The New Blended Family: Caring for Elderly Parents

Today, it is widely accepted that the traditional nuclear family of decades past is pretty close to extinction. The divorce rate continues to hold steady, single parents are the norm, and sometimes aunts, uncles, and even grandparents are left to rear another's children. While the media and even our government continues to question what is the right way, another facet of the family equation is pretty much ignored. Families are caring for aging parents and grandparents in their home. For those who cannot care for themselves any longer, many families are forgoing the family vacation and installing handicap accessible equipment, skipping the pool and adding on a room, and incurring in-home nursing expenses to give their elders the care they need. As a caregiver to a grandparent, I am only too aware of the love and energy it requires to take on such a responsibility. It is interesting to examine the dynamics of these families, and ultimately, how to make it work.

Why are parents taking on the responsibility of caring for their parents? Most would say, it is the right thing to do. Some can even remember their grandparents living in their home growing up. And it's true, many would not have it any other way; some groups here in the U.S., such as the Amish still adhere to this tradition. The fact is that more than 22 million Americans are caring for an elderly loved one. The choice to move in Mom carries with it a change in lifestyle for the entire family, not just the primary caregiver. Parents of school aged children must decide if they can juggle the two: can soccer, PTA, and doctor's visits fit the schedule? And what about the kids? Loud, active, youngsters may be a lot on an elderly parent needing rest during the day, but this is the reality of dual households. Teens can be especially difficult, as loud music, parties, and the general parent/teen disputes spill over into a parent's retirement years. Of course, what about you and your spouse? Where do you fit in? It is unrealistic to think that having a new member of the household will not impact your relationship with one another. Just like having a baby, caring for another member of the family requires time, something already in low supply for many families.. There has to be a balance, a system of meeting everyone's needs while maintaining a healthy relationship with each other. Make time for one another, schedule it if you must. When you are happy together, you work better to accomplish everyone's goals.

Caring for an elderly parent can be quite demanding mentally and, sometimes physically. Depending on the severity of an illness or condition, you may become your parent's nurse. Bathing, using the restroom, and general mobility can be taxing on the body. Private nursing is not an option for some families, and many carry out these tasks alone. Giving up privacy to allow a child to care for you can be demoralizing for a parent or grandparent. Of course, your privacy is lost at times to with another adult in the home, no matter how much you want them to be there. When possible, communication is the key. Putting oneself in the situation of the other can be eye opening! Above all, know your limits. Unless you are an only child, get siblings involved. Or, if you can, a private nurse or sitter can be helpful, if only once a week. The point is, this should not be a burden to shoulder. Financially, it is best to speak with your parents estate planner (or get one if you don't have one) to have the proper paperwork taken care of well in advance. This includes a power of attorney, living will, checking accounts, things that you should know your parents wishes about, and of course, know where these documents are at all times. Of course, some parents are in far better health than others, able to do more for themselves. Finding the support of senior centers and church groups can help foster a better quality of life by keeping Mom and Dad active.

At some point in time, you may have to face the fact Mom or Dad's condition is beyond your capabilities. Nursing facilities may become your only option. The best advice in picking a nursing home is do your homework. A friend's recommendation is nice, but you will have to do some sleuthing yourself. Interview the staff, visit several times before deciding, and don't be afraid to shop around. If you can afford it, sometimes paying more means you may be getting better care. Hopefully, you and your family have discussed this in advance so you will be better prepared if the time comes. It is never an easy decision for families, but it certainly is not the end either. Continuing to carry on the same bonds by visiting often and arrange for day trips out if possible. Depression is a real problem for the elderly, especially those confined to beds in nursing facilities. Making an effort to keep them involved as much as their condition allows will restore their spirits and help keep depression at bay.

Every family's situation is different. It is important to communicate and find what works for your family, keeping your parents' wishes in mind. As the baby boomers continue to age, more families will make the room in their homes and hearts to care for an elderly loved one. Regardless of the circumstances, finding the positive moments and making the effort to enjoy each other's company will ensure that your parent can truly live their golden years.