The Best Wedding Advice I Ever Received: A Man's Rules to Weddings

Everyone that has ever been married, and even people that haven't been married but have been subjected to the hell that weddings really are, knows that weddings are a big pain for everyone involved. The bride, the groom, the bridesmaids, the groomsman, the families, the friends, the newly attached to one of the former and now trying to look comfortable while being ignored by the majority. The bored out their mind adolescents, and the (pick one) crying-screaming-running-whining kids. Really the only thing that makes weddings even remotely tolerable is the inclusion of free booze.

With that in mind I'll introduce rule number 1.

Free Booze! Lot's of it. And make sure it's the good stuff too. I want top shelf margaritas, not wine or draft light beer.

Expensive? Yeah,so? You can cut cost on a lot of other silly things that people will never even notice. Like flowers.

Believe me, people won't remember your flowers for one minute after the wedding, but that youtube video of Aunt Florine's naughty bits as she falls on her ass doing the Drunkin' Limbo will be remembered forever. Flowers? Find something decent and stick it on the table. Done.

Rule number 2.

Weddings are supposed to be celebrations, not military operations.

Relax already and have fun. Keep things simple and there will be less to go wrong. Plus, the simpler you keep your wedding, the more money in the budget for booze. So, get rid of all the extraneous bulls*** like five hundred bridesmaids and groomsman. Nobody really wants to be in your wedding anyway so grab two people and get on with it.

Rule number 3.

Avoid wedding mills. Kinda like puppy mills only worse. If you want people to enjoy and remember your wedding, stay as far away from any place that has anything like West, Bleu, Corners, Winds etc. in it's name. These places just suck.

Rule number 4.

Have your wedding as close to the majority of your guests as possible. Be it mountain-river-lake-beach-city-rest stop-whatever you have in mind. Just don't make your guest drive/fly/bike/hitch-hike halfway across the country or countries to go to your wedding. Sure, it's great for you to be in the Honeymoon Suite at the Sunned Butt Resort on some island, but your pale 94 year old Irish grandma can't spend her days drinking on the beach and your friends have more important things to spend their money on. Like food, rent, booze, and the occasional massage with a happy ending.

Rule number 5.

When all else fails. Elope.

If you know that your wedding is going to become the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow (and I'm going to allow you to use your own judgment about your current and possible future families), get the hell out and go get married somewhere by yourselves . Come back tanned, rested, sexed-up, and then just have a barbeque for your closest. Screw em, the majority really didn't want to go to your wedding anyway.