The boomerang boyfriend: What to do when you're in an on/off relationship

The boomerang boyfriend tends to be a problem for most women. An on/off relationship that has lasted for months, or even years, can bring both excitement and pain. Usually, after a while the problems of not knowing where you stand or when you'll see him again become too much and frustration sets in. But what do you do about it? Should you wait and see what happens next or make an effort to put a stop to the relationship before you get hurt any more? Before you make your choice, there are some things you should do to help you decide.

Are you happy?

The first question you should ask yourself is whether or not you are truly happy with the situation. When you are in the middle of a phase of being with him all the time, the excitement and adrenaline can take over and it gives a false sense of happiness. It's not until you find yourself alone again that the reality sets in. Getting over someone is hard at the best of times, but when they keep on coming back and breaking your heart over and over again, you need to question whether the pleasure is really worth all of the pain.

I used to have an on/off relationship with a guy which lasted for about three years. I was so blinded by the thrill of being with him that I couldn't bring myself to end it. Ultimately though, I realized it would never be anything more than a few weeks here and there when he could be bothered, and my happiness had to come first.

Is he a safety net?

The small plus side of the on/off relationship is that it can act as a safety net. If you have other relationships in between that fail, you always have something to fall back on. Even if the relationship isn't really healthy, there has to be some kind of connection between you or you wouldn't keep getting back together, right? There is some truth to that. But it isn't going to guarantee a happy ending. If everything was perfect with your boomerang boyfriend, you would be together all the time. It might feel nice to have the "security" of an on/off relationship but if that is really how you see it, you should look more closely. You may find it isn't as secure as you think.

Assess the relationship with honesty

If you find yourself constantly being drawn back to your on/off boyfriend, it could be an indication that you really want something more long term with him. Before you get into a serious talk with him, you need to be clear on exactly what you want. Weigh up the negatives and the positives of the times you have had together, but try to leave sex out of the equation. The physical part of this kind of relationship can be the strongest pull but it isn't going to be enough to keep you together forever. When you know for sure what you want, you should talk to him about how he feels too. Try not to let the fear of rejection stop you asking the difficult questions because you may get everything you hoped for. However, it is wise to prepare yourself for the event that he may not tell you what you want to hear.

When you make your final decision, be firm

If you have to put an end to the relationship, you must be firm about it. Even a tiny slip can result in you falling back into old habits. It's best to remove all contact with the boomerang boyfriend, or you will just be tempted to go back to him. It won't be easy. You will have wobbles and reach for the phone, but when that happens, you have to remember all the reason why you called it off. Don't give in and don't let him sweet talk you into thinking things will be different the next time around. If it hasn't changed after a few years, it probably never will.

Having to give up the thrill of an on/off relationship is usually the most difficult part. Reminding yourself that you deserve more than a quick fling should help to numb the ache a little. Most of all though, think of your overall happiness. If you can live with the uncertainty, that's great. If not, it may be time to cut your losses.

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What To Do When Your Friends Hate Your Boyfriend
Unhealthy Ways to Handle a Break-Up
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