The Bridesmaid Dress - You'll Wear it Again (Not)

It is a very special moment between girlfriends. She is happy. She is blissful. You can see it in her eyes. She is telling you she's engaged.

While in your heart you are ecstatic that she found her soul mate, your head knows better. You know what's coming next. Your heart rate picks up. Your palms start to sweat. Here it comes.

"And I want you to be one of my bridesmaids!"

She's so happy and deep down you are thrilled to walk down the aisle in support of her on her big day.

But being a modern-day bridesmaid isn't just about encouragement and friendship anymore. Let's get real.

It's all about the bridesmaid dress!

Now, there are many aspects I could discuss in terms of bridesmaids dresses. I think I'll stick with these crucial elements: color, money and general appearance. Let's start with color.

When did things change? Now even colors have a qualifier attached. It's not just lilac, it's Victorian Lilac. It's not just rose, it's Euro Rose. What does this mean? That one color represents an entire continent? That in Europe dark pink looks different than here in the States? And they're capitalized too which means that the colors are important.

You don't just say olive, but Olvine. Why have a pinkish dress when you can have Chambord. Your color is blue? What shade: navy blue, turquoise, tealness, slate blue, titanium, cornflower, calypso perhaps?

All I have to say is the next time I wear eggplant, euro-eggplant or raspberry I better be acting in a Fruit of the Loom ad.

Sometimes the bride pretends to try. Ever heard the infamous statement, "I want to find something you can wear again." I mean, get real. Where in the world am I ever going to wear this dress again! Perhaps another friend will get engaged and I can convince her to pick the exact same dress, in the exact same color. But unless the stars truly collide I think my satin strapless gown in celadon is staying at the back of the closet.

In my tenure as a bridesmaid I've pretty much seen it all: taffeta, organza, tea length, too big, too tight, tie-dyed, polka-dots, sashes, belts, sleeveless, metallic. It's often said that brides-to-be pick ugly dresses for their 'maids because they don't want to compete on their day. I can understand that but does not competing honestly mean I have to wear detachable sleeves (hello 1987!)?

And how much does this little getup cost me by the way? Oh, a mere three hundred dollars, plus alterations, plus shoes, plus accessories, plus self respect.

You see, being a 'maid has transformed over the years. You no longer sign on to be in the wedding and help throw the shower. Now you are expected to parade around like cattle. But ugly cattle, stuffed into a chiffon tea length dress in stardust, while wearing uncomfortable shoes that you didn't even pick out.

And to make you feel even more like a 1930s circus freak there is the fact that five other people are wearing the exact same thing! Now you are like fraternal septuplets on exhibit - none of you is the same size, one person is pregnant, one is quite a bit overweight, one is definitely anorexic and you can just tell that one is going back to the hotel with usher number three.

Do you think I'm exaggerating here? Well, let me tell you a little story.

I was recently in a wedding where I had to buy a dress, shoes, a purse (because the dress was a color that I had never seen, heard of or could even pronounce), a shawl (because the wedding was in the winter and the dress was strapless, clever) and earrings. Not to mention that all bridesmaids dresses need to be altered and nothing quite compares to the feeling of paying someone a hundred bucks to alter a dress that you will never wear again. Next, I had to pay to have my hair done, my makeup done, my nails and toenails manicured. It's amazing for how much time, money and energy spent on the prep work that I still managed to look completely disgusting.

You may think I'm joking. But sadly, there are pictures to prove that I looked like a fatter, paler and all-around worse version of myself. In fact, I look so absurd in the pictures that a group of my friends decided that girl couldn't possibly be me.

Hence, my ugly alter-ego was born. Her name is Penny Butt. Why Penny Butt, you ask? Well, apparently I used a shade of mascara that does not flatter my eyelashes and actually made it seem like I didn't have any, which in turn made me have blank-looking eyes - somewhat like pennies. That's where Penny came from. As for Butt, well that's simple - I looked like butt. Penny still comes out occasionally, but usually when I'm sick or dressed up for Halloween. There is a picture of me directly after the reception wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and even that picture compared to the bridesmaid dress pictures looks completely different. It was as if some higher wedding deity sucked the soul out of Kerri Carpenter and morphed that soul into Penny Butt.

Why do we do this? Why do we subject ourselves to such horrible conditions? Is it because we will someday be brides ourselves and will therefore pay back our matrons of honor with a knee-length, leopard print number? Because I have watched friends look miserable as they walk down the aisle in someone's wedding like some kind of horrible fashion emergency. Then, they turn around only to disappoint by choosing repulsive bridesmaids dresses for their very own maids'.

But overall, I love my girlfriends and I will continue to torture myself by walking down their Euro Rose petal-strewn aisles in an unflattering two-piece number with matching hat.

So long as they remember that someday I will be the bride too. Did someone say shoulder pads? Insert ominous music here....