her child for her should she get pregnant and adoption or apportion is personally for her not an option. She loves children too much. We have discussed her going to college and we have mutually decided to get her put on birth control one year before she starts regardless if she is sexually active or not. We (her *Daddy* / Stepfather - only Dad she accepts and I) have a few deals with her. She has to introduce any Boyfriend she has to us within 1 Week of going steady. We want to make sure we know who he is and that he knows what will happen to him if he tries to force himself on her if she says no ( her daddy has been known to show him the Table saw and mention his Member) and BDSM Equipment should he find it necessary to beat or hit her. She knows that should she find it necessary to tease a Boy and take him to a point where he can not think anymore just to drop him, act like a spoiled rotten diva and put her-self in a boys place to where he feels he wants to hit her, she will answer to me personally. My daughter and I have agreed that when the time comes when she feels she loves a Boy enough to give him the gift of her virginity, she will come to me first. I will take her to the doctor and have her put on the Pill and then she needs to wait 2 month to give the Pill time to take good affect. (Which also gives her a bit more time to get the know him better and see if he is really the one she want to give this precious gift to). I am realistic enough to know that more and likely she will not wait until she gets married.

Peer Pressure - You would do it, if you'd love me!
The correct answer to that age old statement and black mailing behavior is: "You wouldn't try to force me or make me feel guilty if you loved me!" This is something you have to be very honest with your daughter and son about. The reality is that girls tend to get emotionally involved with those they give their bodies to as where boys spread their seed and don't think twice about it.

Most of us females need to "make love" to get full satisfaction out of the act. If you are just giving your body over to get f&*$ed, you will enjoy it physically if the guy is good, but you will either end up feeling dirty later or empty once you are left in the cold bed alone.

Boys on the other hand will promise and tell you everything; you want to hear to get a "piece of tail". Once they have gotten what they are after, you are no longer either respected or of interest.

Of course in both cases there are exceptions to the rules.

Where boys are the "sex Diggers", girls are known to be the "gold diggers". Girls are largely brought up to get whatever they can from a boy. Oftentimes making sex even from a boy they claim to love a condition of "payment'. We have a word for that. You may want to explain it to them. Gifts should be given freely not coerced or under conditions.

The way it was handled at my home. My kids learned from early on that those that love you will wait for you to be ready (goes for both genders) and you will not force them either. Love should not be made conditional on gifts, if it is there is no love. You have to respect your-self before anybody else can respect you.

Peer Pressure - Everybody else does it!
No matter if it is Drugs, Alcohol, cutting, sex or jumping of a Bridge without bungee jumping gear, just because somebody else does it or they say it makes you cool doesn't mean you have to. By teaching your Kids early on that they are unique, great, wonderful People and enabling them to have confidence in themselves, you are undercutting the chance of this particular form of Peer Pressure working on them. By encouraging them to be their own Person with their own set of values, instead of blindly following a group of fool hearted classmates or friends, you have a better chance that they know when to say "NO" and that they will stick to their guns.

My experience here: Even so I am a BDSM Lifestyler; I am a natural born leader. I make my own decisions on what I allow others to do to me and what I want to do. As the submissive partner that is often a hard thing to push through since you are accused of being un-slave like. However, my kids have learned by my example that it is important to be your own person and that you have to take responsibility for your own actions, not follow someone that can possibly bring you to harm by their thoughtless behavior. I have made sure to raise strong minded individuals that question before they follow.

Peer Pressure - Everyone else has it!

Facts: Not every bodies Budget is the same and you don't have to have name brands to be cool.

Be truthful without giving your kid the guilt trip. If you can not afford to buy the entire "high priced vanity Brand Items" let them know. You may be surprised how many kids can understand it if you have raised them correctly. That however does not mean that you shouldn't try your best to get them something special once in a while.

Imps and my Deal on expensive Items: If there is something my Daughter desperately wants and I can not afford it at all (as in the current situation a Laptop), I let her know and ask her if she would accept it as the one big Solstice or Birthday Present. I am working on getting it for her this Winter Solstice. If she has several higher priced items but not outrageous, I have her pick a couple of Items and we research the Price. She knows she has to give me about 30 days to save the money up and then we have a treasure hunting date. She knows how much money she has available and we try to find the things she wanted for the best available price. More often then not she chooses to purchase similar off brand items instead. Here she is able to walk out with 4 - 6 Items instead of 2. Smart Girl!

The In-Crowd
According to my Daughter they may be popular and cute, but most sadly are missing in personality. Teach your kids that it really doesn't matter if they are in the In-crowd. It is perfectly alright to be unique and different. To have your own style and not to be a conformist. If you are your-self, confident and walk your own Path with integrity and self-respect, you won't be able to help but attract others to you. Unless of course you are a naturally rude and obnoxious person.

In our home we think individualistic: I can not tell you how often I was amazed just how much my kids could teach me. We learn from each other, discuss things openly and each have our own style. The one thing we have in common is that we walk our own Path and stand for what we believe in. The only "in crowd" that is important to us, is the being loved with-in our family crowd.

Drugs and Alcohol
Before you even think about opening your mouth and blurt out your opinion about the evils of Drugs and Alcohol, I urge you to get educated about the subject. Google it, read some books and learn about the subjects from all angles. Look at the history of drugs and alcohol. What is used for what etc.

When you are ready to sit your Kids down and have a serious conversation about this important subject, be certain to avoid generalized statements like: "Drugs kill!"

For one it starts off on a bad Note and two it is not true. Not all Drugs kill, you have to abuse them for them to kill you. A truer Statement would be: "Drugs negatively affect your Body and can alter your Mind!"
Depending on the Drug it may affect the nervous system, disable your motor functions, alter your reality or kill brain cells. On the other hand certain Drugs are used by the medical community in a controlled manner to heal, reduce weight or reduce overpowering Pain levels. Weed is used by Doctors for Cancer Patience in extreme cases, Morphine is given in hospitals to patients after surgery and ephedrine (a version of speed) is used in diet pills. The Point is, if your child is using Drugs already or is thinking about using Drugs, chances are they know all those facts and will have them ready to throw them in your face. If you want to argue with them on their level you better have some fact based proof why drugs are bad and what they can do to you.

If you are a cigarette smoker you may find it a lot more difficult to argue the use of weed with your teenager. Legalization and control being the only real difference.

If you personally enjoy a couple of drinks from time to time, you may be very careful about preaching the evils of Alcohol. Remember that kids watch you for examples of behavior. Instead you may explain the concept of healthy moderation, drinking and driving and the laws against minors drinking.

Personal Note: My kids know my dislike for Drunks and anything that is done in over abundance. I discourage the use of Drugs and my kids know they will pay high consequences if they try to do Drugs in my house and on my Watch. As a german born and raised person I have had access to red wine and Beer *yuck* since I was as young as 8. However, it was only done on special occasions and in conjunction with food. The Portions where very small (never more then 2 oz.) and always just red wine or beer. Up to this day I drink very seldom, if at all (may be once or twice a year on special occasions) and never more then small quantities. (4 oz or less). I don't drive!

The double sided Edge of Weapons!
I don't care if you love or hate Weapons, they are here to stay and have a valid place in society. One Rule you need to understand is that it isn't Weapons that kill but the People that use them.
No matter how stringent our gun laws will get, criminals will always have access to weapons. Taking Weapons away from responsible people that perhaps could have defended them-selves or saved someone else may or may not be a good idea.

If your Teen owns a Gun or Knife teach them responsibility and common sense. Be aware of their emotional and mental stability. Have them trained to handle the weapon correctly and take care of it properly. Make sure they understand that they should never ever pull any Weapon out just to wave it around, be cool or show it off. A Weapon should only be used to go hunting during the appropriate hunting season and at the designated Areas, practice at a designated Area or Shooting Hall or for self defense. That does not mean someone mouthing off or hitting you with a fist.
If the situations warrant your weapon being pulled (another Weapon being in the play) be prepared to act as soon as it is readied. Once you have pulled the Weapon you have just upgraded the stakes and it has become potentially more lethal then it was. Time for talk is more then likely over.

From my House: We collect Swords and Daggers. Those are openly displayed in various Areas of our house. Even my Daughter knows how to handle them properly and respect them for the potentially lethal weapon they are. Those Weapons are there partially for decoration, partially for magickal uses and in emergency only for self-defense.

In parting let me remind you that no matter how uncomfortable you or your Kids might be to have conversations that address this important issues, it is imperative that you do.

You need to be able to handle talks like that in a mature way, without being embarrassed or defensive. Times have changed and our Kids are growing up a lot quicker then they used to. That is physically, but not necessarily mentally. If you don't talk to them and take the time to discuss their problems, answer their questions and explain important issues to them, someone else will. Do you really want to take the chance on who that person may turn out to be? I know I won't. Teaching, preaching and nagging my kids is my job and I am proud that I am able to do so.