The Big Flap Over Same-Sex Marriage

I was relieved to see that the big state on the left coast came to its senses and is committed to preserving the sanctity of marriage, thus insuring that this sacred bond be experienced only by those of us who understand that flap A goes into slot B.

As a bona fide heterosexual who inserts flap A into slot B anytime my wife lets me, I realize that there is something special about a relationship between two people who have absolutely no idea what the other one is thinking.

Husband: I wonder what she meant by, "Of course you can go play cards with your idiot buddies while I sit at home and twiddle my thumbs?" I guess that means she's OK with it, right?

Wife: When I tell him I love him and he says, "Me too" without taking his eyes off the TV, that means he is just shy and uncomfortable with showing his feelings. He really does love me, right?

Husband: All I said was that I don't get the whole Oprah thing. Jeez, you'd think I'd just told her I was seeing another broad or something.

Wife: It's like he doesn't understand how important Oprah is to me, but I'm supposed to understand his ridiculous obsession with fantasy football.

Husband: So when are we eating?

Wife: We'll eat when it's ready. I work too, you lazy bastard!

Ah yes folks, there is nothing more beautiful and sacred than the relationship between a man and a woman.

In fact I was just talking about the sanctity of marriage-and how important it is to keep it a "heteros only" thing-with my good friends Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh. I consider both Newt and Rush to be "experts" on the subject of maintaining a strong relationship considering the two have a combined collection of six marriages between them.

Here is just a small portion of our little chat:

Me: So what are the little things you do to keep the magic going in your marriage?

Newt: I like to surprise the little woman. I have always found things as simple as flowers or candy can make all the difference. In fact my wife absolutely loves when I bring her flowers. Oh wait, that was wife number two...my current wife likes candy. Number one was into expensive jewelry-that's why I dumped her ass a long time ago. Anyway, the real key here is that I am a man and she is a woman. That's what marriage is all about..

Rush: My wife is into the kinkier stuff-whipped cream and junk like that. Oh wait, that was Newt's first wife...my wife likes furs and massages. No, no...sorry...that was my second wife. My current wife digs when I'm out of town for long periods of time. But I agree with Newt...I have a penis and she doesn't-it's that simple!

As you can see, the responsibility that comes with maintaining a strong marriage is far too taxing to be left to such frivolous individuals as those who don't know that flap A goes into slot B. I mean, how in the world can two people who have the exact same interests (i.e. they both like flap A) ever expect to handle that kind of responsibility?

As we have established, a big part of marital responsibility has to do with maintaining mystery within the marriage. And the classic heterosexual marriage is filled with mystery.

Admit it guys. You are never really certain if your dear wife is having a real orgasm, or just faking it so that you'll finish the dirty deed, roll your fat, sweaty, smelly body off of her, and fall into a coma.

While I'm sure two women who enjoy an intimate slot B relationship know exactly what the other's wants and needs are, there is no mystery. In fact, since women are multi-orgasmic, the only mystery is when to stop.

And there is no mystery for gay men either. Men-both straight and gay-are nothing but a bunch of horn-dogs looking for something to stick flap A into. A straight man is at the mercy of his female partner, but a gay man has the perfect setup: a partner who has exactly the same sexual appetite as he. Once again, the only mystery is when to stop.

So I think we have figured out what marriage is, and always should be, about: Mystery.

The kind that makes you wonder why the hell any woman would marry a man like Newt Gingrich or Rush Limbaugh.