The Book of Job in My Life

I spent my life helping other people, taking care of other people, caring about and for other people. Yet, each time I tried to do something just for me and my daughter, I was called "selfish". I've never understood why that is. When I help others, because I feel compassion, I heard "God will give back, and will bless you for it." Yet, all that happened was I lost everything. When I could no longer help others, I began to help only us. I was then told, "God will punish you for your selfishness." Then I'd be back on top and would help others, and I was the good guy again. Now, I'm one step away from losing it all, again. Those I've helped in the past have turned away, and I'm left with only those who didn't know me before. Those who only see the beggar I've become, and try to tell me I should get a job, get a car. Get a life. My family tells me I'm being punished for sins they don't know about. I've looked back on my life and know I'm no saint, but I can't see anything I may have done to justify the hell I've gone through, in these past few years. I kept the faith and I fought the good fight. And was led to a place where I fell in love with a married man'"whom I've never touched. A place where I'm surrounded by the rich and greedy, who treat me like trash. And living in a neighborhood of the poor and hopeless who can't help me. I asked God "why", and was led to the Book of Job.

Job was a good man, who cared about others and took care of those who couldn't do for themselves. Yet he still was made to suffer, and lost everything. His family said he was being punished for sins they didn't know about. They told him to curse God. They held themselves above him, because they had money and all the good things of Life. Job had nothing. He suffered sickness and plagues, poverty. When he asked God "Why", he was only told, "I don't have to tell you why. You are MY servant." Yet Job still never lost his faith. He still believed God was just and good. In the end, he was rewarded for keeping his faith. Again, a story of the good guy winning out. I spent a lot of time wondering how far I would sink, before deciding "enough is enough."

This series, "The Book of Job in My Life", is my story of sinking to the depths of despair. And of the lessons that I learned, in the process.

All the time I worked at Lake Conroe Exxon, I felt good about being there. I felt I was where I was supposed to be. The Dreams and Visions had led me there. And, it seemed, each time I tried to leave and find another job, events would work around to keep me at that store. At first, I had tried to get away from Karim and his cruelty. Samuel had persuaded me to stay. It was Samuel that kept me there. After I had reached the point where I knew I could not have him, I began looking for another job.
Nothing was panning out.

This particular story begins, back when I first came back to Lake Conroe Exxon. When I was first learning the customers again. I followed the rules and carded everyone who looked too young to buy alcohol or tobacco. Karim and Raj laughed at me, for it. Yet the customers applauded me for doing my job. I carded people until I could put the face with the I.D., without having to look. I had even memorized the birthdates of many of the younger ones. One customer, in particular is the subject of this story. I will change his name, because he is a minor. I will call him "Anthony", or "Tony" for short.

The first time he came into the store, after I started back, was in February of 2009. He was buying an 18-pack of Miller Lite. I asked for his I.D. and Karim got angry. "Melissa, he's a regular customer! You card EVERYONE! Stop running off my customers! I know Anthony. He comes in, all the time!"

I looked at Karim and shrugged. "Maybe he comes in when YOU'RE here, but this is MY register. I have to card him."

"No, Melissa," Karim said, indicating the long line of customers. "We have too many people."

I calmly stepped back. "Then, YOU make the sale." And he did, not bothering to hide his frustration. But the other customers in line had to smile at me.

Several nights later, this kid came back. He set upon the counter an 18-pack of Miller Lite and asked for a pack of Camel Silver. I eyed him cautiously. He looked too young for even the cigarettes. "I'll just call Karim in here. He knows me."

I smiled. "Karim's gone home, already. And I need to see your I.D."

He sighed and pulled it out, laying it on top of the box of beer. I looked at him first. He seemed nervous. I picked up the driver's license. As I was trained to do, I looked first at the picture. Compared the person standing before me to the picture on the card. They matched. Then I checked the birth date. It said he was born in February 1987. I looked at him, thinking there was no way this kid was 22. I searched the card for signs of forgery, even compared it to my own driver's license. It was the license of someone under 21, and was stamped "Under 21". I asked him about that.

"Look at the birth date," he said. "It doesn't expire for another year. I didn't see the reason to get a new one, yet."

That sounded reasonable to me. I remembered my sister taking me for my first legal drink, on the night of my 21st birthday. My driver's license was stamped "Under 21", but it would not expire until my 22nd birthday. In the end, I had to concede. I could find nothing fake about the I.D. I held in my hand. I sighed, handed it back, and made the sale.

Anthony became a regular customer. Always buying the same things: an 18-pack of Miller Lite and a pack of Camel Silver. He was a regular customer at both stores, and even a couple of other stores along Highway 105. Sometimes, he even came in on morning shift, and again on night shift. All of us had come to know him by his nickname, Tony.

When Jay took over the store, he was getting to know the customers. I can remember the first time Anthony came in while Jay was there. As usual, Tony put his 18-pack of Miller Lite on the counter. Jay asked for his I.D. "Melissa knows me," Tony said.

Jay looked at me. I looked at Tony. I shrugged. "But he doesn't know you, Tony," I told him. "He needs to see I.D."

Jay looked it over the same way I had. I waited to see if Jay could find anything forged on that I.D. He found nothing wrong, either. He showed it to me. I looked at it. "That's the I.D. we've all seen," I told Jay. So Jay made the sale. Only then did Tony become everyone's favorite customer. His I.D. had passed everyone's inspection. Even Wendy, at the other store, had scrutinized it with the same detail I had.

So time passed, and he became one of the regulars that no one carded anymore. I had carded him every time, from February until October. To the point where it became a joke to Jay and my coworkers. As my excessive carding had become a joke to Karim and Raj.

With all that was happening in my life, during the summer of 2009, I had been looking for another job. There were many changes at Exxon, with the change of owners and things. I had been promised my night shift back, by the end of the first week of August. It was Monday, August 3, that Mary came into the store and talked to me. She had been the manager over both Lake Conroe Exxon and Quick Mart, when I came here, the first time. She had been the one to hire me, originally.

I had filled out one application that I had never turned in. It was from the Chevron down Highway 105 by April Sound. Mary told me that was where she was working. Had been working, since they let her go, back in January.

"You need to turn in that application," Mary told me, as she paid for her purchases. "With all the changes taking place, there's no tellin' where you'll end up. You can put me down as a reference." And she gave me her phone number. "You can put me down as the one who referred you, too. If they hire you, I'll get a bonus."

I felt a sense of loyalty to Ali, who had been such a great boss to me at Quick Mart. He was the one I had been told would take over Lake Conroe Exxon. And I felt a strong sense of loyalty to Aftab, the true owner of the stores. He had never done anything to me, and I knew he was a good man. I did not want to make things more difficult for Jay. I felt I owed it to all of them to stay at least through the changeover.

By the end of that week, I had learned that Jay '" not Ali '" was to be the new owner/manager of Lake Conroe Exxon. I was frustrated over the fact that these people never allowed the employees to know what was going on, until things had actually happened. It was Wednesday, August 26, that I turned in the application at Chevron, and talked to the assistant manager there. Of course, I did not know, at the time I was chatting with her, that was who she was.

The next morning, I received a callback from a woman named Karen. She was the manager over several Timewise stores. I was scheduled to come in, the next day for an interview. So I left early, getting there at 1:00. It was promising interview, and a good chat. I went into work that night in a better mood. I was waiting on a callback, to see if I was hired.

Wednesday morning, September 2, I got that call. They wanted me to come in the next day at 2:00 pm, to fill out the employee packet and get my schedule. I had been hired for graveyard shift at the Willis store. The Chevron only three miles from my house. After a couple of weeks of training at the other Willis store, further away, I would begin my shifts at the Chevron. I was excited about it. When I got to work that day, I caught both Aftab and Jay and told them the news. Jay looked pissed off. He and Aftab talked in the office, for a long time. Karim stopped by, and seemed happy that I was leaving.

Later in the shift, unexpectedly, Jay asked me, "How much will they pay you? If you don't mind me asking."

I shrugged. "Starting is $7 an hour. But it's right close to my house. I'll save a LOT in gas!"

About an hour later, Jay approached me again. "Did they OFFER you a job? Or have they HIRED you?"

I stared at him a moment. "They HIRED me. I'm going tomorrow to fill out the employee packet and find out my schedule."

I was at the Chevron on 105 at 1:45 pm. I was supposed to meet with the assistant manager there. But Mary told me she had had an emergency. I had missed her by 15 minutes. I hung out there, talking to Mary, until 3:00. Then to kill more time, I hung around Wal-Mart until 4:15. I walked into Lake Conroe Exxon at 4:30. I explained to Jay and Aftab what had happened. "So," I concluded, "I don't know any more than I did, yesterday. I'm supposed to be there at 1:00, tomorrow." I clocked in and began stocking the mini-coolers. Jay and Aftab went into the office.

Fifteen minutes later, while I was pouring ice into the mini-cooler, Jay stopped me. "You want to go smoke?" I looked at my watch in confusion. "Let's go smoke," he said.

I stared at him, confusion still plain on my face. "Uh. Okay."

I followed Jay around to the side of the building. He seemed to want to be out of earshot of others. And away from the cameras. He lit his cigarette, staring off into space. I lit mine, watching him in confusion. I had no clue what we were doing out there. My thought was that maybe he wanted me to go ahead and leave. Maybe he did not want me working, knowing I was not going to stay.

Suddenly, he turned and looked at me. He watched me, as he took a deep, thoughtful drag. Finally, he asked, "Melissa, do you have a problem with me?"

I stared at him, in complete surprise. "No, Jay. I've NEVER had a problem with YOU. My problem was with KARIM." He watched me as I explained many of the problems I had had with Karim.

"Okay," he said slowly. "But Karim's running Quick Mart, now. He has NOTHING to do with THIS store, anymore." After a pause, he added, "This is MY business, now. NOT Karim's. He's over THERE."

"Okay," I replied carefully. I knew the truth behind who really owned the stores, and how they all worked together. And I really had no idea where this conversation was going.

He continued to watch me closely. "You know, Aftab doesn't own this business. He owns the land and the building. I'm leasing it from him. The business is MINE. If there's a problem with Aftab, I can tell him to leave, at any time."

This time, I stared at him in open-mouthed shock. "NO!" I shook my head. "I've NEVER had a problem with Aftab! I LIKE Aftab! He's never done anything to me!"

Jay looked around, thinking. "So, what's the problem, Melissa?"

"DUDE! I can't afford the drive! Just getting back and forth to work is KILLING me in gas! The store I'm gonna be working at is close enough, I could WALK it!"

He stared out at the passing traffic. "Is that your ONLY problem?" He looked at me. "The expense?"

I knew I could not tell him I had fallen in love with a married customer. So, looking at it from the purely business aspect, I nodded.

Jay tossed his finished cigarette. He watched me toss mine. "You know this store's not doing so well, right now. You close. You see the entire day's totals." I just nodded. "Keeping in mind that my hands are pretty much tied, what would it take for you to stay?"

I stared at him, shocked and confused.

Seeing my look, he sighed, frustrated. "I'm going to be honest, Melissa. I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE! Off the record, you're the best worker I've got!"

Still in shock, I only continued to stare at him. I had not realized he had even noticed the work I did.

"I JUST raised you to $7.50," he said quietly. "If I go ahead and raise you to $8, will you stay?"

I could not speak. It was the first time, in many years, that I felt appreciated. It was the first time, in many years, that a boss was '" in his own way '" begging me to stay. I could only continue to stare at him in confused silence.

"Melissa, I need employees I can trust. If I have to hire someone else, I'll be taking precious time. Time I need to straighten up this store. Time used training someone else. Time used watching someone, to make sure I can trust them." In this way, he was telling me he trusted me. Another loyalty point, in his favor. But I still could not speak. So he took me into the office and showed me the difference between $7 per hour without gas expenses, and $8 per hour WITH gas expenses. I would still be coming out ahead. "Just think about it, okay?"

I thought on it, for a while. Weighing the pros and cons. Wear and tear on the van '" but more money in my pocket. Breaking in a new boss, who did not know me '" or stay with a boss who knew me, trusted me, and wanted me to stay. I also thought of Samuel. If I left, I would not see him again. If I stayed, I could still see him. I realized, with all things considered, I could not afford NOT to stay. As he was getting ready to leave, at 9:00, I stopped him. "Jay, if you can pay me $8 an hour, I'll stay."

He smiled and nodded. Then he said, "Okay." As he was walking out the door, he stopped. "Is that your final answer? You're staying?"

I smiled and nodded. "I'm staying." And I did stay. I stayed, to honor the wishes of a boss I respected. I had not worked for a boss I respected, in many years.

There were nights Tony returned later in my shift, because he had forgotten his cigarettes. One night he even came into the store while Samuel was there. Samuel helped him pick out a good scratch-off ticket. It was a losing ticket, but it had been a good choice. Then Tony started coming in later and bought scratch-offs along with his beer and cigarettes. No one really noticed anymore.

It happened on Saturday, November 7, 2009. I had been feeling poorly, and had actually called the store to call in sick. But Jay told me he had been there since opening. Leigh had called in, that morning. I could not let Jay be there to open, then to close. Not on a Saturday. So I took some DayQuil, and went on in. Jay stayed until nearly 10:00, to help make things easier on me, because I was so drained. I had had to take another dose of DayQuil at work. Just before Jay left, we had sold beer to a customer. I went outside to take a smoke break, and noticed a car across the street in the bank parking lot. Just as the customer pulled out, that car pulled out and followed. I found that odd, but was not really up to thinking about it.

Just before midnight, I had everything ready and was just about to lock the door when Tony walked in. I looked at him tiredly. "Dude, I was just about to close!"

He grinned at me. "Good, I'll be quick!"

For a moment, I thought about carding him, YET AGAIN. But it was too close to midnight, and he had been carded so many times before. "Okay, Tony. You've got about 3 minutes to grab your beer and buy it, before midnight."

Ironically, he had everything together and the sale was in progress before midnight. But the debit card machine ran slow for some reason. By the time the actual sale went through, it was 12:04. I just ran him on out the door, so I could lock up. I was not thinking straight. I was tired and not feeling well, at all.

I had everything done, paperwork finished, and was just about to call Jay to give the day's totals. It was 12:15 am. There was a tap on the window. I looked through the blinds, to see an officer standing there, motioning for me to open the door. And I did. He was a T.A.B.C. officer. (Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission) "Did you sell beer to a kid, about 15 minutes ago?"

"What?" I ran each customer through my head, struggling against the fading effects of the cold medicine, and my exhaustion. "WHAT kid?"

He motioned for me to step on outside. "I'll show you."

I stood there, waiting to see who would walk around the ice machine. I was completely dumbfounded to see Tony! I stared at him in complete shock. "TONY!" He hung his head, crying. "Oh my God. TONY!"

"Did you card him?" the officer asked me.

I, of course, was not thinking. "No. But he's been a regular customer since February."

The officer, following procedure, told me, "I followed him down the road, when I saw him come out of your store with the beer. I carded him. If you had carded him, you would've seen this." He held Tony's actual driver's license. It looked exactly like the one I had been seeing for months, except for the birth date. This one said February of 1992.

I jerked my head towards Tony. "You're SEVENTEEN?"

"I'm going to need a statement from you," the officer continued.

Everything in me, at that moment, wanted to beat the living hell out of this kid. As I stared at Tony, filled with shocked rage, the officer pulled me back inside. "You said he's been a regular customer?" he asked.

"Yes," I whispered.

"When was the first time you sold to him?" he asked, pulling out his notebook. So I explained about what had happened, that first time I had seen Tony. "And you didn't card him, tonight?"

"No," I whispered, staring off into space.

He placed a paper in front of me. "Write down what you just told me."

I filled out all the info on the page, and wrote out exactly what I had just said to the officer. No real thought went into it. I was sick, I was tired, and I was in shock. Should have thought more before filling out that statement. Should have written the WHOLE truth. But, without thinking, I followed the officer's words: I wrote about the first time and about the last time, not about all the times in between. But I did remember to call Jay.

That conversation shocked HIM as much as ME. NO ONE would have expected Tony to be carrying a fake I.D. He talked to the officer. I have no idea what they talked about, but the officer did not arrest me. He told me he would turn everything in, and they would choose whether to press charges.

The next day, Jay told me, "It's standard procedure to fire the one who gets busted for selling to a minor." His attorneys had advised him to let me go. "I told them," he continued, "that, if it had been anyone but Tony, I would have. But, Melissa, you card EVERYbody! You're my MOST responsible worker!"

I took a deep breath. "The fact is, none of that matters. The only thing that's going to matter is I DID make THAT sale. I'M the reason this store has passed every sting, this year. Ironic that I'M the one who's going to go down for someone that EVERYone has sold to!"

The following Monday, I got word that charges would be pressed against me. TABC was having a warrant issued for my arrest. They told me it could take up to two months. I still had a warrant out for me in Texarkana, for that unpaid ticket. I hadn't had the money to get that paid off.

I continued to work, but was more consciously aware of the customers. I had lost trust in even my regulars. I began carding them, again. But they understood, given the situation. I looked their licenses over more carefully than I had, in awhile. Overall, I just tried to live a normal life and go with the flow.

Life simply continued on, for a while. Dave, Sedona, and I took a trip to Texarkana, to visit Mom on her birthday. Right after Thanksgiving. And things picked up for the Christmas business.

On Wednesday, December 16, Jay caught me just as he was leaving for the night. I was busy cleaning the counters around the coffee pot and nacho bar. "Melissa," he began, and then hesitated. He waited for me to turn and look at him. "I know you think I was BSing when I said I really appreciate everything you do."

I shrugged, not paying much attention. "Okay." I went back to what I was doing. I tend to become a little embarrassed, when too many good things are said to me. He had already proven his appreciation. He had already won my loyalty to him. He already had my respect. I did not think much about him bringing this up, again. I thought he was just reiterating a fact he thought I might have forgotten.

He was still standing there by the door, watching me. "I meant it," he said firmly.

I looked at him, again, stopping. What was up? "Okay," I said slowly, a little confused.

Still watching me carefully, he added, "To show it, I'm going to raise you to $8.50, starting with next week's paycheck."

I stared at him, completely shocked. The store had not been doing so well, this year. The economy was going downhill. Business had not been as good as it should have been, this time of year. But Jay had actually begun using some of my ideas to boost sales. More proof that he trusted me. I had not asked for anything more, not even recognition. I simply did my job to the best of my ability. Since business had gone a bit downhill, I had actually expected a CUT in pay. I knew he really could not afford to give me a raise, so soon after the last one.

He grinned, at my look of surprise. "That's okay, right?"

"Yeah," I said vaguely.

With a happy grin, he turned toward the door. As he was walking out, he said, over his shoulder, "That means you have to try harder."

I began having problems with my van. I had begun hearing a light tapping sound from under the hood. Trouble. Several of my customers who listened to it said it could be the lifters. I needed to get it looked at and fixed, but could not find the time to put it in the shop. I was working too much, and could not afford to take the time off.

As time progressed, the van got worse. And with Christmas, I spent money on Sedona. Money I could have used to fix the van. I even pulled a little from utility budgets. But Sedona got a good Christmas.

I was trying to figure out how to pay off the warrant in Texarkana, get the van fixed, and turn myself in to Montgomery County. If I turned myself in, while that warrant was still active in Bowie County, I might be extradited there. I didn't want to lose my job. These and other things wore me down, as 2009 ended and 2010 came in. It began to affect my job performance. I worried more when January 2010 began. The inspection on my van was due by that month's end. I knew it would not pass an inspection, in the shape it was in. But did not know how I could get it fixed. I began trying to find another car. I had even spoken to Jay about one of the vehicles on the lot the store had up for sale.

Inspection ran out on the van at the end of January, but I could not do anything about it. I started taking 1097, on the back roads, to avoid being seen. That is when I started looking for a second job. Hoping to get another vehicle. Even the brakes had begun to give out. I had felt the right front one pop, one night, on my way into work. The pressure began to affect my job performance. I was not doing as much as Jay had come to expect from me. And when I tried to explain why, he simply broke me off, saying, "That's just LIFE, Melissa!"

Saturday, February 20, Jay let me borrow $175, to keep my electricity on. I was to pay it back, a little each paycheck. That is not something any other boss would have done.

On February 28, 2010, the brakes finally went completely out. I had been babying them, mainly coasting to stops and avoiding hitting the brakes. Gently pumping them. I took 75, that night, for the first time, in a while. Why, I do not know. The first stoplight I came to in Willis changed to red so quickly I did not have time to react fast enough. Without thinking, I hit the brakes HARD. I heard the loud pop. The van never even slowed down. I saw the flashes, as the camera took my picture. I babied her, the rest of the way in, using the parking brake to come to complete stops.

When I finally got home, I sent a text to Jay. I told him what happened and that I was concerned about getting to work. He texted me back, saying he was glad I made it home safely, but told me not to worry. He sent Wendy to pick me up, the next day '" March 1 -- and let me use the Toyota Avalon the store had up for sale. He had spent a lot of money getting that car fixed up, so it could sell. He made sure it had been inspected, insured, and registered. He had told me, previously, that the Avalon would be a good car for me. "It's on loan, till you can pay for it," he told me. "Consider it an extended test drive."

I had done my taxes, by then. It showed I was supposed to get back $5600. More than I had ever seen! I had so many plans for it all. I was going to pay off the Avalon, then buy a cheap car for Dave. Then, after getting him his driver's license, and getting the cars both completely legal, Dave could go back to Arizona. He was planning to try to get his old job back. I could have all my bills caught up, and get everything taken care of.

Jay surprised me further, by loaning me the money to pay off the warrant in Texarkana. He just added it to my running tab. I was still paying him back, a little from each paycheck. After I got the confirmation that the warrant was satisfied, he loaned me the $150 bail bondsman fee, to turn myself in. His friend, Curley, took me, that day, Monday, March 29, 2010.

I got up that day and took Sedona on to school. I figured there was no reason for her to ride the bus, when I was heading that way, anyway. After I dropped her off, I headed on to the store. I was supposed to meet Curley at 9:30 am, but got there at 9:00. I had coffee and chatted with Tiffany, while I waited. Curley arrived at 9:15, surprised to see me there, already. We headed on out to Conroe.

The process at the bail bonds office took about an hour. I was instructed by the bondsman to leave everything in the car, at the sheriff's office. To take in only my paperwork and my driver's license. So I emptied my pickets, took off my watch, and left everything '" including my cell phone '" in Curley's car. Since my bond was covered, I was listed as an "In/Out", and it was only supposed to take about two or three hours. I was brought down '" in handcuffs '" at 11:00 am. That was the first time in my life I had ever worn handcuffs outside the bedroom. It was a strange feeling.

Each part of the paperwork had to go through the system. They took my shoes, my hair-tie, and my driver's license. I spent most of my time just sitting in the chair by the guard's desk. At noon, I got to eat with the other inmates who were being processed. At 1:00 pm, they took my mug shot and a picture of my wolf tattoo. And I was seated again. At 1:30 pm, a stack of papers came across the wire.

When I lived with my dad, in 1988, there was another Melissa Ann Lawson living in Atlanta, TX. She was about four years younger than I. Many times, through the years, her records have come up, when credit checks were done. For some reason, her credit report is mixed with mine on Equifax. There are names listed I have never used, social security numbers I have never seen, and addresses where I have never lived. There are even job listings for places I have never even heard of. Her credit report being mixed with mine has cost me a lot, over the years. But, for some reason, I have never been able to get that straightened out. Apparently, this woman has one hell of a record '" and it was what came up, when they ran my name and social security number. I explained the situation. They took my fingerprints, and put me in the cage with the other inmates. This other Melissa had warrants out for her.

At 2:30, they put me back in the chair by the guard's desk, laughing about the mistake. Even apologizing for it. My fingerprints had proven my innocence on those other things. Finally, they moved on with my process. And I was released at 3:00.

When I got outside, I saw that Curley was no longer in the parking lot. I had no way to call anyone. My cell phone was still in Curley's car, along with my other stuff. I did not even have money to make a phone call. So I started walking. I got to the area where Loop 336 intersected I-45, and found a place that would let me use their phone. A nice young man let me bum a smoke and gave me a canned soda, while I called the store.

"Jay's not here," I was told, when I connected. "He went to pick you up."

"Damn!"

She gave me his cell number, and I called him to let him know where I was. Jay told me Curley had been unable to wait any more. He had to get to work. He dropped all my stuff off at the store. Jay had gone to get me. I was not where I was supposed to be. He even had them go and check the jail cells, to make sure I had not been put back in. He came on to where I was and picked me up. We had to laugh about the situation.

My first court date was Tuesday, April 13, 2010. The first thing they did in the courtroom, at 8:30, was pass out a paper. Everyone had to fill one out. It was proof that we had been there. It gave each person a choice to have an attorney or waive the right. It also gave the choice of waiting to find one or being assigned a court-appointed one. Everyone who got assigned one or wanted to wait to hire one got a reset date. Mine was reset for Tuesday, May 11 at 9:00 am. The attorney they assigned to me was Joshua Zientek.

I got out of the courtroom at 10:30, went to the car, and immediately called the attorney's office. As soon as they gave me directions, I sent a text to Jay: "My date has been reset to May 11, 9 am. On my way to talk to my court-appointed attorney."

I did not expect much from a court-appointed attorney. When I met him, I felt even more disappointed. He was younger than I. Even so, I went with it. I felt I needed to give him a chance. I had often preached to others about not judging. I could not be a hypocrite. As I explained my entire situation, I could see in his eyes that he really did not believe me. I am sure most defenders do not really believe in the innocence of those they defend. But he was very professional. He explained to me that his next step was to get copies of what the D.A.'s office had, and a copy of the original report. Then said he would be in touch.

During this time, my income tax check was held for student loans I had defaulted on, a few years ago. Silly me, I'd always thought living expenses were supposed to come first. And, with everything that had been happening, I had forgotten to get back with the collections company who held the bill. Without that money, I couldn't get the van fixed and certainly couldn't outright buy the car I was driving. Jay and I had made a verbal agreement that, as soon as I had paid all I owed him, I'd start making payments on that car.

I appeared in court on May 11. Mr. Zientek told me the D.A. had my statement, from the night of the bust, and a copy of Tony's real I.D. He rescheduled our court date for Tuesday, July 13, at 9:00 am. He said he needed time to work on the case. I didn't see it as a problem, then.

Then Jay pulled me off to the side, the day I paid the last of what I owed him. Saturday, May 15. Karim had been there, talking to Jay, giving me that smug grin of his. After Karim left, I asked Jay if he wanted me to cover the insurance on the car, yet.

"Um, yeah," he said, slowly, turning away. "We need to talk about that."

I thought on that, through the customer rush. Thought on how Jay had been acting strange, lately. Almost like he was distancing himself from me. As soon as the rush was over, and I was alone with him, I asked him, "Do you want the car back?"

He lowered his head, still not looking at me. "I don't know, Melissa." It sounded almost like he was whining. "I DON'T want to LOSE you!" He sighed, looking sad. "But I know you're looking forward to getting away from here." After a moment, he added, quietly, "Away from ME."

I shrugged. "Not really."

A few days later, he told me the store was going through a "slow period". That wasn't news to me. It always went through a slow period, from New Year's to mid-April. When people began getting their tax checks, business always picked up a little. Then the floodgates began with the start of the summer, through the end of the year. The problem, he'd told me was that he'd been spending a lot of money, trying to boost business, and was behind on his lease payments for the store. That meant a lot had to be liquidated quickly. All the cars that the store had up for sale would go first. Mine, included. In fact, he was supposed to get the car back, on the 15th. I was not going to be able to put even the first payment on the Avalon.

I just looked at him, and calmly asked, "Are you coming to my house or do you want me to deliver it?"

The look on his face showed pain. "What are you going to do, Melissa?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, Jay. That's the only set of wheels I've got. Very few people in Walnut Cove even HAVE a vehicle. No one, NO ONE, is gonna take me back and forth to work. Not this far out."

"Why don't you move over here?"

I stared at him. "Jay! I canNOT afford to MOVE!"

"What're you going to DO, Melissa?"

I sighed. "Find something in Willis, I guess. I have a bicycle."

He laughed, shaking his head. Then the smile was gone. "I don't want to lose you," he said, quietly.

I just stared at him, confused. "When do you want the car?"

"I need to know what you're going to do, Melissa!" He looked at me. "What do you WANT to do?"

"I was GONNA stick to the agreement we made. But I didn't know all this other stuff was going on!"

He grabbed his cigarettes, walking to the door.

"Will you at least let me finish out the week?" I asked, as he reached for the door.

His shoulders dropped. "Yeah." He lit his cigarette. "You're not even gonna TRY to find another way!" Pushing the door open, in anger, he spat, "In such a hurry to get away!"

I tried, for two weeks, to find another way to work. No one would drive me from Willis to Montgomery. Not even for gas money. They did not think it was worth it. All I got from people were "I'll keep you in my prayers", "Man, that sucks", and "Let me know where you end up." I decided my time there was finally at an end. I had come to peace with it.

On Thursday, May 20, I informed Jay I had no other way to keep my job. "I'll be here tomorrow, to finish out the week. If you let me keep the Toyota till Saturday, that'll be my ride in to get my check."

He was gazing at me with an unreadable expression. "So you're returning the car on Saturday."

I gave him one short nod. "If nothing changes, I'll drive it in on Saturday, get my check, and give you the key. I will probably be giving you the keys to the store, at the same time."

His face showed concern. "How will you get back home?"

I shrugged. "I'll walk it, if I have to."

He laughed. "No, I'll get Curley or someone to take you home."

On May 21, I worked my last night at Lake Conroe Exxon. I drove that drive down 1097, that night, in tears. I was confused and feeling helpless. Every vision and dream I'd had brought me from Texarkana to that store. Even before we had a place to live. Every vision told me I'd find who I was looking for at that store. Every time I'd tried to leave, events had conspired to keep me there. Now, the Powers That Be had driven me out. Apparently, I'd done whatever I was supposed to do there. Yet I had not connected with my Twin Flame. That was what I was supposed to be there for. Yet now everything conspired against me.

On Saturday morning, I brought the car back. I had Sedona with me, since I knew I would not be walking home. I figured I would give her a last look around the store. I put the key to the Toyota on the nail where it once hung for so long. I took the bag of uniform shirts to the office and put them in Jay's chair. I dropped the store keys and my nametag into Jay's hand, with a cheerful, "There ya go!"

He seemed upset that I was happy and cheerful. I bought a few things and chatted with the girl who was to replace me. Then Curley was there, asking if we were ready to go. I grabbed up my bag of items bought and turned to walk away.

Jay stood in front of me with a sad look on his face. He stuck out his hand to shake mine. I stared at him a moment, confused. Then I smiled, took his hand, and shook it, with an air of great respect. I was overcome with a mixture of emotions. But I shook it off, turning away. "I'll see you around," I said, with forced cheerfulness.

As Sedona and I walked out the door, Jay called Curley back. When we all got in the car, I asked Curley about gas money. He smiled at me, "Jay's covering it." Another surprise!

We sat at the pumps, while Curley pumped the gas. I cheerfully chatted away. Suddenly, Jay was there beside me, to say goodbye again. And, before we left, another goodbye, and a reminder to Curley to run the AC. I laughed, as we pulled out. "Geez," I laughed. "Sounds like he's sending you off with his KIDS!"

Curley laughed. "I know it!"

I felt an odd sense of freedom, when Curley drove us away. I felt like shackles had been released from me. I was sad that I was leaving, yet happy that I would no longer be tied down.

When my July court date approached, I had no way to get there. I called Mr. Zientek and explained all that had happened. He reset me for August 27.

I managed to get a ride in on that day, because our neighbor's nephew had to be there at the same time. Mr. Zientek told me he needed to round up statements from others who saw Tony's I.D., and try to get the charges dropped. He had reset me to September 28.

When that date arrived, I was unable '" yet again '" to find a ride. I had to walk to the little convenience store here by Walnut Cove, to fax out the paper to my attorney. Another reset, to October 26. And, when THAT date came, I had to go through the process, again. I had a ride lined up, who cancelled at the last minute. I walked the streets until 9:00 am, the time I was supposed to be in court, looking for another ride. Nothing. I called and talked to the secretary, and she contacted Mr. Zientek. He managed to get a reset. He faxed me the paper, I signed it and faxed it back. Then the original came in the mail, and I signed it and sent it back. I was reset for December 14.

When I showed up in the courtroom in that day, Mr. Zientek had an emergency on another case, leaving me stranded in the courtroom. I could not make my plea, without my attorney present. Once again, when I managed to show up in court, I got another reset.

January11, I managed to get to the courthouse. A long talk with Mr. Zientek revealed that the statement I had made out for the TABC officer was the main thing the D.A. had against me. No matter what others may come and give statements, it would do no good. The statement appeared to state that I had NEVER carded Tony. It had mentioned he was not carded, the first time a sale was made, after I began working there. It had mentioned that I had not carded him on the night the bust happened. It also mentioned that Tony had been a regular customer from February through November. It appeared to state that I had sold to him every time without ever asking for his identification. Once again, I cursed the fact that I had not written everything. I cursed the fact that I had been so close to getting out of that store that night, before the officer appeared at the window. If I had been gone already, he would have come the next morning. Jay would have been the one to speak to him. Jay would have mentioned everything and talked to me about it all. I would have been more in my right mind when I made my official statement. Because of the fact that I was NOT arrested, we could not request that they not use the statement in court.

The plea bargain they first offered was for me to pay a fine of $1000, revoke my license, and 1-year probation. Mr. Zientek had bargained with them, because of my financial situation. The D.A.'s next bargain was a $500 fine and 9 months on probation. I argued that. I was told that Montgomery County was very serious about the charge against me, and the D.A. refused to bargain any further. The only thing I told Mr. Zientek was, "You know I can't afford that. All I have is my daughter's Death Benefits checks. That barely covers living expenses. I cannot afford to pay a fine, and the $65 monthly probation fee."

"What do you want to do, Melissa?" Mr. Zientek asked me.

I shook my head. "I want to push it. Take it on to court."

He sighed. "We have almost no chance of winning." He looked over the file in his hand. "Maybe, if we can get enough people to testify on your behalf...." He sighed, and then looked at me. "How many of those customers even remember when you worked there? How many of them, after all this time will remember one person, out of all the others? Will they be clear enough to be able to sit on the stand and testify to it?"

I hung my head. "It's been over a year. Most of the customers may not even remember ME. I doubt they will remember Tony. Or whether they actually SAW me card him. The only one I know who would definitely remember is Jay."

"Well, maybe that one, since he was your boss, would be enough." He sighed again. "But would anyone testify to the fact that they'd allowed even one time to pass without carding this kid?"

I laughed dryly. Then shook my head. "They know they'd be in trouble, too. Jobs are too hard to come by. I doubt they'd stand in court and say that."

Another sigh from this very young attorney. "If you really want to push this, I will. But I have to tell you, Melissa, the way this looks, we don't have a shot at winning."

"But I can't afford to pay what they're asking. Either way, I'd end up in jail. If we take it to trial, and lose, I'll go to jail to face the charge of selling to a minor. If I take the plea-bargain, and fail to pay, I'll end up in jail for not paying the fine. At least, if it goes to trial, I have more time to look for work, and find a way to pay it all."

He shook his head, and then shrugged. "Let me get you another reset, and give me time to talk to them." The date was reset for January 25.

I was unable to get a ride for that day in court. Again, I called and talked to Mr. Zientek's secretary. I waited for the call to come in, giving me another reset date. That call came in after 1:00.

"Melissa," Mr. Zientek told me, "I spent all morning talking to the D.A. and everyone involved. We went through several possibilities, and settled on a plea-bargain that I hope you can agree to. I have you reset for February 22. They have agreed that, if you take an alcohol education class, they will drop the charges."

I was silent for a long time. "No fines, no probation, just the classes?"

"Yes. BUT you will have to GO TO the classes in Conroe. I tried to convince them to let you do this through correspondence, since you have such trouble getting a ride. But they wouldn't budge on this."

I felt a flood of relief I had not felt in over a year. Joy permeated through me. "I will WALK to the classes, if I have to. Tell them I'll take it!"

I could hear the relief in his voice. "I'll tell them. Let me get back with the D.A. and work out the details. I'll call you in a couple of days."

I anxiously paced, and had trouble sleeping, until that call came from him. "They have no actual classes that actually fit your particular situation. But they settled on Substance Abuse classes. You have to take the class, before your next court date, and they'll drop the charges. You won't even have to appear in court."

"How much for the classes?"

"I'm not sure, but it shouldn't go over $65."

When I got to the Resource Center, Monday, January 31, I was told I had to take 10 classes. The cost for those classes, plus registration fee, came up to $171. All of my electric bill money AND my water bill money, and then some. I would have to use what I normally would for gas to neighbors who took me to the grocery store and tobacco, to cover personal items for the rest of the month. They scheduled me to take the classes, two at a time, on Thursday evenings. Fernando, the man who stocked at Lake Conroe Exxon told me he would go to Willis to take me to the classes. So I was not worried about rides. I was mainly concerned about the utilities.

I was supposed to start the first of those classes, that very Thursday. Then I heard from Fernando that his car had broken down on the way home from here. It was in the shop. I wondered about walking to Conroe. But that is when the temperature began to drop. I would freeze to death, if I tried to walk the 15 miles to the Resource Center. So I worried over that. Until I received the call from the Resource Center that Thursday morning.

The weatherman had predicted a major snowstorm, that night. So classes were cancelled, and rescheduled for Saturday morning at 10:00 am.

That Friday, I texted Fernando, to find out if Conroe had gotten any snow. Willis had only ice. We texted for a little while, before he asked if I had a ride for my classes on Saturday. No, I did not. Later that night, out of the blue, he sent me a text: "If you can be up and ready to go by 7 am, I can take you to your class. Because I go to work at 9."

He had me there at 7:45, that morning. Saturday classes began at 8:00. Since I was already there, they let me go ahead and start. Since I was stuck there until noon, I got to take five classes, back-to-back. I was ecstatic. I was halfway done, already. All in one day. I figured, if Fernando could get me there again early on Thursday night, I could do it again, and be done with it. But he told me he might not be able to drive me. And I was unable to find another ride.

Synchronicity kicked in about that time. My brother, Dave, found and connected with his Twin Flame. It was cool getting to know Jana. She seemed like she had always been here, and fit into this family perfectly. She covered the fare for me to call a cab, on Saturday, February 19. It took forever for the cab to arrive. So I got to the Resource Center at 10:00 am, instead of 8:00. I was paid up for all my classes. And, since I had done five classes in a row, I did not lose any money for not showing up to the classes for a while. I had wanted to finish off my classes. The Substance Abuse classes are from 8:00 am '" noon on Saturdays. So I was able to get in only three of the remaining five. In order to get those last two in before my court date, I would have to get there again, on that Monday at 11:00 am.

On Monday, February 21, Jana again covered the fare for me to call a cab. So I was able to be there. Oddly, the classes that day were more positive than the ones I had attended previously. I learned more things in those classes. Just before noon, the second class was over. I went into the office and received my Certificate of Completion. I felt better than I had, in months. While I waited for the cabbie to pick me up, I called Mr. Zientek. It was Columbus Day, so no one was in the office. I simply left a message.

Tuesday, February 22, I witnessed a manifestation that put so much into perspective. To so many, it would seem such a small thing. To me, it was tangible proof of things I needed to remember.

I had received a call from Mr. Zientek just after 8:00 am: "Congratulations on finishing your classes! I'm proud of you! I called the Resource Center, but they aren't open, yet. I need a copy of your certificate, to present to the prosecutor."

I was shocked. "They told me they didn't need to fax you a copy!"

"Wow," he said. "I hope the PROSECUTOR got a copy!" He grew quiet a moment. "I don't suppose YOU could get YOUR copy to me, before court, this morning?"

No hesitation from me. "I can walk down to that store and fax it to you!"

"How long would that take?"

"Maybe 30 minutes."

"You're okay with that? I don't want you to put yourself out any more. But I'd REALLY like a copy of that, myself."

"I'm right on it!"

I walked at top speed, and got there in 15 minutes. The first thing the clerk told me was, "I can't send any faxes. The fax machine's been down for three days. I just tried to send a fax, about a half-hour ago. It's still not working."

I shook my head. "No. I HAVE to send this out BEFORE 9:00!"

He only shrugged.

I stood there, feeling helpless. But I did not leave. I intended to buy some tobacco, anyway, and decided to wait for the line of customers to clear. I knew it was too far to the next store, and I had very little time. Then I heard the words in my head: CHANGE YOUR WAY OF THINKING. So I focused all my energy on getting that fax to Mr. Zientek.

Suddenly when the line cleared, the clerk said, "I can TRY to send it. But, like I said, the machine's been down for three days."

I looked him straight in the eye. DO OR DO NOT. THERE IS NO TRY. With firm conviction, I told him, "Send it."

He shrugged and took the paper and fax number over to the machine. As he stood watching the machine, I focused all my energy on that fax going through. I pictured Mr. Zientek holding the copy in his hand.

The clerk walked back, handing me the papers. He was staring at me in mystified silence. "That's one dollar," he whispered.

I smiled, handing him the money. "It went through."

"Yes," he said, surprised. "It's been down for three days. Even this morning, no faxes in or out. YOURS went through."

I only smiled and made my tobacco purchase. As I left, I felt a sense of awe and wonder. I called Mr. Zientek's office, just to double-check. The secretary told me, "Yes, Miss Lawson, it came through. Josh just ran out the door with it, to take it to the courthouse. I'm putting the electronic copy in your electronic file."

All the way home, I watched red cardinals playing in the air around me. Too many to count. They always come to me, when good changes are coming. I watched all of them circling above my head, then diving in front of me, and seeming to dance and play on the air. Almost like they, too, were happy that my legal issues were FINALLY over!

And the call came from Mr. Zientek, that afternoon. The charges had been dropped. I had suffered much and worried much over this issue. I had lost a car and my job. I had been unable to find another job, because I had no transportation. I had sacrificed living expenses. But it was done. Nothing on my record. This court-appointed attorney, seemingly too young, had handled my case with compassion and understanding. And I breathed another sigh of relief.