The Best Things You Could Say to Your Child About Divorce or Separation

If you are Internet savvy and you search "divorce rates or statistics", you will find an insurmountable amount of information on how many Americans have gotten divorced (once, twice or more), broken down neatly by race, religion, income and status. While all this information is helpful, I'm sure, I will not bore you with its contents or reference as I believe we are missing the point. The point at hand are the children, the innocent ones without control over what happens next. Here is where we as parents can and should rise to the occasion and "lead by example" when dealing with this issue.

First and foremost, a "family sit down" is what is needed most. Children, although often still young, deserve an open explanation of what is really going on with mommy and daddy. So, order pizza and have an open talk about what's about to happen and the changes that will take place for the entire family. Address the issue as delicately as possible and let your child know that it is not his/her fault, it is something you have to work out as adults. Continually reassuring a child, who will at some point think it's his/her fault, is going to provide much needed safety and emotional stability. If your child is older and begins to ask questions, answer them truthfully (What I mean by that is DO NOT LIE, be honest!). However, when questions get tough, AND THEY WILL, don't be afraid to let your child know that he/she is still to small for that part of the conversation and assure them that as they get older, (set an age to which you can commit discussing the matter further) you will discuss it again. At any time, during the sit down or after, refrain from "bad mouthing" the other party, even if you are just sure "you're right". Remember, the child LOVES YOU BOTH and should not be in competition for your love and/or affection. Let your child know just how much you love him/her and that this will not change even though mommy and daddy are no longer together. Children are extremely impressionable and, what they see (and they see so much more than what we give them credit for), they will emulate and express. Show your partner the utmost respect and courtesy when dealing with each other in front of the child (really, you should practice that even when your child is not around, it will make dealing with the legal aspects of separation or divorce much easier to handle).

Make a plan. Discuss who gets the child when and mark it on the calendar (use stickers, smiley faces, etc.), allowing your child to be excited when they get to see the other partner and help your child to hang the calender. Make the transition as easy and painless as possible (if there is such a thing) and make a home in both places for your child (i.e. if he/she will have a room with the non-custodial parent, allow him/her to decorate it). No matter what happens, please DO NOT fight over toys, clothes and tooth brushes as all those things can be replaced. Many children have suffered over partners' fights over belongings and who did what (or didn't) with them. A suggestion would be that you separate clothing before hand (mom, if you are the custodial parent, you can let some things go, they can't wear it all at once anyway). Dad (if you are the non-custodial parent) -- buy a nice and totally cool toothbrush and toothpaste (let him/her pick it -- they'll have fun), combs, etc. small and personal items really make a difference in the transition and will keep the peace in the house. If you are unable to split clothing, buy a nice overnight bag (again, a cool one like a favorite cartoon character or hero) and help pack the night before. Encourage them to bring a favorite toy or book or both and make the event a fun one. Let your child know that he/she can always call you (and they will) and talk to them on the phone before they go to bed just to tell them "good night". Make sure you and your partner make a serious attempt in keeping the lines of communication open, after all it is really not for either of you but for your child.

Unfortunately, in some cases there is just "no getting along" with your partner no matter what you do. In such a case, each of you will have to limit your dealings with each other as much as possible, especially around your child. As parents we have to remember that just because two individuals no longer desire to be with each other or even get along with each other, the child has to suffer through it. All children have a right to be happy and feel safe, emotionally as well as physically.

This feeling of safety and happiness is directly related to what they see (how you two act around each other, how you talk about each other to family members or friends) in your behavior. While it may not always be easy to deal with the "other" partner, it is the caring parent that will make the sacrifice (not to be mean, argumentative, condescending or spiteful). There is a saying: "It is better to be in peace than to be right". Being right, even when you might well be, most often comes at the price of your child's emotional state and well being. That price should be too high a price to pay for any parent.

If all else fails and you are on the receiving end of the negative behavior by a partner, it helps to remember just how happy you both were when you first found out that you were going to have a baby and the "fuzzy" feeling you both had when YOUR CHILD was born. Remember, always tell your child how much you love him/her and make time for your child, just to be there, talk, read a book to them, watch a movie, go to the park, etc. They are truly special moments remembered. Most importantly, remember to love yourself through it all as the love you have for yourself is easily shared and given to your children and, they will love you so much more for it.