The Birth of Rose Mae

Ever since I became interested in birth and midwifery in elementary school I had always hoped to have a home birth rather than a hospital one. I remember in 5th grade I told my mom I wanted to be a midwife when I grew up and she told me that I read too many books, midwives didn't exist in modern days. I was crushed.

When I unexpectedly became pregnant (she was a love child ) I continued seeing the OB I went to for girly part care. Halfway through my pregnancy I realized something just didn't feel right. I was continually disappointed with the fact that we would wait for an hour to see the doctor and he would glance at my chart and then rush off. I decided to Google search midwives, and found that there were three in my area. One was a home birth midwife. Since we lived with my in-laws I didn't feel right pushing that on them. (They are very mainstream, not the home birthing sort.)

The other two midwives were CNM's that delivered in small hospital. I made an appointment with Beth despite the fact that everyone (except my husband) kept telling me 26 weeks was too late to switch care providers. I am so glad I met Beth. My husband and I both loved her. She talked with us for an hour, sometimes more, at each appointment. I remember one day she grabbed my hands, looked right into my eyes, and told me that it was never good to worry alone. She said that a midwife's job is to listen to women, and so she gave us her cell phone number and said to call at any time. What a difference from the cold, swift OB!

Around 34 weeks my baby dropped. It was very obvious, my belly totally sank. At that point my night contractions began. It seemed like at least one night a week for the next couple weeks I would be up all night feeling ill, pooping, and having strong contractions close together for about four hours. By the time the sun would rise I would feel exhausted, but not be in labor.

By my 38 week appointment I had begun having the contraction routine every other night. My body was cleaning itself out for labor at this point too, every other day before a night of contractions I would just poo out every little thing I consumed. On the opposite days I would feel totally normal and be contraction free. I agreed to let Beth check my cervix at the 38 week appointment because the off and on contractions were driving me crazy. I was 4 cm dilated and 100% effaced. She told me my bag of waters was bulging so far that she could feel the hair on the baby's head.

We went home and the weekend went by with no sign of any further labor. Then came several days of constant pooping. My body was still cleaning itself out! No matter what I did, I couldn't keep any food down. The night before my 39 week appointment I was up all night long with contractions again. I never woke my husband (Tyler) for any of them, the cat just kept me company as I worked through it. By the time I got to my appointment the next day I was so weak. Since I hadn't slept in 24 hours and I couldn't hold any food down Beth was concerned. She checked me and found that I was at 6 cm and still had the bulging sac of waters. But...I wasn't in active labor. When the sun came up my contractions had stopped, as usual.

Even though I hadn't planned on having any help starting labor Beth wanted us to think about letting her strip my membranes. She told us that if I continued on much longer without being able to hold down food I might not be strong enough to have the birth I wanted. That made total sense, so she stripped them. It didn't hurt that bad, Beth had very small hands and was delicate. She said "This will feel like I am dialing a rotary phone inside of you." And it did. Blood was on her glove when she was finished. Apparently that means the stripping of membranes will probably be effective.

As soon as I stood up I had a strong contraction.

After the midwife stripped my membranes Tyler and I went to my parent's house to hang out because it's half way between the hospital and our house. After having a lot of contractions close together for an hour or so we headed to the hospital. The entire time I kept thinking that they would be sending us home. When we got to the hospital I was between 6 and 7 centimeters dilated, so we stayed. I still thought we would be going home in an hour or so.

Beth showed up to check on me and said that the baby was so ready to come out, if she broke my water Rosie would be here in no time. We thought about it and decided that even though I hadn't originally wanted it done the situation had kind of changed. So, my water went pop. It felt like I peed all over myself! It was so warm and wet. Every time I would have a contraction more would squirt out. I didn't realize it happened like that, I thought once it popped that was it. It leaks out the entire time until you deliver the baby with disgusting gushes.

They hooked me up to the monitors for 20 minutes to make sure the baby tolerated the loss of her home ok. Turns out she wasn't very happy. Her heart rate went from 149 down to 100 then shot up to 213 all in a couple of beats! That scared me to death. Because it was having trouble evening out I had to be monitored a lot more. I hadn't wanted that, but when I was actually in the situation I just wanted to know she was ok in there.

Mary Elizabeth (my doula) got out the essential oils at this point. I was feeling sick at my stomach, so she put peppermint oil in the fan. It smelled so wonderful, as soon as the smell filled the room my nausea just melted away.

Once my water was broken my contractions got a lot stronger. When they say you won't be able to talk and walk through them--they're right. I could keep my eyes open because I had to concentrate. It was pain, but not like "oh I stubbed my toe" pain, or "Holy Mother they're cutting off my legs while I watch" pain. It was just really, really powerful. I could feel each contraction building up before it hit. It reminded me having a sneezing attack, or really more of throwing up. You know how you feel it coming and you think "I should run to the bathroom..." and then you do, and you kind of heave a little and wish you had the power to stop what was about to happen? It was exactly like that. And of course you can't stop what's about to happen, so your body takes over and in one huge rush the feelings build to a peak. Just when you think you can't take it anymore it stops. Then there is this strange mixed feeling of extreme relief, freaking out, and panic because you feel it about to happen all over again and there is absolutely nothing you can do make it stop. You have no control at all.

I started feeling really light headed at some point. I just wanted to go to sleep for some reason. Mary Elizabeth suggested tangerine essential oil. She put it on a cold wash cloth and under my nose and on my face. I was alert instantly. Aroma therapy is the greatest ever.

Once I reached 8 cm I sort of lost my mind. I thought everyone was telling me lies. I have no idea why, but I was convinced that they were just playing jokes on me and that the baby wouldn't ever come out. I was also convinced that something had happened to the baby and I was going through all this for nothing but they wouldn't tell me that. I thought they were all whispering things about me behind my back. I could really talk though, I could only yell. That's right, I yelled and I promise you nothing had ever felt so satisfying in my life. Mary Elizabeth and Beth told me to make low sounds because those will help you dilate and open up. High pitched sounds make your muscles tense up and close. So, I sounded like a cow. Tyler claims it was more a goat sound, but I was thinking cow the entire time.

At one point Beth checked me to see how far dilated I was and I didn't know it at the time (see, they were really telling me lies...) but I had gone from 8 cm back down to 6! At that point my contractions, which were really just these huge rushes, had me not caring about anything in the world except finding the best way get through them. Beth made me get on all fours on the bed with my hands over the head of it. She kept her fingers inside of me during the entire contraction and it hurt so bad, I almost couldn't stand it. As soon as it was over they were telling me not to move and to stay in that position (so I could get back to 8 cm, though I didn't know it.) I was so angry at them, I swear I wanted to kill someone. Instead they let me get in the water.

I had wanted to labor in the water and have Rosie in there, but when we got to the hospital and my contractions got stronger I just did not feel like being confined to the tub at all. Once I was in the water my body went crazy. I have no idea what it looked like from the outside, but on the inside I was all about the birth process. I couldn't see the people around me or even really hear them talking. Instead I saw colors, and I felt everything in an extreme way. I know at some point while in the water I started talking, and I sobbed. I told them that I didn't want to do this anymore and that I was going to go home to my cat. I have no idea why. I was still convinced they were all lying to me and I was ready to just say "screw you, I'm leaving." It seemed like a reasonable action at the time.

I think I was only in the water for 3 or 4 contractions, I really don't know. The delivery room had no clocks because they didn't want women to feel like they were being timed. Not that I would have been able to focus on a clock anyway. The lights in the delivery room were out, the only light was coming from the windows. In the bathroom they turned out all the lights as well. It felt so good to be in there in the dark like that. While I was in the water Mary Elizabeth asked if I want to listen to some music. That seemed like a wonderful idea, so I chose Miles Davis. Mary Elizabeth had a big stereo with her, and we cranked it up. I could see the music during my rushes of contractions and I think it was the only thing that kept me from just imploding into a thousand pieces at some points.

After a short time in the water Beth checked me and said I had to get out and sit on the bed. I was angry and I refused to move because I wanted to have Rosie in the water. I was starting to kind of enjoy the warmth and the music and the power, in a really strange way. It was like huge surges of adrenaline. Anyone who gets a thrill out of something like getting piercings will know what I mean. Except that it was way stronger than that--too much to handle though there was really no choice but to keep going.

Once they finally convinced me to get onto the bed (I had to run to make it between contractions) Beth checked me again and said it was time to push. Apparently, I was later told, I went from 6 to 10 cm in the half an hour I was in the water. I had to get out to push because Rosie was now facing the wrong way. Her face should have been looking down at the floor, but at some point during my labor she had rotated so that her face was looking at the ceiling. No one told me that, I guess they didn't want to worry me. I was too distracted to argue about pushing in the bed by that point any way.

I honestly had no concept of time at all. I do remember at this point it was getting dark out. The delivery room had huge windows that took up the entire wall opposite the bed. Once it was dark out the windows were like mirrors so I could see everything I desired going on in my nether regions. Problem was, I felt like I had to keep my eyes closed in order to focus on birthing my baby, so I really didn't see much.

I can't remember what position I started out pushing in. It might have been squatting. That was the original plan if I couldn't push in the water. Pushing was a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. On TV it seems like the end of the labor is a few pushes, baby pops out, and the show is over. Too bad reality TV isn't very realistic. There is no dignity in birth, especially the pushing part. I was naked on a bed, straining and yelling, while Mary Elizabeth, Tyler, Beth, and Alice the nurse stared at my butt. And tthe answer to the question everyone asks is yes. I pooped. Even though my body cleaned itself out for labor several weeks in advance, there was still poop. You can't help but poop when you're pushing down there that hard. It made me upset at first because I didn't want it to happen, but little pieces just kept popping out! They assured me it was perfectly normal and it meant I was pushing in the right place. I of course thought they were lying to me.

I pushed FOREVER. It was really only two hours, but it seemed like a life time. Rosie was sunny side up. The soft face of a baby is suppose to slide right over your bone, but if the baby is facing the wrong direction the hard bone of the back of the baby's head hits your bone and it can't slide. I had to push hard enough to get her over that bone and out. Everyone kept on saying "Oh we can see a little of her head!" But in between contractions her head would just slide back down because it didn't make it over that bone hurdle. I didn't really understand at the time, since no one told me she was facing the wrong way. After awhile I was beginning to think the pushing would never end. Beth had decided that the best position was laying on my side with my knees bent up to my ears. For some reason that widened my pelvis in the right places. I felt like everyone was mad at me and they thought I wasn't trying hard enough. I kept asking them how much longer and begging them to just rip her out. Beth would tell me that she wouldn't do that because the baby was just fine in there. She would have her head in between my legs talking to the baby saying things like "Come on Rosie, your momma and your family are waiting to meet you." And "Ok baby you can do it, work really hard..."

I think if I'd had a different person, an OB instead of a midwife, my birth would have been so different. I don't know what I would have done without Beth and Mary Elizabeth there to encourage me. Tyler was my source of comfort too, I just wanted to grab him and never let go during contractions. I don't mean just hold his hands, I needed to feel his body up against mine, like a source of strength ya know?

During the pushing there I was holding my legs back, and Tyler was holding one leg and Mary Elizabeth was holding the other. The nurse was there too, assisting where needed. I pushed with strength I didn't even know I had in me. I would feel like I absolutely couldn't go on living, then a contraction would come and I would be able to use muscles I didn't even know existed.

I think (I'm still not sure about this) at some point Beth got sick. (She has cancer.) I would open my eyes and find that she wasn't in the room and ask for her. They would tell me that she went to the bathroom. I wasn't sure whether to believe them or not at that point. When I did see and hear here though she seemed as cheerful as ever.

At one point I started feeling intense pressure down there. I think I remember Beth telling me that it was the baby's head moving my pelvis apart. Then the pressure increased, and a burning sensation was added to it. That ring of fire thing people talk about is definitely real. What I didn't expect was how drawn out it was. You push and push and push during a contraction, then when it's over you rest and wait for the next one. That resting and waiting felt so great, because at the end of the pushes I would feel drained. But it also was horrible at the end because I was resting and waiting through the ring of fire sensation and all the pressure. At one point we were just waiting and the baby's head was partially sticking out.

At the moment her head crowned I knew two things:

1)I did not care what happened at this point as long as the burning and pressure stopped before I died
and
2) I must push as hard as ever, despite the fact that I could feel my skin ripping open as I did it.

When her head slid out I thought for sure something was not right. It was like something from a badly done science fiction movie. She looked like an alien life form, and the fact that her head was hanging out of my rear was just bizarre. Before I really knew what happened I was hearing them say something about shoulders, and gentle pushing. None of it really made since. I felt like a huge piece of poo was sliding out. It was warm and wet and it stung. I promise, it felt like it was coming out of my anus and not my vagina. I was so confused.

There was a huge gush of warm fluid, it felt like my water breaking a second time. I opened my eyes and there she was being put onto my chest! It was such a strange moment. I could hear Beth telling us that she was fearfully and wonderfully made, perfect. I also heard someone say "It's definitely a girl." I looked down at her and she was so huge, I couldn't believe that she just fit out of me. That was my first thought. Then I noticed her tiny face, and her ears, and hair. Tyler was at my side looking down at her and crying. She was breathing, but not screaming. Beth suctioned her nose because she had inhaled a bunch of fluid, and then she started crying a little.

Once again, at this point on reality TV the birth is over and everyone goes home happy. How come they never tell you that even though you've just pushed all you can push it's still not over. I had to push out the placenta. Beth seemed anxious, and I didn't know why. I was still kind of in a daze. Rosie was crying on my chest and that was all I could focus on. I don't know how long passed. I remember Tyler cut the cord when it stopped pulsating. Then there was a rush of voices and I heard Beth say "Alice we need the pitocin." Then there was a needle in my leg and I really didn't care. Finally Beth told me to push, and I didn't want to but I did anyway. A big blob came out of me. I saw Beth drop my placenta in a dish and go look at it under the light. Then the nurses were looking at it too. I remember thinking that a placenta was not supposed to be that exciting, why weren't they looking at me and the baby over in the bed...

I finally figured out why they were busy analyzing the placenta. Apparently part of my placenta was missing. It had gotten stuck to the wall of my uterus and left behind. Beth told me that I should let someone else hold my baby so I didn't drop her. I tried to give her to Tyler but Beth told me that he would need to hold my hand. I think I forgot how to speak english somewhere during the course of these events, because no words I said would come out as anything that made sense. The nurses took Rosie and weighed her and everything while Beth did her thing. She took wads of gauze and reach all the way into my uterus and swept around it searching for that piece of placenta. I'm not going pretend that was pleasant, especially after I had just given birth a few minutes ago. Tyler told me later that her arm was at least halfway inside of me, like vets do to cows or something. Thank God Beth has small hands. She had to reach up there and search around four or five times before she said she thought it was all gone.

Beth told me I had two rips, one on either side of my urethra, and a small tear at the bottom that could use one stitch. She gave me the choice of whether to stitch it or not. She said it wouldn't affect the pelvic floor muscles at all and it was just for cosmetics and maybe different healing. I said no, because I really didn't want any more things goin on in the area first of all, and second of all who cares if I have a crooked thing on my vagina...I'm not going to suddenly become a porn star. But before I said no for sure I had Tyler take a look to see what he thought since I couldn't see down there. He said he had no idea, just leave it to nature.

Thanks to the placenta ordeal I had to have an IV of some triple antibiotics. I promise, once we were settled in a room, the only thing that really hurt besides my tear was that IV. It hurt worse than anything else, hands down. (Except maybe peeing, that burned because of the little rips...)

This is how all 6 pounds, 14 ounces, and 19 inches of Rose Mae came out of me and into the world, ushered in by loving hands and Miles Davis blaring on the stereo.

I lost so much blood that the on call OB said I needed transfusions. Beth convinced them to wait until the next day to see if my blood count improved. It did, so I didn't have to have them, but I was so weak I could barely stand. It took a good three or four weeks before I felt even close to normal again.

I really, honestly enjoyed my birth experience. I cannot wait to do it again. Hopefully the next time it will be in the comfort of our own home rather than in a hospital. Giving birth in the hospital was not bad at all, but the recovery afterwards wasn't very pleasing with the nurses constantly taking our baby away and everything. They tried to tell us we were terrible parents for declining the hep. B vaccine, the eye ointment, and the vit. k shot. All the struggles to just keep our baby with us afterwards is the only thing I regret about the entire experience.

A few days before my six week postpartum check up Beth died peacefully. She fought cancer for nine years! She delivered a baby on Thursday night, then died at almost exactly the time on the following Friday night. Tyler, myself, and Rosie attended her funeral, which was not a funeral at all but a celebration of her life. I feel so blessed to know that I met such a beautiful person and had the chance to share my birth with her.