The Best New Years Resolutions I'll Never Do

1) Eat Like The Skinny Girls. No more dessert. No more second helpings. No more life, er, I mean, no more Pringles. I'm saying "'bye" to beef jerky. "Hey, see ya" to Haagen-Dazs. I'm going to be one of those girls who says, "I'm so full!" after 2 lettuce leaves. This shouldn't be too hard - I'll only be conscious a few hours a day.

2) Stop Being High-Strung. When someone asks me a stupid question, I will have grace. Aplomb. A pear. (sorry, I was hungry.) I will patiently answer their ridiculous, moronic, dumb-ass queries with a sweet smile and a gentle demeanor.

3) Exercise. I will do aerobics, if those are still in style. I will step. I will do Pilates. I will do so many Pilates, it'll make your head spin. I will find out what Pilates are.

4) Be On Time. I will become one of those people who leaves the house without panting. No longer will I pace the subway platform, craning my neck, desperately willing the light of the F train to appear. I will be one of those strange creatures that arrives places...what's that word again...early.

5) Be demure. I will speak in the dulcet tones of a sweet young thing. I will sit quietly. I will not curse. Even when I'm f*n pissed off because none of these freakin' people feel they need to get out of my way and....uh, excuse me. When speaking to people, I will say "Heavens to Betsy" instead of "Go to Hell". And when I feel anger, I will close my eyes and float to my happy place. I will absolutely not, under any circumstances, say "F*k you, you son-of-a-bitch! Kiss my mother-f*cking ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"