The Blended Family

Being a step parent is as rewarding, fun, difficult, challenging, and important as being a biological parent. Depending on the relationship if the biological parents and the age of the children when you become a part of the family, it can be an easy dream, a nightmare, or anything in between the two. I was a mother before becoming a step mother, which poses a unique challenge to all involved, because you are dealing with 2 families blending, not just one set of children. I was a 26 year old widow when I met a 34 year old divorced man. I had a six year old daughter and he had a thirteen year old son and an eleven year old daughter, both of which lived with their mom. Here is our family story:

The first weekend we all spent together with all three of the kids was so much fun. We went pumpkin picking, on hay rides, and even to a fall carnival. We were all on our best behavior and I instantly fell in love with the kids. It all seemed so perfect.

What I didn't know was how much work being a step parent took. My methods of discipline were very different than what the kids were used to. Then I realized that discipline should be handed over by the biological parent. But, how was I going to be a "partial parent"? That was the way that I saw it anyway. For a while it was difficult for me to find balance. I was already a parent and had my theories on parenting. Not that my husband and his ex wife were wrong, it was just different. It was years later that I saw how alike we all were.

We all went through the normal trials and tribulations that a blended family goes through. None of us had been in this situation before as a parent. Someone was always feeling left out, overlooked, unheard, upset, or jealous. And these feelings were not limited to the children!

The kids all got along well, sometimes better than the adults. Time passed and the newness and excitement started to wear off. As the kids got older and understood more, I got worried. I knew my relationship with my daughter. I took full responsibility for her in every way. I was secure, I was sure, and I was content. But then there were these two other children that I had grown to love and I was terrified the feeling was not mutual. Before I could realize what was happening, I grew resentful of THEIR mother. Every tear they cried, every moment they were unhappy, everything they did incorrectly, it was all HER fault. They lived with her, and as wonderful as I was (wise and perfect), I could not undo any damage she did to them in a few weekends a month. Oh boy, as far as I was concerned, I had my work cut out for me and I had to start right away!!

So, when I talked to the kids, as soon as they would say something negative about their mom, I jumped to agree and reinforce what they were saying. For about a year, this went on, on both sides. We knew, as adults, we were wrong. But it felt so GOOD to place blame on someone else for all the bad and take credit for all the good. It was easy to tell the other adults how wrong they were and then justify our own actions.

I don't know if there was anything specific that happened that we all just stopped. We saw how wrong we were and that we were hurting the kids and it was so stupid to act that way. So we all, in essence, started over. We all apologized to each other and to the kids. We started to feel good about our family in a new way. It is hard to explain, it just became peaceful.

By now, there was another child in the mix. Our baby is now three years old and we have the yours, mine, and ours storyline here too. Sometimes it is a comedy, sometimes a drama, always changing and growing, as families and children often do.

I look back on our family four years ago and feel the need to jump up and down in victory for where we are today. We laugh, cry, joke, fight, can't stand each other, love each other, and function like one family, and I am extraordinarily close with my dear stepdaughter.

Now, if my stepdaughter goes to her mom with something I did or said...instead of calling me claws out, screaming, being the protective mama bear, she calls me and we talk it over calmly. Sometimes she does not even call me. She knows I was in the right as the parental figure and supports my actions. And I am able to do the same now. Now if the kids have complaints, instead of reinforcing them, we tell them not to talk like that and defend each other when need be. Almost all the time, all of the parents are on the same page. The funny thing is, I think we always were, the difference in that now it does not cause what seems like excruciating physical pain to agree with one another!!

I can confide in my husband's ex wife. I call her my friend now. Four years ago, we would have rather died than admit our faults and problems to each other. Now we can talk about them to each other and became better people for that. We call one another to chat, we exchange recipes, give updates about the kids (she takes an active interest in my children also), and it is because we want to, not have to.

Sometimes it makes me laugh, the same kids that wanted us all to us get along get upset when we all agree on certain things and are on the same team. But the kids are happier, we gave them a better example and a happier family that they can be proud of. They really can feel the love from all of us now. They see us fight, make up, and do it all over again, like a real extended family. They see us hug and smile when we are around one another; they see us trying to be happy, for them and for us!

Now, I am sure. I am secure. I am content.

I no longer feel like the partial parent I thought I was. I will; never be their mom and that is cool with me. I am so happy that I can be their cheerleader. I am there to give advice, hugs, love and support. Now that they know their mom also accepts and wants me in all of their lives, it is easier for them to enjoy a relationship with me, and my love, guilt free. Because they know their mom wants that for them.

While we are never all going to live under the same roof, there will always be conflicts, and our family dynamics may be a little different than some, we are happy. We All found our roles, settled into them, and found contentment and happiness. We started to heal as a family, together as one.

Painful as it was, my step kids' mother gave me the room I needed to be their step mom and have a relationship with them. She realized that for my relationship with them to grow, she had to encourage it. As a mother, I know the amount of confidence, courage, self esteem and love that must take. I will be forever grateful to her for giving that gift to her children, and to me.

Difficult as it was for me, I had to understand my true role in their lives. Graciously stepping back is not one of my strengths. But I did it for all of us, and I am learning that I can be the person the kids need me to be. I gave myself the gift of self assurance and knowledge that I am important and loved as a step mom.

I have two awesome step kids in addition to my two wonderful daughters. My step kids have a mom, dad, and step mom. It is such a blessing that we all KNOW that nobody can EVER again look at our blended family and call it broken.