The Bill of Wrongs

If Joseph Goebbels and Joseph McCarthy were somehow able by some mutation of fate and biology to have a kid together, it would have probably ended up being Bill O'Reilly. However, just being the offspring of these two historical pariahs, probably would not alone have made him the person he is today. The Joes would have also had to have spoiled little Billy as a child and probably as a teen, giving in to every tantrum and catering to his every desire to have molded him into the Bill O'Reilly we all know and cringe at when we hear or see him today.

The idea that O'Reilly even has an audience that consists of anyone other than Neanderthals, who still spout bumper sticker wisdom like, "This is America, love it or leave it," or "freedom isn't free man" from the back of a confederate flag draped pickup truck is hard to believe. Truthfully, I'd be surprised if Bill's real family were fans of his. After some of the behavior he has pulled, and most of the crap he spews on the air, they might have requested some kind of arrangement from the infamous Fox Security, similar to the Witness Protection Program. Because you know there must be a line of people wrapped around the block to have a few words with them about what went wrong when raising little Billy as a child.

Even the hard core handful of Bill's fans that still hang on to what he spouts night after night as the gospel according to Rupert (Murdoch) , have to know deep down they are being lied to by nothing more than a cable TV used car salesman trying to move the inventory. Instead of sticking us with overpriced lemons that may leave us stranded on the side of the road, O'Reilly's sales pitch for the right wing helped a presidential administration stick us with two, almost three unjust wars based on lies, and a Constitution stripped of many of the amendments that we have always been told had a life time warranty.

Bill has to be the number one salesman at Rupert's House of Used Cars , so he can win the set of steak knives at the end of the year when the top producer is rewarded -which is much better than that Peabody Award he falsely brags about having and easier to secure. So Bill moves the inventory out the door to a small but loud and rabid clientele - all makes and all models- weapons of mass destruction lies , the right wing agenda, Iran is bad, the liberals want to eat your kids and destroy America, terrorists are behind every bush (pun intended), the US does not participate in torture, but if we did, it would work in fighting the alleged war on terror, domestic spying , the mythical war, (but real life distraction) on Christmas , and his delusion of secular progressives (whatever that is) whose motive he claims is to destroy everything good about America.

Somewhere along the line it became the standard in political debate to bring the noise if you can't bring the facts, and Bill O'Reilly is an expert at bringing the noise , shouting over his guests and cutting off their microphones, unleashing character attacks when the facts don't serve his argument, and throwing guests out of the studio if they have the audacity to speak the truth not according to Rupert.

As belligerent and hostile as he is to guests on his Billy pulpit of a show, Bill claims he is looking out for you, the common man. In fact, he cares about you so much the cost for you to have his protection is only 18 bucks and some change not including shipping and handling) and a few of your Constitutional rights. You see, Bill believes in the sanctity of the Bill of Rights but only as they apply to him and his ability to move his inventory. Constitutional guarantees like freedom of speech, press, and assembly don't seem to be that important to Bill, unless they directly affect him. I guess Bill reads the First 10 amendments and sees the "Bill O'Reilly (of) Rights."

As a tribute to Bill O'Reilly being so generous with our Bill of Rights being decimated by the Bush administration, I have compiled a list of just 10 things (there are so many it is hard to choose) Bill has done and said that are just plain wrong on a Constitutional, factual, human decency, and behavioral level. Be sure to click on each heading below to see and hear Bill's rabid ignorance and get its full effect.

10. Bill needs a !#$%&*%ing time out - If you ever wondered what becomes of the little brats who throw themselves on the floor of K-Mart and scream and kick and thrash around until their parents give in and buys them what they want - here is the answer in all of its horrific glory. Does anyone remember how Herman Munster used to have temper tantrums when he really got mad? Doesn't Bill bring that to mind here? Maybe with a little less stage makeup than Herman, but he's got the moves down.

9.Bill Fights for his right to (Republican) party - Bill seems to hold the rights to freedom of speech and freedom of the press sacred, but only if he and his agenda are being left out in the cold. Apparently, Bill is such a Constitutional expert, that he was able to find somewhere in the footnotes of the Bill of Rights that freedom of speech and freedom of the press include volume - The louder the better.

8.Book 'em Billo - Meet Robo and Pass the Luffa Snorkel Boy - Bill loves to grace his people with books that promote his agenda, but somehow Bill got the idea that he could write sex novels and was also able to convince someone in the publishing industry to release Those Who Trespass for public consumption. What's worse is he didn't only write this stuff, he also reads it himself on the audio book version in his manly "I'm on the verge of a belch, no nonsense, I'm all about the facts" Factor voice.

The two excerpts linked above of his audio performance ("Meet Robo" and "Pass the Luffa Snorkel Boy") are from the Stephanie Miller Show and what used to be the Al Franken show so it includes their reaction and commentary. Fortunately, it makes Bill's foray or more accurately his trespass into writing porn fiction a little easier to stomach. Imagine listening to Bill spin this yarn in the darkness of your bedroom.

It is pretty sad if you can't even write good porn. Like they said when playing the excerpt on the Stephanie Miller Show, this isn't even good enough to be a letter to the Penthouse Forum Letters section, and most of those are probably written by guys not wearing pants. But now that I think of it, no telling what state of dress Bill was in when he wrote this.

Here is one of the nicer Amazon reviews of his novel:

"Wow. This was a real-load-in-the-pants. I'm surprised that anyone would actually publish this. I guess that['s] a perk when you're on TV. The writing was at about 12th grade level, which is surprising, considering that O'Reilly speaks like a nine-year old child. I think this book would make good reading for inmates in Abu Ghraib."

7. His telephone manner was just falafel!(That's what she said) - I am going to go ahead and get what's left of Bill's sex life out of the way now so we can put that darkness behind us and move on to some less nauseating behavior by Bill that happened while his pants were on (let's hope; he does sit behind a desk on the show). This is the court transcript of the sexual harassment suit brought against O'Reilly by a former co-worker. Bill is one of the crusaders for family values who settled for some amount of money in this lawsuit. Of course, he is always looking out for the children as well. So, come sit on Uncle Bill's lap and I'll tell you the story of the Magic Loofa.

6. Don't make me make someone come over there! - Bill, tries to give the impression that he supports the right to dissent and disagree and speak out against the government and the powers that be, and I think he really does, as long as he is the one dissenting and speaking out. However, if you disagree and speak out against him, or his administration/corporation propaganda thugs, he will come down on you with the wrath of a rental security agency. He doesn't mess around with Blackwater , or Wackenhut he goes straight to the big guns (I mean flashlights) and unleashes his posse of Fox Security muscle.

I guess they show up at your door and give you a serious talking to - intervention style. Doesn't Bill remind you of the kid in grade school that would take down kid's names who talked when the teacher was out of the classroom and tattle on them when she got back? Of course this was the same kid that would drop his pencil on the floor repeatedly trying to sneak a peak up the teacher's dress.

5. Phil er up and kick those balding tires - Bill shows what a "real man" he is by inviting Phil Donahue, one of the biggest pacifists since Gandhi's mother, on his show because Phil dared to have the same point of view as Cindy Sheehan (who lost her son in the Iraq war) opposing the Iraq war. You see, gentleman that Bill is, he had been trashing and smearing Sheehan on the air about her outspoken stand against the Iraq war - saying that Sheenhan's dead son would probably not approve of his mom's stance. Apparently, Bill has been frequenting séances and utilizing Ouija boards for news sources. Bill probably thought he would be taking the rational, easy going Donahue to the toolshed with a Factor switch, and get home early for some pants less telephone calls before dinner, but Donahue kicked his butt, factually, intellectually, and emotionally.

Bill was unable to match his former media peer, so he jettisoned the facts out of the SS Fox pod door and shifted in to a warp volume tirade, because everyone knows loud equals right in the Fox universe. Bill threatened to personally and forcefully eject Donahue from his studio for trampling on his right wing agenda. Come on Bill, intimidating Phil Donahue with physical violence? You might as well challenge Clay Aiken to a bare knuckle fist fight over who gets to tap Paul Abdul. Phil is going to wipe up the floor with you without even having to lay a hand on you. The highlight had to be Donahue calling O'Reilly "Billy" throughout the exchange as if talking to a snot-nosed kid (no stretch at all there).

4. Mourning has broken - We all mourn in different ways. Jeremy Glick, son of a Port Authority worker who died in the September 11 attacks turned his mourning of his dad's death into a vehicle for change to try to prevent the kind of U.S. foreign policy and aggression that led to the 911 attacks in the first place from continuing.

How does Bill O'Reilly, who claims he has done more for 911 victims' families than Jeremy could ever hope to do, mourn the victims of 911? Well, obviously by bullying family members of 911 victims.

Bill invited Jeremy on his show so he could attempt to justify signing the Not in Our Name Statement of Conscience which was a petition calling U.S. citizens to resist the policies and overall political direction that emerged since September 11, 2001, and which pose dangers to rest of the world.

Jeremy committed a cardinal sin on Fox - he spilled his facts in Bill's lap like a pot of scalding coffee. This is crucial because at Fox News and in Bill's world, truth is a four letter word. Bill reacted like his crotch had actually been scorched and he tore into Jeremy relentlessly like a pit bull on a poodle - Shouting at him, insulting him, assaulting his character, twisting his words around to fit his own baseless rant, and yelling at him to SHUT UP! Did I mention that this is the son of a 911 victim?

Jeremy kept his cool, pretty well and was able to get some good factual points in around Bill's rabid spitting and convulsing barrage of propaganda and faux patriotic sound bites that were most likely phoned in from the Whitehouse prior to the show. My favorite point that Jeremy made during the exchange, which I'm pretty sure made Bill's eyes roll back in his head and his genitals shrivel up, was when he said Bill evoked the 911 victims to rationalize everything from domestic plunder to imperialistic aggression worldwide.

Bill returned as he often does to his Ouija board strategy and told Jeremy, that he did not think Jeremy's dead father would approve of his positions, and then resorted to the equivalent of sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming "LA LA LA LA I am not listening to Jeremy," until finally, hiding behind Jeremy's dead father again, Bill said he would not dress Jeremy down out of respect for his father. As if that were not bad enough, Bill brought Jeremy's mother into it, by saying he hoped his mother was not watching this, implying that she would be disappointed in her son.

Bill then called for backup, ordering his jackbooted studio goons to cut Jeremy's microphone so he couldn't rain on Bill's propaganda parade any longer. To get the full effect of how much of a jerk someone can actually be, you need to watch the video and remind yourself that this is the son of a 911 victim Bill is attacking.

3. An open and Shut (up) case of freedom of speech - You remember the Bill O'Reilly, who holds dear his Constitutional freedom of speech and press? Finally, you're thinking there may be one redeeming quality to Bill O'Reilly and a common ground we as a nation can all meet on. Not so fast Mother Teresa. Bill only finds these rights important if their absence is causing him to be shut out? If what you are saying, especially in the form of facts, doesn't mesh with Bill's agenda and warped version of the truth, then you are going to get SU'd (Shut Upped) and he's going to take you down to browbeat town.

2. A Liberal show of force or The Nuclear Option - Bill knows how to protect our country from its enemies. He refers to his enemies by many names such as the secular progressives (SPs) [a phrase that means absolutely nothing, like partial-birth abortion] but has been coined by some political public relations guy to evoke negative connotations in the minds of the uneducated narrow minded zombies (Bill's core audience) and convince them that the SPs are trying to take Christmas away from Jesus. Oh yeah, and the SPs are trying to turn everyone gay too and get them married to each other. Bill also includes among his enemies, liberals, the left wing blogosphere, "left wing media" and the left wing smear merchants.

Regardless of what label Bill uses for his enemies, they all have one thing in common. They know that Bill is full of crap and they don't accept his pontifications as the gospel. Instead, this roving band from the "left" has the nerve to post actual transcripts, videos, and audio of some of Bill's most outrageous diatribes verbatim, unedited, and unmanipulated so Bill's words and actions can speak for themselves. This really sets Bill off into Tizzy Land and he morphs before our eyes and ears into what he has got to think is a macho no nonsense take no prisoners persona, but to everyone else it comes closer to Barney Fife on crack bringing the Mayberry down on you.

If you see Bill looking like this, then you are in for a liberal show of force, in which case he's taking care of business himself, so don't even waste time shuddering, just drop to your knees and cower at Barney - I mean Bill's feet because he's coming for you.

Just hope and pray you get off that easy and don't live in a liberal America hating city, because Bill will call in the nuclear option on you and take out your entire city without a second thought. I get the impression that much of what Bill says and does is without a second thought or even a first thought in most cases.

1.He ain't heavy, he's my M-effer - Someone as complex as Bill does everything full throttle. He even dines out with extreme prejudice. That was the case when Bill either lost a bet with Sean Hannity or had to pay off a debt to some billionaire with a twisted sense of humor and ended up going out to dinner with Al Sharpton at restaurant in Harlem.

Bill was amazed that the African American clientele was civilized and well behaved. He found it notable that the black patrons, and I assume the employees as well, were not threatening to bust a cap in his him, or steal the white women . They weren't even swearing up a storm like a rapper with Tourette syndrome. Could Bill have walked into some parallel universe where left is right, up is down, and the ink is black the page is white ?

Thinking this about the black clientele is one thing and it is terrible of course. But unless you are in the presence of a psychic, you could probably get away with it. Now saying something about these observations is another thing all together, but saying something on the airwaves takes it to a whole new level. Bill went for the trifecta and did all three. I think at that moment when Bill related his story about the well-behaved patrons at the Harlem restaurant across the national airwaves, even Senator Strom Thurmond spit his mint julep all over his Klan robe and said, "Daaaaaaamn...Bill!"

Bill later defended his words admirably by presenting the "What? What did I say? I said the black folk were well-behaved and articulate. What more do you want from me"? defense.

Now, If anyone else had said or done even one of the things in the list above, and I am not even talking about on television or the radio, but just in the presence of your small circle of friends and acquaintances, (I am assuming your audience would be smaller than Bill's audience, but I could be wrong), you would be too embarrassed to show your face in public again. However, it doesn't bother Bill. He keeps going out there and he continues to top the last outrageous thing he did. But you know what? I believe so strongly in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, I will defend his right to say whatever he wants no matter how ignorant or inflammatory it is. If only Bill could have the same kind of tolerance toward me and the rest of world.